Divorce Support Forums: What do you think

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have 2 boys, 13 and 17. Our relationship has had its ups and downs thru out the years. Communication about real issues only occurred after blowups. We would talk after a blow up and then never really come up with a plan to fix our issues. We got good at putting on a good outward appearance. Neither one of us knew how to make it right. My wife would read books and seek answers. I thought a lot of the issues stemmed from hers and mine childhoods and that we would always find a way to fight thru our problems and so we did not need any help. My wife felt she could not bring up issues to me. She develop a case of insomnia over 10 years ago and took medication for it.She also started anti depressants. She mood swings and was having physical problems that doctors could not pinpoint. She had emotional affairs and we found a way to stay together.I thought it was Seasonal Associated Disorder. (not me as she points to now) She avoided bringing up issues with me because she did not want to create waves. She has said that it felt like a parent and kid relationship. She is only 4yrs younger than me.She had a domineering mother who she would rebel against. I was the main breadwinner. A few years ago I decided the stress and type of job I was in was causing some of the difficulties I was having with trust. I left the job and she took a promotion that brought in comparable monies. I took care of the kids for the last 3 years. Her job required sometimes as much as 70+ hours in a week. She was home and when she was she was sleep deprived. she is still have physical problems and insomnia issues. she told me she thinks she has been going thru pre menapause (sp) for the last couple of years.

Last july she said that she did not love me anymore. A week later she told me she was planning on moving out with the kids. She only wanted to know if I would fight for them. A few days later I told her I would. So we agreed (i thought) that we would stay together until the kids were out of school. 5 yrs. In the mean time I did a lot of reading and reaching out and we have had numerous talks about how things affect each other. I came to a number of realizations about myself, my ownership and her unhappiness. But since I would fight for my kids this meant she would not get what she wanted and because I could not "allow" her to get what she wanted I was controlling the situation. This has caused her to get more and more resentful and angry with me. She feels as if she is losing herself and does not want to lose her soul. (no we do not attend church) So now she is wanting to divorce. But she also says that if I would have moved out months ago she might not have wanted to file. She says she can see changes in me but even if I was the most perfect man in the world she can not have me in the same house. she has told me she would stay at work longer just to avoid coming home and being in the same house with me.

So I know that the person I love is really damaged and I want to do something for her. She also tells me if I do not go along with things that she will get an attorney and I will not see my kids as much as she has told me I will see them if we do this together. She has convinced me to go along with what she wants. Because if I really loved her than I would care about her feelings. She got the uncontested paperwork feb 13. we started working on it together. I still don't believe this is the right thing for our kids nor ourselves. In march she had an episode which in her terms she felt she was ready to be committed. Afterward she sat on the bed rocking back and forth staring at the white noise on the tv screen. She threw the divorce paperwork at me and the large snap clip paper binder almost put out my eye. she told me I should deal with it let her know what I decide. but know that if I decide to stay together until the boys graduate then she will end up hating me.. she had told me in the past that I would keep on chipping away at her and she would eventually give in. this night she was willing to offer herself to me. (there have only been 3 or so hugs in 8 months) I had chipped away. I did not take advantage of the situation. She was willing to do anything physically. I thought her walls had broken down and I could get her to agree to see someone. (she actually has agreed a couple of times). She was really sorry for hurting me. she ended up putting in long hours over the next couple of days and then she started getting her resolved and belief in what she wanted back
I believe counselling should be explored. she has told me she did everything possible and that she knows what she wants and needs. this is the only way to save her. she will not go talk to anyone know because it will be because I want it. We sleep to gether in the same bed but no contact. We put on the happy face in front of the kids. There are things she has said and done which really wonder about her mental stability. She agrees that she is screwed up and tells me she will be ok once I am gone.

I know that she will never have a chance to see anything differently while I am around her in the same place. (duplex)
I agreed to move out in a couple of weeks, then found out it was a day before my birthday and did not want to have the kids associate my birthday with the split. She threw it back at me that I am going against what I agreed on and that is an example of why she can't trust me. she made the comment she should have had it in writing so she could have called the police. We then agreed to the next weekend. 3 weeks from now. She wants it in writing I do not want to do that. Another point was that I would sign the divorce papers. She said she will not file them she just want to have them for peace of mind. she said she would even sign something that said she will not file them for a length of time. This really does not matter because there would be no recourse for me if she did.

I have been the person to be there and take care of the kids for the last 3 years. Get them off to school, help with homework, cook dinner, take them to practices and games. She has rearranged things with her job so she will not be away in the middle of the night but it will still require alot of hours. (her job is 24/7) At any sporting event the boys had she was there but she would be on the phone or texting for work problems. She continues to have medical problems and the other day she told me she is considering talking to the doctor to prescribed anti depressants for her. She just had minor surgery and the doctor's put her on a restricted work notice. She is only suppose to work 6 hours each day. She has already worked 8-11 hour days 4 days out of 6. So I question if it is in the boys best interest for them to be with her as primary. I told her the other night she should move out. Get her head cleared of me and then lets talk about divorce. I am torn between what I want to do for my wife, who I love, and what I think is best for my boys. I have read a number of articles about children and divorce. If I fight for custody it will hurt them. I am concern about my wife stability and how that affects them. I am concerned how they may view me and how it will affect them after I was the primary for so long.

Would you stay and fight for custody?
Would you move out?

( I am still ok. It has been a hard road but I will survive.)

She agrees it sucks. She does not want to do this to our boys. But she is losing herself.