Divorce Support Forums: rehabilitative alimony

If I'm counting correctly you were in the middle of college at the age of 34 when you met and married? What did you do for a living before that? You have a history and track record as an adult before you were married, so the judge is goign to take that into account when looking at whether your plans to return to school are reasonable.

Why did you not return to school, even part time? How are you goign to get paralegal certified without the college degree (most require a BA first, unless things have changed with that certification)?

It is HIGHLY unlikely and probably quite smart of him to not return to a house where an order of protection was filed against him to force him to leave. Every woman who files for an order of protection to force her man out needs to be prepared to accept the reasonable results of this action, that he will be out and not want to come back and face that possibility again.

If your house has less than 10% equity because of the current market, then the two of you have a loan on it right now. How are you paying the mortgage? How did you get such a big mortgage on a house you've owned for 11 years (or more, you say it's the only one YOU"VE known as well, and you're 45 years old... did you buy your parent's home)? I mean, someone who bought a house 10 years ago and was able to afford thier lifestyle, did not refinance to take mroe money out, has made a LOT of equity despite the current housing market. Most houses about doubled in price in that time (some more than doubled)... My own was nearly tripled, and then when teh bad market arrived, I had to SETTLE for selling it for JUST double what I paid for it in 2000. And if I'd bought it ELEVEN years ago I'd have made even more. So there is only one way that you can have less than 10% equity, and that's if you and your husband were not living within your means (with you as a stay-at-home) and had to take out a home equity loan to get more money for ... well, whatever you wanted to spend it on. The good news is that everyone else's house is ALSO cheap, so if what has to happen is that you sell your house that you can't afford any more with the higher mortgage, and buy a new house at half the size (since only half the adults will be living there and there will be at BEST only half the income to use to support the house)... you'll be buying a house with depressed value at the same time as selling a house with depressed value, so it turns out to be a wash. The only time you really lose is if you have to sell and you are NOT going to re-buy... or if you have to sell and move to a market where the house values are NOT depressed... but there aren't many places where you could do that right now.

I suspect you're overwhelmed right now, partly because you're thinking of it all at once and it seems insurmountable. But as time goes on and you start taking care of things one at a time, it'll start getting better.

You've got a plan for what you want to do with your future. Becasue you already were an adult before you met him, the judge is going to review that plan to see if it's realistic and reasonable to expect him to support you while you get there... but you've made a great first step to make that plan. The next step is to figure out exactly how much you'll need to make that plan work. UNDERSTAND that he is not going to be asked to pay more than half his own earnings to support you. Look for grants & scholarships and loans for displaced housewives.

Talk to a mortgage broker, someone who specializes in SPECIAL situations. Maybe your lawyer knows of someone who works with divorcing people. Find out the specifics of what you'll need in order to afford to keep the house. if there is ANY equity in it, remember that you'll have to pay your stbx for half of it. That payment can come from you giving up rights to other property that the two of you have accumulated. Like give him the better car, or his IRA, or don't claim anything from his pension. Add it all up and make certain you remember that HE ALSO has to start from scratch. Probably you kept all the furniture? That's a very expensive thing to replace... yes, all your furniture was OLD stuff... but it's not like he could get a whole housefull of stuff of the same value by going out to the store. He's going to be living on mis-matched stuff, sleeping on a futon & using milk crates and 2X8s for shelving like if he was back in college. And that has value. You might end up paying him something for the privelege of keeping all the stuff... you might end up paying him more than it's worth to you.

I understnad how frustrating it is to feel like you're the victim here. He did something that got him kicked out of the house and you're paying for it, but what happened is that the job of STAY AT HOME MOTHER for his marital partnership is now being dissolved and so it's no longer available. It was a comfortable job to have as long as you were willing to put up with... well, whatever it was that made you kick him out. And since you werent' willing to put up with it, it's over. And he's moving on, apparently.

SO it means you're going to have to make some compromises. He will not be forced to continue to use his entire paycheck to fund your house and lifestyle. He deserves to have a place to live, furniture, etc... on his OWN (and if he's moving in with some other girl, understand that a lot of the time these decisions are economic. If you leave him with nothing to live off of, what do you expect him to do, sleep in the car?) The law will not require him to send it all to you and mooch off friends or family forever.

So you have already taken the first step in making a plan. Next step is to figure out how to convince the jduge that your plan is affordable for the partnership that's dissolving, and that it's realistic.

Take just that piece of it... put aside the parts about the furniture and custody and the fact that you've lived there for your entire life for now, and give us som emore information that will help us help you formulate the explanation on why your plan is waht the judge should order.

You WILL get through this. We all do.