Downwardspiral
New
Reged: 03/15/08
Posts: 13
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I haven't posted in a while. But now I am on my own and can't stand it. At first, my wife wanted flat out divorce, she says she doesn't love me anymore, and has felt this way for some time. It stems from being inattentive to one another. I say it's due to kids, work, and the other stresses of everyday live.
Fortunately for me, she thought better of the divorce option, and agreed to a trial separation. It has been a little over one month now, which I know is a short time, but I am having a difficult time dealing with this.
I suppose in a separation you shouldn't discuss the relationship, that meaning give her time alone, and not rouffle any feathers. However, when I talk to her on the phone or in person when picking up the kids, I can't help myself and start asking questions about how she feels and what is going on in her head.
This leads to heated discussions, not arguments or fights, but all I hear is how she doesn't miss me, and that she is enjoying time alone. She also says that she has no wanting to get back together, and it makes me wonder if I am wasting my time and emotions.
All I want is the opportunity to show her how I can love her again. This experience has been a real eye-opener and makes me realize what it is that I am losing. She is upset also, just for other reasons than being without me.
I don't know...I sick of screwing up when I'm around her. I know I should be strong and find happiness in my "exile". But it's hard to be happy when the life you want is the very thing you are being denied.
Somebody please post a reply about a successful separation and how to turn things around. I feel as though there is no hope, and I am just waiting on death row for the warden to escort me to the chamber
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Hey man. I was wondering what happened to you. Sorry to hear about this. I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. It's so hard hearing everyone say to me the same thing, give her space. I feel like if I do that she's going to forget about me. To be honest, I feel like she did before we were separated. Wish I could tell you something other than what you don't want to hear. I've been sitting all weekend knowing that "Jason" has been to the house cuddling with my daughter and washing his clothes. Guys younger than my wife, was divorced in January and has three kids. Nice to know my wife didn't just dive right into the deep end of the pool.
So sorry man. You haven't even started feeling the worst of it. Strap yourself in. It's gonna get worse.
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Insert witty comment here. 
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Downwardspiral
New
Reged: 03/15/08
Posts: 13
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Are you suggesting that she is too far gone, or that this situation is just going to challenge me to the bitter end?
I think that she is just hurt by the situation and that our lack of attention to one another has led her to put a wall up against me.She thinks things will never change. At least, that's how I take it and what I want to believe. I'm hoping that over time I can tear that wall down brick by brick.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Both. I think my wife has a wall that may never come down. I also mean that your emotions are going to take a horrible turn. There is going to be a lot of crying, etc. I've been having anxiety attacks all weekend. What I'm saying is it's going to get harder, not easier and I can't say if she is ever going to come back to you or not.
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Insert witty comment here.
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Downwardspiral
New
Reged: 03/15/08
Posts: 13
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Believe me, I've been on one hell of a rollercoaster ride for months now. I forget what it feels like to be happy or enjoy myself. Constant anxiety, mind constantly racing, not knowing what the outcome will be.
My only salvation in all of this is that my wife says she simply doesn't know what she wants. She seems confused and hurt by the way we have interacted over the years. Hopefully I can prove to her over time that my love for her is real, and this marriage is worth saving instead of throwing it all away. Maybe time apart is all we need, but as of now, she is steadfast in how she feels about me (or doesn't feel). Not sure how to get through to her other than just letting her be...
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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yeah, we are in the same boat except that it sounds like maybe there is a little more hope for you and your wife. Mine has already moved onto another guy. Imagine how I feel right now.
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Insert witty comment here.
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Downwardspiral
New
Reged: 03/15/08
Posts: 13
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I feel bad for you. I can't imagine my wife with another guy. I think about that possibility all the time, and is gut wrenching even though it hasn't happened.
The prospect of a new relationship always seems so exicting- a new person, things to talk about, and the general fun you have in the fact that someone is paying attention to you. But the fact remains that the newness wears off, the fun of the chase becomes mundane, and soon you are finding yourself in the same old situation- dealing with a person and their hangups and quirks. What was once fun and adventurous becomes routine, falling back into the very same feelings that drove you away from the previous relationship.
So why not figure these things out with the one you are with, instead of starting over and realizing the grass isn't always greener?
Most problems, aside from abuse, can be sorted out through communication and undertanding, ya know? Accept the other person for who they are, forget about the stupid crap that pisses you off, and learn to find a deeper meaning in the marriage.
Everyone seems so gung-ho to call it quits these days, as if divorce is fashionable or something. That's one reason I can't stand Hollywood and all the attention paid to these dysfunctional idiots that America glamorizes. All you hear about is who is cheating on who, which couple is getting divorced, and which actor is cheating on their husband/wife with another person.
Marriage just doesn't seem to be taken as serious as it once was perceived. First sign of trouble--bail out, and fall into another doomed relationship.
If both people aren't willing to take the time to figure out what is wrong with the current marriage, why the hell do they think they will be happy in another one?
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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You stated perfectly how I feel.
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Insert witty comment here.
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LostWithoutHope
New
Reged: 03/31/08
Posts: 13
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I understand your frustration, but at least be thankful that she thought better of the divorce for now. I know it is extremely difficult, but you need to give her time to figure things out.
I am in a very similar situation and find it difficult taking my own advice. My wife left without any notice, moved most of the stuff out of the house, rented her own place, and filed for divorce. She is not willing to discuss anything and says that she will only consider counseling once the divorce is final. Doesn't seem to make sense to me, but I don't have a choice in the matter - FL (like most states) is a no-fault divorce state. As such, I cannot stop this no matter how hard I try.
All I can do is emphasize the advice others have given me. Work on yourself right now and make yourself happy - as no one is going to be interested in a broken person that is miserable. Once your spouse sees your improvements and happiness, they may be more inclined to return.
Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.
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Zephyr
New
Reged: 05/14/08
Posts: 1
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I just went through this and the divorce was finalized, in Florida, two weeks ago.
About 6 months ago, things were going bad. We were both frustrated, saying things we didn't mean when our norm for about the last year was saying very little at all, seemingly out of fear of each other. I was seeking positive energy with the people I worked with, because I just did not get it at home anymore. Actually, I doubt my wife ever knew how to handle the workload of being the positive person and the entertainer in our relationship. When things got really stressful at my job, and I was emotionally burned out, I didn't have the energy to deal with anything when I went home. I didn't have the energy to be the entertainer anymore. All I wanted from her was a smile, a joke, or to throw her arms around me and to act happy to see me.
Anyway, she decided to ask me to leave around December. I found out in January that she had been talking to someone else for some time. I guess she's like a monkey who must have another branch in her hand before she lets go of the current one.
I know her wall went up because there was another prospect.
I tried everything I knew how to get us talking again, get us to counseling and even begged her repeatedly to not throw it all away. There definitely was a "wall" up. It was like I didn't even know her anymore, and that all the years I had put into the relationship were worthless and meaningless to her.
Now all I can think about is this other guy with her. The divorce is final, other girls have expressed interest in me, but I'm just not ready to do anything. She's really destroyed me in the way she's done all this.
I asked her not to do it on the day of the divorce. We both agreed our big problem was fear, but she had made up her mind already.
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