inafog
New
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 2
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2 weeks ago my wife and i separated... she told me she she needed space to figure things out for herself.. to find herself again.. we have been together for 9 years and yesterday married for 6...throughout our entire relationship kids and life has come before us and at some point we were just there...i started falling asleep on couch most nights.. i am a very controlling person and really when i look back have kind of kept her in a bubble.. she honestly has tried to communicate with me over things that bothered her but i wouldn't listen or i would in a way tell her she didn't feel that way... i'm not saying everything is my fault but i can see that it would be hard to have feelings for someone that acted that way towards you... she told me a week ago that she hasn't missed me like she thought she might.. however we still see each other everyday because of our children.. we went on a date last friday and she was SO affectionate towards me..she had a lot of fun... then she went out with her friends on Saturday...she didn't come home til after five a.m.... i had stayed over there because one of the kids were sick... i was up almost all night wondering and pacing....where she was at... when she got home i blew up...where the f...k have you been? at first she said that she went to breakfast with her friends and then took them home... i said that doesn't take three and a half hours to do... then i got outta her that her and her friends went to a guys house...she wouldn't tell me who...so i got even more upset and grabbed her cell phone.. in there i her telling someone "my soon to be x"... i was devastated...more devastated because she has been telling me she doesn't know what she wants and then to find that... well i blew up and said i can't take it any more and told her we should file... she agreed... today we met for breakfast and talked for two hours because we need to be civil and put our differences aside for the kids... for the first time in 9 years she showed emotion.. the kind that i have been yearning for for so long.. the kind that made me think does she really want this? i love this woman so much and over the last couple of months have really realized how much... i don't want to be without her... is there any coming back from this? is there a chance that maybe she doesn't want it? is there a chance that she is still confused about what she wants? there is so much more to this story but this is it in a nutshell... just kinda babbling...but needed to talk for i sit in a room at my fathers in the dark... in pain...crying..angry...lost...
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Calico
Platinum
Reged: 11/01/06
Posts: 358
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Is there still hope? Yes, I think there is. But it would take alot of hard work on both parts to make a go of it. I think your admitting you are controlling and seeing your part in the demise of your marriage is a big step. Yes, it takes to to make it work or to let it die. Probably the first thing you should do it go to counseling by yourself and show her that you are serious about becoming a better person. But the only way it can work is if she wants to stay in the marriage too. I guess only you and she know if there is anything left to salvage. I sure hope so...there is always so much devastation when a marraige ends.
Whew it is tough to sit there all night when she is out, and she is wrong to expect that of you. If she needs her space, then she should keep you out of it!! And as long as you are still married, she needs to respect that too, and behave herself until she IS single again. I have been in your shoes....only it was my husband who was controlling, not me (though obviously there were 2 sides to the story). He was out running around, and I was home wondering where he was. I know the pain it causes, it is hell. I hope you can pull yourself together and rise above it all.
I too sat in the dark and cried for hours. Please don't do that anymore. It only makes you feel worse. Try to get a grip and get out and move and see your friends, and do something. You will go crazy dwelling on it. I know it is on your mind 24/7, that is pretty natural at first....but trust me, it will get better in time. You cannot be responsible for her actions, but you are responsible for your own.
You will make it. Everyday people go through this and survive. You have lots of friends here, and lots of us have been where you are now. We are all here to help you.
Kris
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jlharris
New
Reged: 05/13/08
Posts: 1
Loc: texas
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I can identify with alot of what you are saying here. I am sitting here in the middle of the night writing to my husband and telling him I want out. I don't know that anything can be done for us and I have lost hope. I know your pain as I am feeling it too. I do know that when it is over for you it will feel more calm, that is what i am feeling now. I have tried for the last ten years to hang on, we have been married 25 just this last week. There is no good way to say its over and there is no good time. I hope you can see your way through this, maybe just knowing someone else feels your pain may help.
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inafog
New
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 2
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She told me yesterday at breakfast as she was crying that she never thought we would be at this point... I love her so much.. day 2 of not having it in me to go to work... I cant quit thinking about her.. I miss having her next to me at night.. I miss having my best friend to talk to.. She has new friends from work that she has been going out with a lot lately mostly Saturdays.. It seems that she is so happy at the moment.. She has alway been very good at hiding her feelings.. BUT the happier she seems the more crappy i feel.. I have no motivation.. I usually am an extremely positive upbeat kinda person.. totally don't feel like myself... I can't quit crying.. You know at one point about four years ago i felt the same way she has been describing that she feels...didn't know if i wanted to remain married.. was unsure if i loved her..but i didn't run away like she has.. i stuck it out.. she always dwells on negative.. never has been supportive of me on anything i do.. I started working for myself around 7 yrs ago.. two months into it she wanted me to quit because it was a struggle.. i said give me more time... she reluctantly did.. within 6 months i was making 6 figures and all of the sudden she was a believer.. well five years into it my contracts got cancelled because i refused to do some work that i would have lost a bunch of money on... we lost everything we had.. she acted like she hated me.. So i set out to start another business... janitorial.. it was hard the first year... second year i took on a partner... things started to get better slowly but surely... still she was the unbeliever and pressured me to get a job... I told her to hold off.. i have some things brewing at the moment and if they pan out things will be fine... Nov of 07 she gave me an ultimatum, me or your stupid business... I chose her and sold my share to my partner... 3 weeks after that an account that i was trying to get he got.. 80,000 a year account and more was coming... i was devastated.. resentful... she told me that was ok because she was embarrassed to tell people that i cleaned toilets for a living... but i been delivering laundry for past 4 months...what's the difference... Why do i still love her so much knowing she hasn't supported me on anything.. Why does it seem that i am having more trouble than her.. Why can't i just move on like she apparently has...
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 127
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She's playing right now, its fun, it will wear off. You've got two kids. At least try to get help (marriage counseling). There are a lot of implied issues hidden in your posts, but nothing that is not fixable. Ask her to go to marriage counseling. The cost of a divorce will likely be greater then counseling if you go that route. She may be seeing someone, are you able to deal with that if it's the case? She sounds very torn right now so if she aggrees to counseling that is definately worth a shot.
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Calico
Platinum
Reged: 11/01/06
Posts: 358
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First of all, there is nothing wrong with scrubbing toilets or janitorial work or delivering laundry. It is an honest living.
Sounds like there have been some bumps in the road along the way. But then, there is in every marriage. This is so fresh to you and the pain is just so overwhelming. In the beginning it just contols your life. I don't know if either one of you should do anything drastic (like file for divorce yet). Maybe you both need a little time and space. Try to focus on getting yourself together and dealing with daily routines. You said she is happy "at the moment"....but what happens when the new world she is hanging out in gets old like everything else does? And it will, because that is the way life is. When I look back now, I see how I so wanted my husband to move home again, at any cost! Now, I think, it would have been the same old thing, same problems, same issues. I am glad he didn't move back. Now after 4 years, he wants to come back, and it's not going to happen. I have come to like the life I have now. It took me awhile to get here, but life is good again. I have done alot of soul-searching, had alot of counseling, and some spiritual guidance. It all happens in small steps, but one day you will look back and think, wow, I have come along ways! I am not going back to that place where I thought I needed him to survive. I like that I have found peace within my self.
So Please know that you can survive this. Don't rush into anything. Maybe you can work through this and maybe not, but know that it will get better. My counselor told me to quit trying to understand WHY my husband did the things he did, and focus on going on without him. It was good advice when I finally started listening. I hope you can find a good counselor to help you. It makes a difference.
I so feel your pain. Hold on tight and reach out to family and friends who will help you through this tough time.
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