Divorce Support Forums: do I take daughter to her friends birthday party?

For my own purposes, it's easier to follow a story on a single thread than a thousand of new threads started with each new different take on an issue.

I would assume that it's rude to drop of a very little one at a party and go... while the older kids' parties where the kids can be trusted to have a FEW social graces ... like not needing help in the bathroom from complete strangers because MOm & Dad arent' around... maybe the parents would drop of the kids & run. But only you know your child and whether they'll become the embarassing life of the party without you around.

For Fergie, I think his daughter is that stage where she's young enough that it's close to being expected that he'll stay rather than drop her off & go. And because he needs to be more involved in her life, he needs to make an effort to be more involved in her friends' parents' lives. EVEN IF they're friends of his stbx, who MAY not have said really wonderful things about him recently.

And Iv'e found out some things about what makes people think you're being snotty or rude... it's strange... they don't put themselves out to talk to you if you keep to yourself and are feelign shy. It's like everyone KNOWS that some people are simply quiet or shy, but when I'm having a bout of shyness, it comes off as some type of superior thing. If I open my mouth and approach people, all of a sudden they're wanting to be my best friends... but if I'm just not terribly comfortable in the situation and so I'm clamming up... people later tell me tht they thought for sure I was a real snob. Heck, I can even be intimidated by thier incomes, jobs, positions in life... and thinking that I've got nothing interesting to say, and later, after we become friends, they get all gooey and talk about how they always thought I was such an elitist snob and thought I was better then them or other such nonsense... and the only thing was that I was truly afraid to say something to them for fear of them not liking me.

Fergie, if your stbx's friends think you're a snob, rude, superior or whatever. If they think you're too inovlved in your job and not involved enough in your daughter's life and not good enough at being with little children... if they think you wont' like them because they don't have similar jobs or incomes or stations in life... well... all that you have to do to dispell this stuff (and get more rounded in your own group of friends) is to open your mouth and talk.

Topics of conversation: The kids are so cute.

You wish you had done more of this stuff before the separation,.

NOTHING about the separation other than that "these things happen".

Hey, what do you do for a living, I know that (stbx... insert name here) told me about it, but with the crazy stuff we're going through I have a hard time remembering to my own address these days! (and then once they tell you what each does for a living, find something complementary to say about it... none of that... oh, you're a THERAPIST, huh? I've got ENOUGH of those in my life these days! Trying to tell me how to raise my daughter... I hope you're not one of THOSE!)

Who do you think will be the girls' teacher next year? What do you think of her/him?

Wow, you did a great job with this cake... can you give me the name of the bakery, I'm doing a little party for daughter in a few weeks for her birthday. STBX will be doing the big party this year cause I'll be out of town. I hope you'll let your daughter come. We'll be going to ... (insert name of silly little kids' restaurant like Chuck-E-Cheese) No gifts, just a little fun because I won't be there for her big party.

No, no big deal, I've got to be out of town that weekend... but hey, I hear that's what kids of divorce get... they might not get as much time with each parent, but they get twice the number of birthday celebrations, vacations & stuff. Gotta try to make the best of this, you know?

and if they ask you about the stbx... just say, "I hear she's doing well and I'm happy for her. It's been hard but I think we're getting to a place where we'll be OK with this" (yes, I know it doesn't feel true yet, but say it. These are friends who might talk to her, or about the situation in front of their child (who will certainly talk to yours), and so you dont' give them any more information than you'd want your daughter to have... a happy face, a cooperative manner, no resentment, no anger, none of that.

They will occasionally ask the prying questions... so just smile & give a really pleasant answer suggesting a ton of oooperation and positive thoughts for the future. And then move the conversation straight back to how great the cake is, what a cute dress thier little one is wearing... and focus on remembering which parent belongs to which kid, thier names, occupations, etc... if you've never bothered to memorize this stuff before, work on it now. Remembering things about people is one of the most important and flattering ways to have them get to know you.

You'll do fine.