alizzie007
New
Reged: 04/29/08
Posts: 15
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Ok, so, I am a soon to be stepmom in October of this year. I have been with my fiance for 4 years and have known his son (now 7) for that long as well. I have never really been involved with his ex in any way, even through all of the emotional turmoil she puts my fiance through. I have stayed in the car when we pick SS up and drop him off, not gone to any of the parent-teacher stuff, and not ever talked to her via email or phone. I've only ever been in the same room with her at one soccer game a few years ago. In all honesty, she is a great mother to SS, and I have no reason to be in her face (although, I must admit that I get REALLY riled up when she tramples on my fiance.... even though I can't do a damn thing about it).
In February, we had a sit-down (just after things had gotten really ugly between her and my fiance). She wanted to meet me b/c she found out we were getting married, and she also wanted my fiance to meet her new husband (also, her husband has never really been in the picture either). It seemed to go really well, and her HB and me and my fiance seemed to get a lot nailed down. The one thing that keeps eating me up was that her husband pretty much ran the conversation, and I was VERY much appalled and offended that he would do that. At the end of it all, he told my fiance to "remember, we need to keep everything in SS's best interests" and even jokingly said we might need to tap the back of his head at church to keep him in line. I, out of respect, would have never taken the leeway in telling her what she needed to keep in mind and how to deal with her own son.
One nice thing that she told me was that it's OK for me to come up to the door when we exchange SS (which I still cannot bring myself to do b/c I don't feel like it's my place or very respectful to her).
Following that meeting, her husband has taken it upon himself to dictate portions of the divorce agreement to my fiance and pretty much wrote him a book letting him know all of the things that they were "giving" my fiance in regards to the SS and how my fiance just wanted to take advantage of them in any way possible. THIS CAME COMPLETELY OUT OF NOWHERE. I made a couple attempts to try and clarify things on behalf of my fiance because they kept taking everything he wrote in an email and turning it into something that he wasn't trying to do. All I got from doing that was getting insulted by BOTH of them. I didn't put anything in my emails that weren't nice and tactful.
It was after that that I told my fiance that I am refusing to talk to her. Ever. End of story.
I know I have a long road ahead of me, but what keeps eating me up is that I feel like her husband is trying (even harder than SHE ever tried) to push my fiance out of the picture. Her HB enrolled and paid for a sport for SS, and then they both tried to keep us from attending because it was disrespectful to them because HE was paying for it. We ignored them and just showed up anyway - I think they realized that they couldn't keep my fiance from going.
He also came out of the house with her one morning that we dropped SS off and they confronted my fiance with more of the same!
All that I have really learned in dealing with other side of a SS has been in the last few months, but does anyone have any helpful advice on:
A.) Her husband's entitlement to dictate things to my fiance (I told my fiance that it's just small P**** complex, haha)
B.) Getting my fiance to be more assertive with the whole situation. I feel like he just lets himself get trampled on, and I can't do anything about it. On one of our rants about the situation, I told him that he either needs to step up to the plate, grow a set, and tell her HB that he will not discuss parenting things with him, only her, OR that he just needs to give up completely. I know that was harsh, but I am at my end in getting him to stand up for his role in his son's life! I told him that when he and I have our family started, I am not going to feel bad EVER if SS can't be around because of those two individuals if my fiance won't step up to the plate and be a little more assertive.
*sigh* again, I know I have a long road, but I really like this forum... any advice would be awesome.
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"I am not afraid. I was born to do this..."
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 2912
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The only person who can put a stop to the stepfather's actions is the father and mother.
As long as they both put up with it, it will continue.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 1870
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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sounds to me like this little boy's mother has married a very controlling man.
poor woman.
you had to deal with this in a few conversations,
can you IMAGINE living with this?
she sure didnt choose very well the second time around!
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taryn.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 389
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I'mma stepmomma too. We have primary custody of all the kids. It is a delicate balance trying to keep everybody happy. You cannot "make" your DH stand up and not get walked over. IF the new stepfather is controlling... that is up to your DH to say ahem... I am the FATHER. For the momma to cite verse out of the divorce agreement, then twist your DH's responses, the agreement may be vague or your DH is putting emotion into emails to her instead of clearly laying out his position. The new husband should be called out on his actions... but youyr DH is the one to do this... not you. My advise.... let DH handle things as he sees fit... give him your opinion and back his position.
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alizzie007
New
Reged: 04/29/08
Posts: 15
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Thanks so much! I have been reading more and more about other SM's and how to deal with ex's.
My fiance still gets really grumpy at me when I talk to him about being more assertive. He tells me that it's not worth the repercussions from her if he is. I have still been trying to drill it into him that assertive does not mean a**hole! He could be firm and stand his ground without being a jerk, but he just doesn't see it that way.
*sigh again*
Has anyone out there been successful at this, or is it something that just comes with time??
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"I am not afraid. I was born to do this..."
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Calico
Platinum
Reged: 11/01/06
Posts: 358
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My husband's ex wouldn't talk to him, only to me! They couldn't have a conversation without an argument, so she began asking to talk to me and her and I made all the arrangements. No, I did not like her, but I was glad we could at least be civil to each other.
Sounds like the new HB is a jerk. I hope he isn't trying to squeeze Dad out of the picture! Dad needs to stand up to him and he can do so and still be decent. His son's best interest should always come first, and I guess he is going to have to stand up to the HB for his son's sake.
I wish you luck. It can be done...but it is very tough. I always tried to remember that my stepchildren had a mother and it wasn't me. I let my husband make the decisions when they were with us. His son came to live with us when he was 13, and he was quite the handful. I don't know how we got through it all...but we did. He is now 33 and he treats me so well, even after his father and I separated. It is tough to be a step-mother. I am also a mother, and though it is challenging at times too, it is different when they are your own children.
I hope you and your husband to be are not afraid to ask for professional help dealing with these issues!
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 1870
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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i give you a lot of credit for caring and doing what you can for the kids.
kudos!
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taryn.
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