Downwardspiral
New
Reged: 03/15/08
Posts: 11
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after only one month of official separation, my "wife" has decided she can no longer do this. The more I am away from her, the more she realizes she is through with me. Today she said she no longer wants to try. No more therapy, no more waiting for things to change. I'm disgusted, heartbroken, disappointed, sad, furious, confused, angry, desperate, and, oh yeah, did I mention I'm in a real dark place right now? Rejection sucks, I'm not a bad person, I think it could work. Apparently love does not prevail. I guess I now have to post on "life after divorce" because some people would rather give the f>>k up than work things out.
Life as I have known it is now over..Where the hell do you begin to cope? For now, all I have is my tiny one bedroom I have been exiled to, and a 30 pack of Lager, which will be gone by the time I hit the "submit" button.
Call me stupid or irrational, but the cold void of reality is something overwhelming to deal with. The downward spiral spins faster and faster...
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ATVILLAS
Platinum
Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 2282
Loc: Lost in the post D maze!!
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Downward,
Sorry that you have reached this stage. I would like to point out a few things though.....
""no more waiting for things to change""... This applies to you too, you need to look forward to things that will be and not dwell on what will not be.
""Rejection sucks, I'm not a bad person""... No you are not and don't forget that!
""Life as I have known it is now over""... Life as you have become used to it may be over, but life is not over.
It is a tough time for us all but I can asure you it will get better and the many good people on this forum will do the best they can to help you.
Edited by ATVILLAS (05/13/08 09:37 PM)
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1201
Loc: Virginia
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I feel for you. I remember your original posts and I kept hoping there would be a way to save your marriage. Thought the same thing for mine. Brace yourself man, start finding friends and family that you can talk to and spend time with because the worst part of the ride is about to come and talking and being around people has been the only thing that helped me on some really bad nights.
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This space for rent. :-)
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1652
Loc: Not sure!!!
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Sorry Down. I know the feeling. We are all here for you
and will help you. You are not alone.
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I'm a living sunset.. there's light in my bones.. you can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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moochalee
New
Reged: 05/04/08
Posts: 24
Loc: Rocky Mtns.
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Down,
I know exactly how you are feeling, I'm going through the exact same thing at this very moment. I've been separated for 5 weeks now. I have one suggestion you might be willing to try. Get Michelle Wiener Davis' Divorce remedy book there is a great section called the "last chance technique". It has steps on what to do when your spouse is hellbent on divorce and your'e not. I have been using these techs. for around 3 weeks and can tell you that my "wife" is softening some! It's a bit of a long shot, but worth a try for me. Good luck to you.
Moochalee
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phoenixrising
Bronze
Reged: 05/17/07
Posts: 41
Loc: SoCal
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Umm...can you give us the abridged version of what's in that last chance chapter. I'm pretty much in crisis mode at the moment. Husband is hellbent on divorce and ready to file when he gets back from his business trip. Anything useful to share?
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moochalee
New
Reged: 05/04/08
Posts: 24
Loc: Rocky Mtns.
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Phoenix-
The technique is not a guarantee but in my situation I've nothing to lose. Apparently it has worked enough to try it. The bottom line is that you have to stop giving your spouse a reason to leave. Probably the most important step is to stop ALL pursuing behavior (phone calls, email, begging, pleading, letters etc.) These behaviors are reaffirming your spouse's decision. If you're pursuing, you must stop immediately, it's the only chance you have to save your marriage. This step is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The next step is to get a life- act as if your'e moving on with your life- do things you've always wanted to, if you act like a victim you will become one. The next step is to wait and watch what happens who knows? He may be curious about your "change". That's a very brief synopsis. If your serious about trying to save your marriage I recommend Michelle Wiener Davis'
"Divorce Remedy a proven 7 step process to save your marriage". A word of caution - the book is very optimistic and claims that one person alone can save the marriage. I'm scared because I've put alot of stock into this and so far It seems to be working but............
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. Good Luck
moochalee
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BillWebb
New
Reged: 05/21/08
Posts: 6
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There's a side benefit to that technique: if it doesn't save the marriage, you've taken some steps towards moving on with your life.
Coincidentally, I just did a review on my blog of a book which concerns ways to improve communication with your spouse/partner. I firmly believe that truly open and honest communication is the one key to keeping a relation strong (or making it strong from the beginning), and this book helps start the process. It's called, "1000 Questions For Couples," and although the title might sound a little trite, it might help to have a huge list of things (important things) to talk about other than your marriage problems and issues.
So while I agree that you should stop pursuing, when you talk with her, make sure it's NOT about your problems unless she initiates it.
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Visit my Divorce Advice Blog
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derkacz78
Gold
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 189
Loc: MIchigan
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I agree with the last two post. NO CONTACT!!! I have been doing that with my STBX and she has been coming around. She has been calling every three to four days. She has a new boyfriend and a new apartment now, so divorce seems only likely. However, she will not break the bond. It was her that wanted to leave, it was her that wanted the new guy and it was her that wanted to be happy. She may or may not be happy now, but she sure does want to know what I am doing.. Weird how that works. Stop calling, texting, emailing, and talking about the relationship. This will change your behavior and with that change your STBX will change as well. The only one you can change is YOU. You can not change her. That is the mission statement that I have been living by.
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WhatNext
Gold
Reged: 10/11/06
Posts: 106
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I concur 100%!!! It aint easy but if you can do it then it's a great thing. It fu*ks with her head for sure not knowing what you are up to and it starts you on the road to being better without her. What do you have to lose? She already left you.
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