MarMcMar
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 1483
Loc: Western New York
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Hi all. I've not posted for a while. I do lurk from time to time to see what's up though. I'm over two years separated & 1 1/2 years divorced.
For those who don't remember, my ex was depressed, didn't want sex, was verbally abusive. I tried & tried, then gave up and he readily gave me a divorce. It was only later I found out that he had a GF. For so long I was angry and though I didn't often trash my ex, I would tell almost anyone the "true facts" of the divorce. I now have a few regrets and a little insight.
I wish I had kept silent to all but a few close friends about my ex's misdeeds. My main reason is this: He is the father of my children. The world doesn't need to know the things he did to me. Those facts have the potential to come back to my kids in some way and hurt them.
Turns out, the foundation I have with my kids was strong enough to hold. Trashing their father didn't make them love me any more. They knew full well (or would have found out) what happened and didn't actually need to hear it from me or anyone else.
Secondly, in some odd way, me and my ex will always be family. The further I get away from the divorce, the more I see that having had children together, it will always be so. As family, I feel an odd sense of wanting to not drag us (albeit split) through the mud.
My negative comments and gossipy tidbits became carrion for vultures looking for dirt. They reflected badly on the ex, sure, but they also did on me and my kids. Yuk.
While I don't punish myself and do understand what I did, I wished I'd kept my mouth shut and taken the high road.
My two cents from down the road.
Love,
Mari
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The sweetest thing you'll ever see in the whole wide world is a happy girl.
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Motor-Head
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 456
Loc: 10,000 RPM
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Never say anything bad about the x LOL
That’s like saying men always lift the toilet seat.
Shit happens
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MarMcMar
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 1483
Loc: Western New York
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I didn't say "never say anything bad about the ex." I said, watch who you say it to and exercise control.
Unless you want to feed your own flesh to the vultures.
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The sweetest thing you'll ever see in the whole wide world is a happy girl.
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 1683
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[quote]
Secondly, in some odd way, me and my ex will always be family. The further I get away from the divorce, the more I see that having had children together, it will always be so. As family, I feel an odd sense of wanting to not drag us (albeit split) through the mud.
My negative comments and gossipy tidbits became carrion for vultures looking for dirt. They reflected badly on the ex, sure, but they also did on me and my kids. Yuk.
While I don't punish myself and do understand what I did, I wished I'd kept my mouth shut and taken the high road.
My two cents from down the road.
Love,
Mari [/quote]
If it makes you feel better Mari, I too have come to the realisation that I will always be stuck, in one way or another with the ex. A big grey cloud of a thought, but I am because he is the father of my children and they love him too.
But the outcome of your situation would have been no different had you kept your mouth shut or not.
Here's why. I have pretty much taken the high road with my ex. Sure, I have vented all over the place on this forum and must of made a record number of posts in the shortest time ever. Because I vented here and not to any friends or even family.
But my husband has managed to do things and say things over the years to the point that now we are separated, other people feel free to finally talk about it.
It gets back to my husband who regularly accuses me of having told people about his rotten behaviour. I've told no one (except you patient people here). People who have seen it for themselves are doing the talking and explaining. They feel they need to even though I wish they wouldn't.
The same would've happeend with you. Even if you'd said nothing your ex would have been 'exposed' anyway. So I wouldn't worry about it at all. Plus your ex had an affair. That would've really hurt and been hard to say nothing about.
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2309
Loc: Wisconsin
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Similarly, I may have trashed my X in this forum (have I?), yet all of my friends comment on how "weird" it is that my X and I remain essentially best friends. I helped her move yesterday. She bought me dinner. It was our wedding anniversary. We toasted a Modelo Especiale to "16 years of friendship, that not even divorce can destroy".
And somehow, I feel much, much better.
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MarMcMar
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 1483
Loc: Western New York
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Malone --
I know that his behavior was obvious and public and would have gotten around anyway. But, I do think the message my children would have gotten by my having been more private would have been valuable.
They still love their Dad so every one of my negative comments wounded them. They didn't need that from their Mom. They could have seen me handle it with strength and dignity and good boundaries - just not the occasional snide comment.
Believe me, the dirt is gonna be out there -- I just don't want to be the one dishing it.
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The sweetest thing you'll ever see in the whole wide world is a happy girl.
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MarMcMar
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 1483
Loc: Western New York
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HK -- I am jealous that you are still friends. I wish we had that.
Kudos to you.
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The sweetest thing you'll ever see in the whole wide world is a happy girl.
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2309
Loc: Wisconsin
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[quote]HK -- I am jealous that you are still friends. I wish we had that.
Kudos to you. [/quote]
I actually listened to and attempted to put into play the good advice I have gotten on this forum. I think Boobaa-Loobaa-Ding-Dong was most influential, what with not "marinating in anger" and all.
I have control over my own life.
All the $$$ I lost was always for her anyway, in case I croaked or something.
We've become better friends since we don't have to live together day in / day out.
I'm not sure where this will go from here.
Depends on whether malone "puts the move on me", I reckon.
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Motor-Head
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 456
Loc: 10,000 RPM
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[quote]Similarly, I may have trashed my X in this forum (have I?), yet all of my friends comment on how "weird" it is that my X and I remain essentially best friends. I helped her move yesterday. She bought me dinner. It was our wedding anniversary. We toasted a Modelo Especiale to "16 years of friendship, that not even divorce can destroy".
And somehow, I feel much, much better. [/quote]
Good for you H-K
My x is really liking version 2 of M-H
Its almost scary LOL
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2507
Loc: Michigan
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"Secondly, in some odd way, me and my ex will always be family. The further I get away from the divorce, the more I see that having had children together, it will always be so. As family, I feel an odd sense of wanting to not drag us (albeit split) through the mud."
I just had this conversation with my mother this week. She was not thrilled but she understood.
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Playing by my rules................COSTLY.
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