H0NEY
New
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 5
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My husband says he doesn't want to work things out and he usually says it when he gets upset, stressed and mad. Then later on he calls and says he's sorry for being mad and rude over the phone and he didn't mean any of those things he said. This wouldn't be the first time that he's had an outburst and claiming he wants a divorce and that our marriage was a mistake. I feel like he married me for all the wrong reasons and i married him for all the right reason or so i thought. I love him but i don't know if i can keep going with the emotional ups and downs with him. He has already emotionally, mentally, and verbally abused me. Also, there's another woman who he keeps calling. They say they're just friends but i don't believe him especially her!! sad thing is he introduce me to her, but this is before I sense that something was going on. I mean, how are you to react when that person calls him in the middle of the night to discuss what!? and when i answer the damn phone she hangs up! i confronted him about it and told him how i felt and he promised he wouldn't contact her. But he lied and they were still talking to each other and sending each other lovey dovey txt msg... he tried to erase everything off his cell to make it look like he hadn't contacted anyone all day but i know what he's been up to because when the bill comes... he's caught!! Then he gets mad at me saying that I'm being childish and stupid and starts cussing me out. And asking me why am i snooping around for? I use to trust him but he has hurt me too many times for me to just easily forgive him.We got in a fight over that and he says i'm just trying to look for something to accuse him of doing wrong. But the thing is I just want him to be honest and have integrity to face up and be a man!! I don't know. I'm just wondering if this marriage is worth enough to save it.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1201
Loc: Virginia
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If it can be saved is up to him. You can ask him to go to counseling with you, but if he isn't willing to go, there will be nothing you can do.
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This space for rent. :-)
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H0NEY
New
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 5
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Thanks for the advice. I'm still hurting, I've never been in a situation like this and it's heartbreaking for me. Sad part is that we've only been married for a year and a half. dated for three years b4 we got married. I was pregnant b4 we got married in Feb and then had our son in Jun. but it just seems like everything is going downhill from that time. He says he wants to work it out but then doesn't want to talk it over. Says he's just stressed from work and all but i think he just making excuses. I don't know.
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allthumbs
Platinum
Reged: 07/12/07
Posts: 245
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We just have your side of the story. But assuming everything you have said is true, it sounds as if your husband has anger management issues, for one thing. And the part about his female friend, that's an emotional affair that often can lead to much more. It's toxic to a marriage. I'd agree that counseling could help IF both parties actually want help. It will do no good if he's not willing. Then you have a choice, neither of them good ones. Stay and put up with his BS and raise your child in a two parent home. Or leave and be a single parent ( or shared custody ). I hope for your sake he sees the light.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1201
Loc: Virginia
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With the recent addition of a child, it might also be that he feels he is no longer important in the relationship. Myself included, many men find themselves feeling like they are no longer number one after the birth of a child. Ask him how he feels about that.
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This space for rent. :-)
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H0NEY
New
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 5
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"emotional affair"... I've heard of it, and that's exactly what it is. I tried talking to him about it and how i feel but he insist that there is nothing going on and I can think whatever because I'm being childish. I'm just letting him know how I feel and I asked him how he would feel if I was to do the same exact thing to him and he said he wouldn't care cause we would be even. But he knows and I know I wouldn't do a thing like that. I feel used though, and I asked him on how he feels about having our son and we would go out on dates just the two of us so we try to keep from falling apart. He says he just stressed from work but why confide in another woman when he has me i asked him. he just gi8ves me a blank expression and says i'm being stupid. funny thing is we were very close like best friends but now it's justb as if we drifted apart somewhere along the way when he started to talk to her. ugh! i'm so sick of it all, sometimes i wish i can just sleep an eternal sleep and never wakeup!
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1201
Loc: Virginia
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Be careful about bringing up the other women. If you keep bringing her up, I think you're going to push him away. I think it's ok to share your feelings, but don't use guilt. Find out what makes him feel loved. If it's physical affection, it doesn't just have to be s3x. A massage, hand on the chest at night, etc. You're going to have to initiate showing him love first and hopefully, he will feel the connection again and do the same, but you'll have to let him know what makes you feel loved, but do it without being mean, etc. If it's about spending time together, say things like, "I saw this wonderful little restaurant the other day. I would love to take you there. Maybe we could go for a walk in the park afterwards."
You mentioned he says work is stressful. He probably doesn't want the problems at work solved, etc. Encourage him. Things like "I know you sometimes find your job unrewarding, yet every day you go to work in order to give us things we never had growing up. While other people jump from job to job when things get tough, you keep sticking it out. I appreciate your loyalty and conviction. Thank you."
You will need to be sincere about these things. My guess is he just wants to be appreciated.
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This space for rent. :-)
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