Divorce Support Forums: When is it no longer poor taste?

Here's the problem. If you are the type of person to move on with a new relationship before tellign the previous relationship that it's over, then it's going to haunt you forever. There's no getting around that no matter how good you are in other areas. It's best to simply back off and not involve yourself in anything involving the previous relationship, including the kid's lives, becasue eventually the kids will grow up old enough to put together a few memories and figure it out. Just like they eventually check to see if Mom & Dad's anniversary was at least 9 months before the date of birth of the oldest child, they're going to know whether or not it's appropriate for Daddy to now be married to his mother's former best friend, and when, exactly, did that best friend start showing up during the day when mom was gone.

Truly, in those situations it's always in poor taste, the whole relationship is in poor taste and there's no way to fix it. That's the type of person you are if you've done that and you have to live with the reputation that follows.

If your ex broke the vows by not honoring you, moved out of the bedroom, treated you like dirt, you STILL had the responsibility to LEAVE the HOUSE before moving on. Say, I'm leaving, this is it, we're no longer a copule, we're getting a divorce, it's over. Make it clear.

Some people aren't as insistent on all the paperwork being done, some are. Some people set their morality by whether or not a judge has actually signed off on final papers... but to me that's not the defining point. To me, the defining point is whether or not you've let the family know that the family is now going to be split. AFTER THAT, if you move on, hten at least it's out in the open and not "cheating", which is what happens when one people is getting lied to about the relationship...

BUT, Jada, I have one problem with one fo the things you're saying in context of this particualr question... the issue being whetehr it's OK or whether the kids will be more hurt than helped by the presence of the step-parent once re-marriage has occurred. You're suggesting that the morality of the OTHER person is the defining thing and that THAT person is the bad guy here so should be excluded from the school events. You are at the same time suggesting that this bad guy needs to worry that if his wife cheated with him on her first husband, what's to say she won't cheat ON him with the NEXT guy she thinks is cute.

I think yo'ure absolutely correct in putting the responsibility for teh cheating on the person who was part of the couple and who left the couple to have a fling... NOT so much the responsibility of the person who was NOT part of the couple... becasue THAT person is not the one who took any vows with regard to that marriage...

But if you're saying that the BIRTH MOM, who was the one who is not re-married to the guy she cheated with, if you're saying the BIRTH parent is REALLY the evil one who can't be trusted, that her behaivor is so bad that it's in poor taste for her new husband to be excluded... then what you're saying is taht SHE is the one who's not much of a parent and SHE maybe shoudl be the one who is excluded... SHE is, after all, of the three of them (birth dad, birth mom and step dad)... the WORST of the three... Step is second worst... and tehn birth dad would be considered the angel in this scene.

But... maybe birth dad was violent and step arrived on the scene during a moment when she needed protecting? Does that now make him evil parent number one and cheating birth mom is evil only on a second level and STEP becomes, of the three, the best of the bunch? Does step now have the right to go to school events rather than the violent adn abusive birth dad?

Is there EVER a circumstance under which teh poor kid will have ANY of his parents or step-parents' POSITIVE qualities recognized and therefore allow them to e permitted to attend school functions? Or does the fact tha tpeople are divorce give us the right to run around judging them and saying there's something wrong with them... pointing fingers of blame and saying, "you're bad so you don't get to go"?

Which is why I stand by my first answer. If the birth parent wants to do right by thier kids, (which this is what the thread is all about... it's about the kids, not about the cheaters)... then the birth parents will gracious allow as many interested adults as possible to show up, participate, offer homework assistance, etc. If the birth parents are unable to do this for whatever personal issues they are still experiencing (anger over being cheated upon, for example), then it's appropraite for a caring step-parent to step back and recognize that the birth parent's comfort in participating is most important at this moment to the needs of the child.

When we start getting embroiled in who was sleeping with whom and WHEN... then it's stuff the kids really shoudl NOT be burdened with... kids who are maybe not even old enough to know what sex is, let alone what cheating means with regards to sex... To me, it's in more poor taste to send the message to the kids taht the ex and her new husband are being immoral, than it will EVER be in poor taste for her new husband to show up at thier school events.

Now, another question... does the answer change when the step in question is part of the primary residential household, is the one to organize the schedules, do the homework, drive the kids to & from school and their events on a regular basis? Versus when the step in question is simply a new spouse of the weekend parent who never cracks a book, never shares the car-pool, only shows up for Disney, movies, vacations but otherwise is just a non-person in the kids' eyes?

Wouldn't it be NICE if the kid showed up at any event (school or otherwise) and ALL parents and steps and grandparents and siblings and step-siblings were there... and no one was busy pointing fingers at each other, no one accusing anyone of being abusive, being a deadbeat, being a cheater? how wonderful would that be for the kid?

I just dont' understnad why everyone doesn' want this for their own kid and figure out how to put their own feeligns about the adult issues aside to make room for the kid's interests.

Sigh.

A question about trying to help the kid out in school, and it turns into people accusing each other of being cheaters and pointing fingers of blame all over the place, making everyone, birth parents, step parents, cheaters & non-cheaters alike, ALL look like a bunch of wrong-minded people rather than being able to come together in the best interests of teh kids. It's too bad that the parents can't find a way to protect the kids from the details of thier own pain.

But