faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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She sent you the message who the alpha dog is - YOU.
If my X would back down a bit with his relentless efforts to inflict punishment, he'd get the same message from my BF - that HE is the alpha dog of male role models in our daughter's life. Instead, he's letting his bitterness drive the bus and is setting himself up to be the one she appreciates less.
Been there. Done that. I love my Dad, and don't want to discount his role in ANY way, but my stepdad modeled unconditional love more consistently.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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[quote]On mother's day, my daughter gave me a flower pot and said her daddy's gf helped her make it, along with the card. My initial response was, "ugh I wanna throw it away". But seeing how it was from my kid, I couldn't. And I sat there looking at it and thinking, if this woman could go sit there with my kid and help her do this for me, when she knows that I would spit on her if I saw her on the street, she must have some inner strength and compassion that I am lacking at this juncture.
So I texted her Thank you, happy mothers day and wished her the best. [quote]
I needed to see this today. Thank you. I have dreams about stuff like this, but ... well, I've always stepped back and still been vilified like I was the devil, incarnate. I did NOT cheat and was accused of being some cookie he had on the side (he did not have any such cheating episodes, it was not part of his marriage, it is not part of his constitution to even contemplate trying to juggle and please more than one woman at a time).
The ONLY thing I've been able to do without criticism is buy stuff for them, and even then, I'm accused of buying INFERIOR stuff that's not good enough for her kids.
Sigh.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3116
Loc: Florida
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[quote]Here's the problem. If you are the type of person to move on with a new relationship before tellign the previous relationship that it's over, then it's going to haunt you forever. There's no getting around that no matter how good you are in other areas. It's best to simply back off and not involve yourself in anything involving the previous relationship, including the kid's lives, becasue eventually the kids will grow up old enough to put together a few memories and figure it out. Just like they eventually check to see if Mom & Dad's anniversary was at least 9 months before the date of birth of the oldest child, they're going to know whether or not it's appropriate for Daddy to now be married to his mother's former best friend, and when, exactly, did that best friend start showing up during the day when mom was gone.
Truly, in those situations it's always in poor taste, the whole relationship is in poor taste and there's no way to fix it. That's the type of person you are if you've done that and you have to live with the reputation that follows.
[/quote]
I find this part interesting as my first ex-husband possibly fathered his then best friends wife's child who was born 3 months before our son was born. They don't know for sure whose child it is...but just the chance that my ex is the father means that he was obviously cheating with her, she was cheating with him and yet I'm the one that is villified. My son at 13 knows what it means that he has a (possible) brother who is 3 months older than him, as his father and I were married until he was 2. Do these other kids understand? I'm sure its been twisted in such a way that what they were doing wasn't wrong and that my son was probably more of the "oops", though he was planned and his step-mom had more children with her then husband after this child.
Anyhow, once I realized that she was going to be a long-term part of my ex's life is when I stopped being mad about the inevitable. My son called her on mothers day to wish her a good day. My son calls her mom when he is at their home. She is super involved and my choices were to either be bitter about it thus trying to make her and ex miserable which would then make my son miserable or to deal with it in an adult manner so my son didn't feel out of place at either home. My son is more important to me then trying to oust her.
--------------------
**4 weeks to go**
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Mistake, that's what I'm talking about!!!
I've really been blessed in that my BF's X is the poster child for healing from divorce. She isn't the first person I'd call to go to the mall to tell me if my butt looks big in a pair of slacks, but she's been extremely gracious and generous to us, especially the daughter I have with the X, and the daughter I have with HER X.
I can appreciate and believe her when she says she is praying for us. It's not lip service, but what she has to do to help herself. Her actions, for the most part, back up her words. And in the case where she does feel the tinge of pain and it shows, it makes it much easier to handle the blunt reality of those scathing words when we know her heart is in the right place.
There's a lesson in that....
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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If the birth parent is able to handle it, then it's never in poor taste for an interested adult to participate in a child's life. And if both parents were on board with the new person showing that kind of care towards their child, then anyone who tried to say otherwise would clearly not be either parent, and would just be a rabble rouser gossip who did not deserve to have a say in the matter.
Mistake, you are one in a million.
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cubsfan
New
Reged: 03/01/08
Posts: 24
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You Said
Anyhow, once I realized that she was going to be a long-term part of my ex's life is when I stopped being mad about the inevitable. My son called her on mothers day to wish her a good day. My son calls her mom when he is at their home. She is super involved and my choices were to either be bitter about it thus trying to make her and ex miserable which would then make my son miserable or to deal with it in an adult manner so my son didn't feel out of place at either home. My son is more important to me then trying to oust her.
Amen Sister, Amen.
There are many of us "Steps" that want nothing more, regardless of the genesis of the relationship.
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