PainedPatty
Platinum
Reged: 01/28/08
Posts: 676
Loc: Southern California
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This morning began with an upset stomach and a bout of weeping. I miss my stbx so much that it has become a physical pain. He has been gone for almost 4 months and I am missing him more and more instead of getting used to him being gone. I am doing things to keep myself busy, but this is usually the time of year when we are planning our annual summer vacation and I can't imagine getting through the summer without him in my life. I know I will survive this too, but why does everything I do just remind me that I am doing it alone and that he isn't here? I have never felt so alone or lonely, even though I have friends who I talk to regularly, not hearing his voice leaves me feeling completely empty. I am posting here instead of calling him because I know that would only make it worse.
Very PainedPatty
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Not sure!!!
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Very PainedPatty, sorry you are feeling this way. I was
in your same shoes this time last year. It hurts beyond
belief but honey you will get through it. It took me a
very long time but I am finally seeing light at the
end of the tunnel and you will too.
I am so glad that you came here instead of calling him.
NO CONTACT is crucial.
Patty, we are all here for you.
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I'm a living sunset... there's light in my bones. You can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1412
Loc: Richmond, VA
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I hear you. I had a vacation at Myrtle Beach purchased for the family just a few weeks before the wife dropped the d-bomb. She loves the beach and I thought it would be a great gift for her. Now it's just my daughter and I going. [censored].
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 673
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It does get better, I know you are tired of hearing that. I was the same way till the papers were signed. That was the worst day, the pain was almost unbearable, the crying at my loss, the dispair of what I just did but then.....
Flash foward to today, only 4 days after the signing, I saw her this morning at my son's baseball game, she is sporting an engagement ring from the guy she left me for, he was there with her, her parents were semi gloating over what they percieved as her victory of taking me to the cleaners.....what did I feel? A huge sense of relief that is was done, didn't cry when me and the kids left, wasnt upset in the least bit, am actually in a great mood. I hope for my kids sake that her relationship with the new guy works out and they make it.
There really is life after divorce, you don't believe it now and neither did I, but there really is a life just waiting for you to reach and grab hold of it with both hands and hang on.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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Books29
Platinum
Reged: 02/20/08
Posts: 342
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Hi Patty,
I know how you feel. Being apart from my stbx hurts so much for me as well. And, since the beautiful weather is starting to come, it just makes it ten times worst. You know Patty, you seem like such a wonderful, caring, and considerate woman. If your stbx doesn't realize it, then he is an idiot. So, keep that in the back of your mind when you are feeling this way. You are so much better without him. He took you for granted and if he doesn't realize what he had, then he is the one that lost out. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Just know that it will get better and in the future, when you are ready, you will find somebody that will give you the attention that you need, and the love that you are so deserving of.
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 846
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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[quote]It does get better, I know you are tired of hearing that. I was the same way till the papers were signed. That was the worst day, the pain was almost unbearable, the crying at my loss, the dispair of what I just did but then.....
Flash foward to today, only 4 days after the signing, I saw her this morning at my son's baseball game, she is sporting an engagement ring from the guy she left me for, he was there with her, her parents were semi gloating over what they percieved as her victory of taking me to the cleaners.....what did I feel? A huge sense of relief that is was done, didn't cry when me and the kids left, wasnt upset in the least bit, am actually in a great mood. I hope for my kids sake that her relationship with the new guy works out and they make it.
There really is life after divorce, you don't believe it now and neither did I, but there really is a life just waiting for you to reach and grab hold of it with both hands and hang on. [/quote]
Patty I am going to hold numbs to this assessment because I am exactly where you are to a degree. I am lonely and I miss having someone there to talk to. Unfortunately my stbx has not been there for me for years. I have known in my heart that we have not been friends for a long time and even in our marriage I was lonely for that someone who I could share with and know I was supported. I just feel so hopeless that at the very least 1/2 my life is over and since I haven't been very successful at finding a partner so far the odds are that I will spend a lot more time alone. I am starting to like myself again though and enjoying not walking on eggshells for a change.
Wow sorry Patty I was supposed to be here giving you support not starting our own pity party. I hate it when it rains because I get really depressed and depressing. On the bright side tomorrow is supposed to be sunny again and I would bet if I came back then I would be a lot less negative. Maybe we both need a nice walk in the sunshine with our puppies. (((hugs)))
Christine
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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PainedPatty
Platinum
Reged: 01/28/08
Posts: 676
Loc: Southern California
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I hear you Christine. It's hard to find the sun through the clouds. Except that here it is VERY hot and sunny and I spent 3 hours out in it this morning at my volunteer job. Now I'm just going to lie around in my air conditioned bedroom and take a nap with Daisy, my furbaby.
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boobaby
Platinum
Reged: 05/01/07
Posts: 296
Loc: mass
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Patty,
I stop by here from time to time and saw your post and just wanted to tell you that I was where you are now a year ago. Your life is topsy-turvy right now and you are going to experience these feelings often. Every "first" you have without your husband is another ugly feeling in the pit of your stomach. The pain is unbearable at times and you feel as if you cannot go on without him. The lonliness creeps in, the inability to eat, the depression, the feeling of just being lost in life. But then one day you open your eyes and realize that you are going to make it, your life will go on and you will survive this horrible thing called divorce. It takes a long time to heal from this, so don't push yourself into rushing this along. You will overcome this in your own good time and you will be a stronger person for it. If anyone told me I would be happy again a year ago I would never have believed them. But you know what, I am happy again, I am living life with a smile again. There are days when I feel overwhelmed with living on one salary and trying to make ends meet, but I am doing it and I feel I am in a better place then when I was married. You too, will feel happy in life again. Just don't be so hard on yourself. And next year when you look back on this journey you will be amazed at the woman you have become!!
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 1930
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Hi Patty
I'm sorry you're feeling bad - it's the roller coaster. Or the 'three steps forward, two back' syndrome. I honestly think you can't underestimate the power of grief and the cycle you have to go through. The rational side of you works through divorce quickly, even if you remain argumentative about it. It's the emotional side that catches us out again and again. I've put the grief cycle in this reply for you. Re-reading it off and on has helped me understand my feelings and why I feel the way I do sometimes. (Just last week, I was consumed with rage again!) Reading the stuff about the grief cycle helps me understand it's still a process that I've got to get through. I hope this helps you too.
FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF:
1- Denial
Conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural.
2 - Anger
Anger with yourself, and/or with others, especially those close to you.
3 - Bargaining
Attempting to bargain with whatever God you believe in. Or seeking to negotiate a compromise. e.g. "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
4 - Depression
Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that you have at least begun to accept the reality.
5 - Acceptance
Again this stage definitely varies according to your situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity.
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PainedPatty
Platinum
Reged: 01/28/08
Posts: 676
Loc: Southern California
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Malone, you are right, it does help to see those stages written out again. I am clearly in the depression stage. I feel sad and anxious, but I also know that it is over and that once the grief is lessened that I will be able to accept that it is over. I keep telling myself that I miss him so much, then I think about what it was like for the past few years and there really isn't much to miss. I miss the dream of what I hoped for. That dream will never happen with him, and probably never could have. But that doesn't mean that I am done dreaming, it just means that it is much harder to trust that you will ever get the chance again. I am terrified of being alone for the rest of my life, but I know that is a very real possibility. I think that much of my grief is about that very fear.
Patty
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 1930
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Ohmigosh! You're talking to the right person about the fear stage - it should be in the cycle!
There is nothing worse than that bit - deep gnawing fear! It's the stuff that gives you panic attacks when you realise you might be alone for the rest of your life! My solution to that was back to back DVD series. I watched them all night long so that I didn't have to feel the fear 24/7.
I had that for months. And now I don't feel that fear anymore...my life has moved on again. I still get the anger and the rage - it comes back to me much more frequently than anything else - but everyone is different and that's my thing I guess.
You'll be okay Patty because you're strong. Just keep working through the stages f it all.
Good luck - thinking of you.
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