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I really don't get what my STBX is doing to me. It was just two days ago that I began to force myself to step off this emotional roller coaster. But I need help sorting this out... just a little insight as to why- WHY?
To make a long story short, my STBX is married to her job, and that is core of what ruined what used to be a beautiful marriage.
Back in November, I unknowingly began to isolate myself emotionally. By the time January rolled around, she was in tears. She felt like I didn't love her anymore. Arguments were abound. When I realized what I was doing, I changed my tune really fast. Why would I not? I loved her.
We began spending time together and I felt like we were rebuilding. I felt like we had rediscovered the love. Then March, she tells me "I love you, but I don't love us". This was just days after talking about starting a family.
This was March. She still lives in the house with me. She has many places to go, but she doesn't want to move out. She wants to share the same bed with me. As long as it is on her terms, she wants to cuddle, hug, kiss, and even have sex. But if I ask for any of the stuff, she walls up big time, and even gets verbally nasty.
When she leaves in July, she wants to stay friends and even visit (no kids). She even wants to help me pay the bills since we had everything electronically set up through her bank account. WHY?! Hello, she's divorcing me. She's leaving me! How can I stay friends with the person who shattered my heart? I think staying friends would just slow the healing process.
What on earth is going on in her mind? It was only two days ago that I asked her to not sleep with me in the same bed. I can't continue to sleep with somebody I love but cannot hold.
Anybody seen this before? Know what may be going on in her head?
Confusing you bet!!! You have described the last 2 years of my marriage. My stbx had moved down into the spare room as we became further and further apart. When we did spend time together it was on his terms. We had sex when he wanted it, he pretty much made the family room his room and we were allowed to be there with him on his terms otherwise I was expected to be upstairs and he would stay down until invited. Despite all this he insisted that he loved me and did not want to divorce so I held on to the smallest of hope that he would work through his issues and I would work through mine and love would be enough. Love has turned into hate and the issues didn't go away for me until he did. It took him leaving to finally admit that he was the source of my unhappiness and depression for the last several years.
Ask yourself if you could erase the pain and longing(because I still have those despite all the abuse and the sadness of the last 2 years)and look at your separation objectively are you better emotionally with her gone. Are you a better person with her out of your life than you were with her in your life. If you can say yes then you must let her go and for your own sanity I would recommend breaking the ties.
Christine
-------------------- This is the first day of the rest of my life.
[quote]look at your separation objectively are you better emotionally with her gone. Are you a better person with her out of your life than you were with her in your life. If you can say yes then you must let her go and for your own sanity I would recommend breaking the ties.
Christine [/quote]
Looking back, it really hurt knowing that I was a lower priority than her job and her students (she's a teacher). She would always tell me that things would get better, and I believed her. I deserve a woman that will put me first in her life and will want a family. If my STBX can't do that, then of course, I don't want her in my life.... but it doesn't erase the pain that I am going through.
Am I better person w/o her? When I felt wanted, I felt bigger than life. I have always placed a huge value on family. And now that's coming back to haunt me. Because w/o my wife, I am struggling to redefine myself as a single. On the other hand, I now have a chance to find a woman that will treat me like I'm the most important thing in her life.
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