phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 275
Loc: Cali
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My STBX wants to be friends after divorce. We have no kids. I'm worried that any contact will just make my healing process all the more difficult. Is there some validity in my concerns?
BTW- She said she wanted the D.
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Peace comes from simply knowing you will find the answer
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derkacz78
Gold
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 190
Loc: MIchigan
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This is an interesting position to be in, I am in the same boat. My STBX wanted the D and she still wants to be friends with me as well. I have decided that I could care less either way. She is only wanting to be friends with you so she can come back if something doesn't work out with a new guy or whatever she is doing.
She wants to make sure that she feels better about what she has done.
I have not spoken to my STBX in a aweek and and she keeps calling either once a aweek or twice aweek.
I know for me, it hurt me more. Cause my STBX thought that she could tell me anything and I would be cool with it as friends, so she told me about her new boyfriend and how he is so different from me and that she loves him and that they have sex. So if you can handle hearing all that, then go for it, if not, than I would just not talk to her as you have no kids, and it was the same with me, We have no kids either, I just let her go.
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2967
Loc: a melted glacier
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A tough situation. I guess a first simple question -- have you been able to remain friends with ANY of your exes from previous relationships?
If you are "just friends" can YOU handle it or will you always be clinging to what was?
What do you hope to get out of the friendship?
Is her desire for "friendship" a way of tossing you a pain bone, a codependant action or what it claims to be?
My ex. wanted to be friends too after she crushed my soul. For ME this is not something I could do, but I can see where for some it is possible.
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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SetterMama
Platinum
Reged: 02/24/07
Posts: 808
Loc: Toronto, Ontario
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My ex wants the same thing. He had an affair with his boss - told me he was leaving packed hgis stuff moved in with her, married her and wants to be friends with me?
Ummm nope - what does his friendship have to offer me? Pretty much nothing but heartbreak. We have no kids and I don't see the benefit to me at all.
I don't see it happening - I think it's how they ease their own conscience - I am still friends with him/her I can't be that bad a person right?
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He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. ~ Lau Tzu
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 275
Loc: Cali
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The comments made so far are dead on. I am not friends with any of my exes. How can you be?
She tells me that she feels really guilty because she knows that the marriage failed because of her inability to stop working, and trying to save the world one kid at a time. Looking back, I think she has some codependency issues that she needs to work out.
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Peace comes from simply knowing you will find the answer
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3109
Loc: Colorado
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It is easier to get closure on a failed relationship if your former is willing/able to participate. So, yeah, in a perfect world, remaining friends will help you get through it more quickly.
Problem is, a friendship requires a mutual attraction. The attraction is gone or eclipsed for you. You can try to cultivate it but realistically one has limited control over how you feel. The friendship will be an unhelpful charade and possibly painful.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1346
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Right now, I have no real interest in being friends. I've seen how she treats her friends and it's better than she's treated me. Screw her. Friends stand by you. She isn't my friend. She's just someone I had a child with. She can be friends with Jason.
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4836
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Ditto on KGrow's comments... on everyone's, really, but I wanted to add:
Friends don't treat each other in a way that would lead to divorce. WHATEVER caused the divorce, it's NOT a friendly gesture. In a perfect world, we could say, "oops, didn't mean to get married to a person I couldn't stay married to... let's just have a do-over and not DO this part of our friendship... no more intimate romantic stuff, but the rest was all good"... But divorce kind of wrecks the perfect world fantasies, doesn't it?
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 650
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Sorry derail of topic incoming!!!!
When I read the title of the post I was struck with the thought... "I got our friends in our divorce".
Back on topic: I have no choice but to remain friends with my ex, we are coparenting and it is vital that we work together and the only way that will happen is if we can get along and put our differences behind us for the sake of the kids. Fortunately my ex is a good person that has made some poor choices but she still has a good heart and loves her kids.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1754
Loc: Not sure!!!
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No way in hell would I be friends with my STBX. He
totally disrespected me and emotionally destroyed me.
I sure as hell do not need friends like that.
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I'm a living sunset... there's light in my bones. You can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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weatherman
Platinum
Reged: 03/25/07
Posts: 1048
Loc: GA
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There's no such thing as being friends with an ex-spouse. Maybe it can be faked, but it's still fake.
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That itch ...Could it mean dandruff?
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Books29
Platinum
Reged: 02/20/08
Posts: 321
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I would NEVER be friends with my stbx. You just don't treat your friends the way he treated me. The emotional abuse, lies, and deceipt are just a few of the many reasons why I would never be his friend. And, I'm with you PinkRose. His emotional abuse at the end of our marriage has forever changed the very way I look at the world and people in general. Friends should be in your life to support you, to help make you a better person and you for them. I can't be friends with somebody who beat me down and destroyed the very thing that I held most dear in my life. He doesn't deserve my friendship. In response to your question, I guess it would all depend on how YOUR marriage ended. If it was mutual and there was no cheating or abuse in any way, then maybe I can see where you guys can be friends. But, if there was any type of emotional abuse or cheating, I just can't see how being friends would be a possiblity.
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 796
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[quote]Right now, I have no real interest in being friends. I've seen how she treats her friends and it's better than she's treated me. Screw her. Friends stand by you. She isn't my friend. She's just someone I had a child with. She can be friends with Jason. [/quote]
WOO HOO! Right on! Way to go mfergel!
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 796
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[quote]No way in hell would I be friends with my STBX. He
totally disrespected me and emotionally destroyed me.
I sure as hell do not need friends like that. [/quote]
This is how I feel exactly! He keeps saying I need to let it go but I am NEVER going to let it go! He told lies about me and tried to take our child from my life. No way in hell is he a friend of mine!
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2125
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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for the most part
'i want to be friends' is an easy let down for the leaving person,
and
is a source of false hope for the other person.
not always,
but a caution for you to consider.
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taryn.
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jakandme
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 569
Loc: on my way up the hill
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I could never have anything but a coparent arrangement, there will never be "friendly" feelings there. There will always be a deep scar in my heart where he placed it. I will do the best I can to remain sensible, and civil. But no way in hell will he ever get the chance again to see even one of my emotions which is what friends get to see. Nope, not friends, not mortal enemies but not friends.
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What is the future but a mirrored image of the past? Only we can make it better or worse!
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happy2bme
Platinum
Reged: 03/28/08
Posts: 219
Loc: Phoenix, AZ
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I'm in a similar situation-- no kids, he wanted the divorce and then wanted to be friends.
It's been over a year since we separated. In that time, I have tried to be his friend, I really have. It's not been easy and I finally had to say sorry but the friend thing is not going to work for me when he forgot my birthday AGAIN this past Friday (he forgot it last week too). It's sad that you can be married to someone for seven years and when your birthday rolls around they are too busy to even send a text.
So yeah... sorry for rambling but for me, being friends is no longer an option and I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had just said forget about being friends from the get go.
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No man is happy who does not think himself so. ~Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1346
Loc: Richmond, VA
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It's been hard the last two days for me, especially with the no contact rule and going through the anger phase. I'm watching our daughter while she's in California for work. For some reason, her calls are going straight to my Voice Mail (seriously). When I get the message, I ask my daughter if she wants to call and she doesn't, so I don't. So, I called her today and I could tell she was really trying to make conversation and I essentially kept my responses to yes and no for the most part. I told her the reason I didn't call back was because my daughter didn't want to talk. I have the same thing happen to me when I call the house to say goodnight to my daughter and she doesn't want to talk. I think my ex is starting to realize that divorce means more than keeping things the way they were with the exception of me not being in the house. She wants to be friends. Screw her. She can be friends with Jason.
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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jjaann
Bronze
Reged: 03/16/08
Posts: 47
Loc: Virginia
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I am sorry but I have the same stuff from my STBX. He told my daughter he wants to be friends. He wants to be friends because our adult children don’t really want much to do with him. He almost ruined my daughter’s wedding with his affair. The kids just don’t have a relationship with him but if he was friends with me, he could hang out with them occasionally. So he will try to continue to use me.
I think it is a way for the person asking for the divorce to be gentle. I am sure there must have been a Seinfeld episode on something like this. Or was that the one about how it is “not you” “but me” break up.
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Robfrommichigan
Platinum
Reged: 12/13/06
Posts: 1389
Loc: Reality Sux.
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[quote]for the most part
'i want to be friends' is an easy let down for the leaving person,
and
is a source of false hope for the other person.
not always,
but a caution for you to consider. [/quote]
That's the best post right there...
I say it's fine to be friends..you betcha!! Why not?? life is short man...you never know when you might need that shoulder to lean on again.
Shame on all mean ppl.
Shame, shame, shame.
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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2615
Loc: Wisconsin
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I agree with Rob.
My X wife and I were best friends that got married. We were married for 15 years, most of which were pretty damn fun. I'm fairly certain that she feels the same way as I do, we enriched each other's lives in many ways, but things just kind of fell apart at the end for a variety of reasons.
I have no romantic interests in my life at the moment. I'm not sure I really want any. So far this month I have gotten together with my X a number of times, helping her move, going out to dinner, just going for a drive in the country. It's nice to have a friend to share a meal and a good laugh with. We had a good laugh yesterday when I slopped my bourbon-glazed pork chop all over my shirt. LOL.
I agree with Rob that life's too short. You could choke to death on a pea at your next meal. I have no time for nor interest in dragging around a bunch of anger and animosity toward my X.
Background: married 15 years, no kids, no infidelity, abuse, etc.
I'm sure that makes a HUGE difference in the ability to remain friends.
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WhatNext
Gold
Reged: 10/11/06
Posts: 192
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[quote]I agree with Rob.
My X wife and I were best friends that got married. We were married for 15 years, most of which were pretty damn fun. I'm fairly certain that she feels the same way as I do, we enriched each other's lives in many ways, but things just kind of fell apart at the end for a variety of reasons.
I have no romantic interests in my life at the moment. I'm not sure I really want any. So far this month I have gotten together with my X a number of times, helping her move, going out to dinner, just going for a drive in the country. It's nice to have a friend to share a meal and a good laugh with. We had a good laugh yesterday when I slopped my bourbon-glazed pork chop all over my shirt. LOL.
I agree with Rob that life's too short. You could choke to death on a pea at your next meal. I have no time for nor interest in dragging around a bunch of anger and animosity toward my X.
Background: married 15 years, no kids, no infidelity, abuse, etc.
I'm sure that makes a HUGE difference in the ability to remain friends. [/quote]
Who wanted the divorce you or her?
Is she dating anyone new?
If she was would you still want to hang with her?
To be friends that hang out the answer is NO, but I would like things to remain civil. If I see her in the supermarket I don't want to have to avoid her and go down another aisle
I would rather just be able to say hello make some small talk and leave.
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SetterMama
Platinum
Reged: 02/24/07
Posts: 808
Loc: Toronto, Ontario
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Not being friends doesn't mean that you have to hate her/him or feel any animosity towards them. No need to waste any energy. Getting to a point where you feel truly indifferent about them is the goal for me.
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He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. ~ Lau Tzu
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happy2bme
Platinum
Reged: 03/28/08
Posts: 219
Loc: Phoenix, AZ
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[quote]Not being friends doesn't mean that you have to hate her/him or feel any animosity towards them. No need to waste any energy. Getting to a point where you feel truly indifferent about them is the goal for me. [/quote]
Agreed. In a perfect world we would all be best friends... oh no wait! In a perfect world there wouldn't be things like infidelity and divorce.
There's a big difference between indifference and wishing someone ill. Indifference is definitely the way for me to go.
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No man is happy who does not think himself so. ~Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2618
Loc: Michigan
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Good luck with taht friendship thingy. Let me know how it turns out.
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People don't care how much you know.........until they know how much you care.
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1754
Loc: Not sure!!!
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I think it is good to have indifference but are you
are really friends with people that you have an
indifference feeling? I treasure my friends. I consider
someone that I feel indifferent about as an aquaintance.
I guess I still have some bad feelings.
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I'm a living sunset... there's light in my bones. You can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2618
Loc: Michigan
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No friends don't let friends do this kind of thing. Again good luck but I'm with Pink..........If you ain't acting like a friend than who cares. My ex will never be my friend ,she is however still a burden.
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People don't care how much you know.........until they know how much you care.
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2615
Loc: Wisconsin
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"Who wanted the divorce you or her?"
Honestly, it was pretty much mutual.
"Is she dating anyone new?"
Not that I am aware of.
"If she was would you still want to hang with her?"
Probably not. It would be at that point that I would vanish off the face of the earth.
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 818
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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[quote]I would NEVER be friends with my stbx. You just don't treat your friends the way he treated me. The emotional abuse, lies, and deceipt are just a few of the many reasons why I would never be his friend. And, I'm with you PinkRose. His emotional abuse at the end of our marriage has forever changed the very way I look at the world and people in general. Friends should be in your life to support you, to help make you a better person and you for them. I can't be friends with somebody who beat me down and destroyed the very thing that I held most dear in my life. He doesn't deserve my friendship. In response to your question, I guess it would all depend on how YOUR marriage ended. If it was mutual and there was no cheating or abuse in any way, then maybe I can see where you guys can be friends. But, if there was any type of emotional abuse or cheating, I just can't see how being friends would be a possiblity. [/quote]
What Books said!!!!!
Christine
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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WhatNext
Gold
Reged: 10/11/06
Posts: 192
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[quote]"Who wanted the divorce you or her?"
Honestly, it was pretty much mutual.
"Is she dating anyone new?"
Not that I am aware of.
"If she was would you still want to hang with her?"
Probably not. It would be at that point that I would vanish off the face of the earth. [/quote]
So then it is just a matter of time until you stop being "friends" that hang out together.
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phoenixrising
Bronze
Reged: 05/17/07
Posts: 41
Loc: SoCal
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After telling me that he needs to leave me b/c he deserves better, there is no way in hell that I will ever be friends with him. I told him that the only time he will ever be allowed to call me is if one of our children ends up in the ER. Otherwise all communication needs to be limited to texting only (short and simple).
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Motor-Head
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 594
Loc: 10,000 RPM
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Glad I did not marry some of the ladies that are posting. Of course I would have probably dumped your ½ way threw the first date. LOL Good god bitter bitter bitter.
Look, if you have kids put the BS of the x marriage aside and do what’s right for the kids. No you don’t have to like them but why be a total Jackass because he said he deserved better etc etc etc
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Robfrommichigan
Platinum
Reged: 12/13/06
Posts: 1389
Loc: Reality Sux.
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