phyzguy
Gold
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 141
Loc: Cali
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My STBX wants to be friends after divorce. We have no kids. I'm worried that any contact will just make my healing process all the more difficult. Is there some validity in my concerns?
BTW- She said she wanted the D.
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derkacz78
Gold
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 189
Loc: MIchigan
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This is an interesting position to be in, I am in the same boat. My STBX wanted the D and she still wants to be friends with me as well. I have decided that I could care less either way. She is only wanting to be friends with you so she can come back if something doesn't work out with a new guy or whatever she is doing.
She wants to make sure that she feels better about what she has done.
I have not spoken to my STBX in a aweek and and she keeps calling either once a aweek or twice aweek.
I know for me, it hurt me more. Cause my STBX thought that she could tell me anything and I would be cool with it as friends, so she told me about her new boyfriend and how he is so different from me and that she loves him and that they have sex. So if you can handle hearing all that, then go for it, if not, than I would just not talk to her as you have no kids, and it was the same with me, We have no kids either, I just let her go.
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2912
Loc: a melted glacier
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A tough situation. I guess a first simple question -- have you been able to remain friends with ANY of your exes from previous relationships?
If you are "just friends" can YOU handle it or will you always be clinging to what was?
What do you hope to get out of the friendship?
Is her desire for "friendship" a way of tossing you a pain bone, a codependant action or what it claims to be?
My ex. wanted to be friends too after she crushed my soul. For ME this is not something I could do, but I can see where for some it is possible.
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All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
-J.R.R. Tolkien
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SetterMama
Platinum
Reged: 02/24/07
Posts: 762
Loc: Toronto, Ontario
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My ex wants the same thing. He had an affair with his boss - told me he was leaving packed hgis stuff moved in with her, married her and wants to be friends with me?
Ummm nope - what does his friendship have to offer me? Pretty much nothing but heartbreak. We have no kids and I don't see the benefit to me at all.
I don't see it happening - I think it's how they ease their own conscience - I am still friends with him/her I can't be that bad a person right?
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He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. ~ Lau Tzu
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phyzguy
Gold
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 141
Loc: Cali
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The comments made so far are dead on. I am not friends with any of my exes. How can you be?
She tells me that she feels really guilty because she knows that the marriage failed because of her inability to stop working, and trying to save the world one kid at a time. Looking back, I think she has some codependency issues that she needs to work out.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 2923
Loc: Colorado
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It is easier to get closure on a failed relationship if your former is willing/able to participate. So, yeah, in a perfect world, remaining friends will help you get through it more quickly.
Problem is, a friendship requires a mutual attraction. The attraction is gone or eclipsed for you. You can try to cultivate it but realistically one has limited control over how you feel. The friendship will be an unhelpful charade and possibly painful.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1191
Loc: Virginia
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Right now, I have no real interest in being friends. I've seen how she treats her friends and it's better than she's treated me. Screw her. Friends stand by you. She isn't my friend. She's just someone I had a child with. She can be friends with Jason.
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This space for rent. :-)
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4252
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Ditto on KGrow's comments... on everyone's, really, but I wanted to add:
Friends don't treat each other in a way that would lead to divorce. WHATEVER caused the divorce, it's NOT a friendly gesture. In a perfect world, we could say, "oops, didn't mean to get married to a person I couldn't stay married to... let's just have a do-over and not DO this part of our friendship... no more intimate romantic stuff, but the rest was all good"... But divorce kind of wrecks the perfect world fantasies, doesn't it?
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 522
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Sorry derail of topic incoming!!!!
When I read the title of the post I was struck with the thought... "I got our friends in our divorce".
Back on topic: I have no choice but to remain friends with my ex, we are coparenting and it is vital that we work together and the only way that will happen is if we can get along and put our differences behind us for the sake of the kids. Fortunately my ex is a good person that has made some poor choices but she still has a good heart and loves her kids.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1652
Loc: Not sure!!!
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No way in hell would I be friends with my STBX. He
totally disrespected me and emotionally destroyed me.
I sure as hell do not need friends like that.
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I'm a living sunset.. there's light in my bones.. you can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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