fireoic
New
Reged: 05/24/08
Posts: 10
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Please help if you can!
I have been divorced since 99. We have joint custody of our 14 year old boy. I have had a reasonable relationship with my ex for years. We are both happily re-married. Two years ago, I was forced to move. I moved about a half an hour's drive away from my ex, and he flipped!! He sued my for full custody, and lost. He sent horrible text messages, sent hate mail to my employer, and is just all around nasty. We just finished with court (the full custody issue) in January, and he immediately put his house on the market and told me he is moving an hour away. Joint custody will not be possible because neither of us will be able to take our son to school in the other's neighborhood due to the distance and travel time. My ex has told my son he has to choose who he wants to live with, which he does not want to do. He wants us both.
1. should I contest his move?
2. if so, when? The house he told me he's moving to has already been sold to someone else, and he's not giving me any updates on where he plans to g0, other than "really far". His house is not sold yet.
3. What will a judge say? I know he has every right to move, but so far away that my son has to choose who he lives with? That's so unfair to him, especially since he is happy with us both.
Please tell me what you would do. Thanks in advance- fire
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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Consult with your attorney.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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This is apparently a case of tit-for-tat. I doubt that will go to go over well in court. Does he give a specific reason for moving? You say you were "forced" to move. What was the exact reason for your move? What is the current custody arrangement?
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1629
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Who has residential custody? Joint custody does not mean that he doesn't have residential custody somewhere. That is the address that determines school.
If he moves an hour away, you will both need to drive for pick ups. If that hour is out of state, then he legally cannot move there without filing a case for removal.
We need more facts on the details of custody to be more effective.
Moving does not strike case for sole custody.
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fireoic
New
Reged: 05/24/08
Posts: 10
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hi- thanks for your reply. We have a "true" 50-50. He spends 50% of his time with me, and 50 with Dad.
I guess I shouldn't say I was "forced" to move, but close to it. We used to live in a relatively safe community, until one night I witnessed a shooting outside of my home. The gunmen got away, and I was too scared to stay there anymore. They saw me and knew where I lived. My ex said I was being unreasonable- that nothing would happen to me or our son. Retaliation in my city for snitching is a very real situation. You would think my ex would know that- since he's a cop in the city I lived in.
Anyway, that's the gist of it. The judge said I was acting in the best interest of my son and my family, and so custody remained the same. Now he's moving so far away that my poor kid has to pick a parent. I took him to a counselor yesterday. Paid cash so Dad wouldn't see it on the insurance. My son doesn't want his Dad to know he's so upset. Is that the true definition of torture or what?
Thanks for "listening"
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fireoic
New
Reged: 05/24/08
Posts: 10
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Hi Jersey- thanks for responding. He's not moving out of state, he's moving two seconds from the state line. Neither of us have residential custody, as we have a true 50-50 split. He's always gone to private school, so that hasn't been an issue. I know we'll both have to do the driving, but the problem comes when he's at my house in the morning and it's time to go to school. It'll be way too long of a drive to get him there. Same thing if he were to go to school where I live. His Dad on his days would have to drive over an hour and a half to get him to school in the morning, and back in the afternoon. Him moving so far away makes life very difficult for not only him and I, but our son as well. He can't handle such a long commute every morning and afternoon. He'd have to wake up at 5am just to be ready in time for the drive. Not to mention he's moving in the polar opposite direction of where me, my husband, my ex, and his wife work. I will have a three hour commute one way every morning that I take him to school and then go to work.So will he and his wife.
My ex hasn't given a reason for his move. He would tell me to kiss his a** if I asked him. But why can't he move closer to me?
My husband and I have talked it over, and have decided to contest his move on the grounds that joint custody will not work with such a long commute. If we lose, then we will sell our home and move to be closer to my son. This could go on for years- he moves, i move, he moves, i move.
You would think that moving is not grounds for a sole custody dispute, but that it exactly what he did to me. He said there was a change in circumstance.The judge agreed that there was a change in circumstance, but said that I had moved in the best interest of my family, and that joint custody was still relatively easy to accomplish with the distance I moved away (30 minutes)
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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Dramatizing things by labeling this "torture" is not going to help anyone but your ex.
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fireoic
New
Reged: 05/24/08
Posts: 10
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That's all you got out of that whole post? This is a serious problem for me, and I was just looking for a little advice or support.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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if you stay put would your son continue to go to the same school and maintain the same basic life he had when he was with you for your 50%?
if your son choose to live with his dad who DOES move,
will your son be able to stay at the same school or will he have to change schools and such.
im a LITTLE confused.
i dont think you will be able to keep your ex from moving.
i think any adult can move if they choose to,
the court only dictates if the KIDS are able to be moved.
if your home will maintain more consistency the court may rule for him to live primarily with you during hte school year. you may need to hire a GAL to speak for your son, to kind of take this poor kid off the 'hot seat' so to speak.
--------------------
taryn.
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fireoic
New
Reged: 05/24/08
Posts: 10
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HI- If I had him full time- he would change to schools to my zone. When his dad moves, he'll be in the school where he'll be moving to. He's in a private school right now, about ten minutes from dad and 25 from me. The problem is that school only goes to the eigth grade, so he will be going to a different school shortly anyway. The argument will be when he moves, who will my son live with?
My ex requested a court appointed attny for my son for the last case. So he interviewed with the guy, and told him he wanted to keep things the same (i.e. 50-50 custody) Now he knows that that won't be possible because of the distance, so he will be either with him or with me. He loves us both and our new families very much. We are both good parents (at least that's what I gather from what my son says.....remember, my ex and I don't talk anymore)Both households are stable, loving, and conducive to a good childhood. I guess what really pisses me off is this: The kid is happy- what mess that up? Why take away one loving parent (whether it's me or him) and destroy his little world?
and this: who the hell gives anybody the right to take away my child as long as he's happy and healthy? Isn't he just as much mine as his? jeez...
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1629
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You don't need to change to sole custody. You need to change the residential parent from 50/50 to one house or the other. The child needs to know what school he is going to and you need to work it through.
I would look at a mediator first. See if they can help you identify the critical points. Plus, if your ex is unreasonable, then they will see it.
I think what KGrow is saying is that your post is wildly all over the place. A court wants to see a plan. That plan is either accepted, disputed or modified. They don't want to hear about what either one of you has done, they want to know your plan going forward for your son.
If you have 50/50 and you took your child to a counselor with no notice and an intent to hide it by paying cash, that can be spun to say that you are coaching him to go against his dad. Not saying that is what is going on, but Joint custody is joint - you can't start counseling without input.
I really think mediation needs to happen. It sounds like your son feels like he is in a tug of war because neither of you has a plan. The move alone will create a substantial change in circumstance for you to re-open custody.
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fireoic
New
Reged: 05/24/08
Posts: 10
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Thank you- I really appreciate your help. Since my ex won't talk to me, do I need to go back to court to ask for mediation?
Also, I took my son to the counselor because he's upset and I thought it would do him good to be able to talk freely with someone else who's impartial about the issue. I see your point, though, and I can't believe I made that mistake! Duh.
Sorry my post was out of whack- I tend to "talk" at a hundred miles a minute when I'm upset. I'm just completely overwhelmed with fear, anger, and hurt, ya know? I really, REALLY appreciate your help, though, and I will continue to come here to get reality checks!!!
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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I apologize for my [censored]. I did not understand that going all over the place at a hundred miles per minute (6000 MPH - supersonic, baby) is your style for working through stuff.
There was some actual advice in my comment though. Like Jersey Girl said, you're going to have to find a way to get more focused to make progress with the courts and your ex and with your son for that matter.
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