Divorce Support Forums: Am I being fair here?

The "it's just a date" thing wont' work with you... I think.

At least you recognize that you idealize the relationship with your ex, though for some reason you don't realize how this is NOT an ideal... meeting, getting to know each other... discovering at the SAME MOMENT that you are attracted to each other is simply not magic. It's just the experience of being 20 years old (or 21, or whatever).

Ideal can have many different forms, and eventually the version of ideal that you need will arrive. However, it probably won't be with someone who is totally sedentary if you're a risk taker active guy. Well, that's no ttotally true... it's a matter of whether you can manage to merge your compatible interests.. If you need separate weekend time to pirsue the separate interests but you can come together after that, then great... soooo... you need to ask her out to a mountain bike ride, or maybe just a hike, some weekend, and see how it works out. Is she game for it or so terrified that she'll never be comfortable with it? Is she able to understand the draw it has on you so she can sit home comfortably doing needlepoint so that when you get home there's a really cute pillow waiting for you? Or is the issue really that you question her fitness level, is she fat and do you consider that some measure of laziness but are trying to be polite about it? If it's just the different activities, well, having activities in common is very often not a very good predictor of a successful long term relationship. It helps, but it's not the end... the ultimate issue is whether or not you are able to make your hobbies mesh with each other.

It sounds like you're not crazy about this girl... or else you'd not be so worried about her hobbies not meshing with hers... so I get the feeling that you're just worried that continuing to talk to her is giving her a wrong impression that it'll be long term romance. The way to solve this is to TELL HER. Tell her that it's too soon for you, that you're not interested in her for long term, but your'e really happy if she wants to spend some time helping you get over your ex... it's using her, yes, but if she understnads and agrees, then maybe she's also using you... you know? Practice dating on each other. Enjoy your time together, and don't spend your time thinking that it shoudl be the long term future.

REmember that you don't have to be able to envision a long time together just to have a date... coffee is JUST coffee... NOT a commitment to meet the folks and start picking china patterns. As perfect as you feel it was with yoru ex, you don't have to compare that to this, because this is nowhere near that yet... you are NOT looking at carats yet, you know? It's JUSt drinks, dinner, companionship. And if you warn her that you're not interested in more... if you let her know that you're not ready... well, if she continues with it, then it's on her... you have no responsibility for making it right ofr her, you've been honest about it and she is totally responsible for her own feelings about it.

It's HIGHLY likely that she has stuff to work out on her own. I had such stuff for a whole DECADE after my own divorce, so that every one I dated in that time was not right for me even if I DID feel like they might be. It took a LONG time for me to resolve my issues (which included losing 80 lbs of post-divorce weight)... and be ready to move on. You are not repsonsible for it if that's what she is oging through. All you are responsible for is being h onest. so be honest with her and if she is still willing to spend time with ehr, then go for it.

But stop comparing her to Ms. Perfect X. You might find it's a whole lot nicer to WORK your way into loving someone, to NOT have some magical romantic romeo-juliet moment of perfect conversion into knowing that you lvoe each otehr... .maybe in yoru ADULTHOOD, perfect love will involve something less magic and more concrete.. .more real... more stable. You MIGHT find that it's more satisfying to learn about someone fully and STILL find them someone you can and will stay with forever... someone who is trustworthy to do that with you. You MIGHT find as an adult that the magical version of love you ahd in your undergraduate years of perfect fantasy are just taht... fantasy... and that the REAL version awaiting you is MUCH more satisfying ... like if you'd eaten the dessert first and THEN found out how GREAT the steak & veggies were!

I hope when you get to the steak & veggies, that you find they're created for you by teh world's greatest chef, who knows just how much spice, garlic, butter, and other flavors to add to the mix... I HOPE that you can understnad that this is more long lasting and in the long run a better thing than the pretty cake with the great floral fondant that you had for your FIRST marriage.

(I mean REALLY, have you ever TASTED fondant? In MY Second wedding, we ditched the fondant, as pretty as it is, and had them frost the cake with ganache, which is MUCH tastier... and for me, that symbolizes the second love perfectly... tastier... more substance than form... more real... the thing I WANT instead of the thing I dreamed of and mistakenly THOUGHT I wanted... Once you've tried the chocolate ganache, you'll NEVER go back to the fondant.... but if your'e still dreaming of the pretty flowers that are possible with the fondant... all it means is that you're not ready yet. Someday, someone will come up with the tasty frosting and you'll take a little bite... and you'll wonder WHY didn't you do that before. if you're not ready yet, no worries... you'll be ready for it soon enough."

Don't push it. You'll get there. Don't worry about her if you've told her the truth... told how you REALLY feel... she's responsbilt for her own feelings. She's an adult. It's JUST a casual dating relationship and if she puts anything more into it, that's HER issue.

Of course, this all assumes your'e not sleeping with the gilr... when SEX rears it's ugly (fun) head... you've GOT to know that people's emotions are involved.. .and you DO have a responsibility to make certain that they're not being misled.

BUT... if you're not misleading the girl... if your'e not having sex iwth her... if you're being open... then who cares... have a friendhsip with her even if she hopes it goes further.... go as far as you're comortable and know that you've been truthful with her and all is fair.