soccermoma
Bronze
Reged: 05/04/08
Posts: 30
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My ex just informed me that when we go to court in 10 days he is not going to agree to the agreement that we made in medation last week. He agreed to 1,3,5 fri- mon but now wants the 1,2,3 sat to tues. He is moving 45 miles away in the next month, but that seems to change on a weekly basis. I dont feel that it is in our daughters best interst to have to get up and travel that far for school. HELP ME!
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1629
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Do you have the mediation agreement? Between now and court, do not talk to him. If he renegs on a written deal, the court will not let him. If you don't have it in writing, call the mediator and inform them of the situation. Ask them what can be done.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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What state are you in?
In NJ, even if there is no signature, you can enforce that agreement. And since it was reached during mediation, you would not have a problem proving that there was an agreement.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1304
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I wouldn't think the courts would just give him that much more time anyway. changing the 2nd weekend from the 5th weekend adds a lot more days a year. More then half of the weekends will be with X. The arbitrator can testify that there was an agreement reached.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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If you can't bring in something that you ARE in agreement on, probably the next best thing is to bring in something that you WERE in agreement on. The judge will hopefully use that as a starting point for his ruling.
Edited by KGrow (05/27/08 12:51 PM)
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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I'm not understanding exactly how this helps him and hurts you or the kids. It sounds like almost the same amount of time other than that there are a lot fewer 5th weekends in hte year so he gets a whole lot more weekend times. If he gets Sat to Tuesdays that means he has to drive them further to school, which makes no sense with what you've said... so ...
Here's the thing. It sounds like you've got a basic agreement on how MUCH time... whether Fri through MOnday or Sat through Tuesday is really the big issue. So figure out, what is it about the monday overnight that makes him think that will be easier for him? If he works friday nights and has a sunday monday weekend, as some people do, then it sounds great... he doesn't have to work on the day he gets the kids, you get them EVERY friday ... and then the only real issue is whether he gets weekend number 5 or weekend number 2...
If you're thinking this would not work, then be prepared to explain why (why it wouldn't work for you, not really why it wouldn't work for HIM... if HE says he's willing to make the drive, then that's really HIS problem, isn't it?)...
The total extra weekends he gets is 8 more in the year... but probably a few less than that if you count holidays and vacations where you also get extra weekends so those go out of the total count... it might be like 7 or 6 more weekends in the whole year after you remove the vacation weeks from the mix. When the judge looks at it, the difference of 6 or 7 weekends total is not going to look like something that's really worth fighting over UNLESS you have a VERY GOOD REASON for the fight.
Are you saying that he's not really going to keep the children for MOndays OR tuesdays because he won't do the drive, and he's jus tasking to avoid Fridays so he can go out with a girlfriend... and he's just asking for the extra weekends because it somehow bumps him up on the visitation a level to get to a spot where he doesn't have to pay much support but the actual visitation is just gonig to be a sham for the purposes of reducing the support... well... THAT might be a real reason that the court would think is worth worrying about.
But if you're frustrated becasue you thought you had something worked out and he decided to move after that and found out about a shift change at work so that it would make your original agreement impossible, and you're just frustrated at the change but not really hating it other than that you think the kids will be late to school on Mondays and Tuesdays every other week... well... the jduge is going to let him try to get the kids to school on time and will be frustrated that you're not trying to be flexible to help his schedule... which... if it's a WORK schedule he's trying ot work around, that's an employment which is going to be providing the child support to it's worth trying to work around.
Let us know exactly what is the problem with this new schedule he proposes... and maybe we can help you figure a way to re-negotiate to get back to a reasonable agreed-upon settlement... or maybe we can at least help you figure out how to explain to the judge what's wrong with it.
If the ONLY thing wrong with it is that it's not what you already agreed to, then the lack of being flexible within reason could count against you.
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soccermoma
Bronze
Reged: 05/04/08
Posts: 30
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His days off are Wednesday and Sunday. His wife would be the one doing the driving. Our daughter has Church on Monday nights and soccer twice a week. He says he works with his wife on Wednesdays but I am not sure. I don't see it being in our daughter best interst to have to get up so much earlier on Monday and Tuesdays when he has her. School starts at 730a am. Besides when she gets out of school Monday at 200 she will have to travel back there do her homework, dinner, shower and bed? what about some down time? He also needs to get a proven track record started. He only exercises half of his current visits.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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[quote]His days off are Wednesday and Sunday. His wife would be the one doing the driving. Our daughter has Church on Monday nights and soccer twice a week. He says he works with his wife on Wednesdays but I am not sure. I don't see it being in our daughter best interst to have to get up so much earlier on Monday and Tuesdays when he has her. School starts at 730a am. Besides when she gets out of school Monday at 200 she will have to travel back there do her homework, dinner, shower and bed? what about some down time? He also needs to get a proven track record started. He only exercises half of his current visits. [/quote]
I would stick with the argument that 45 miles is too far away for overnights during the school year. When summer comes, he is more than welcome to have her on Tuesday nights and all day Wednesday, since he is off on that day.
And the 1st, 3rd and 5th week-ends is reasonable. He still gets more week-ends than you, the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd week-ends simply isn't fair to you or your child, it would leave you with one week-end a month with the occasional 2 week-ends a month. That would mean that he would get most of the fun time each month. That is not something that I would agree to. The 1st, 3rd, and 5th week-ends would mean that you both get 2 week-ends each month with him occasionally getting 3 week-ends a month.
He created the distance, he is going to have to live with the fact that he is a long-distance parent. He chose that, not you, him.
I don't think that you are going to come across as unreasonable for not wanting overnight visits during the week during the school year, especially with her having to be at school by 7:30 a.m.
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soccermoma
Bronze
Reged: 05/04/08
Posts: 30
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Thank you for thinking the same idea that I was. Now my next question would be, what if the move hasn't been completed yet? The house is up for rent and some items have either been moved or packed already? Does that change anything?
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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[quote]Thank you for thinking the same idea that I was. Now my next question would be, what if the move hasn't been completed yet? The house is up for rent and some items have either been moved or packed already? Does that change anything? [/quote]
No, it would not. Now if he were to decide not to move 45 minutes away (which would be better for your child if he were to decide not to move), you can negotiate another parenting plan. And I still wouldn't agree to give him 3 week-ends a month while you only get one. You have to go by what he is telling you he is planning to do and the fact that his actions are backing up that he intends to follow through with the move. He's clearly planning on the move if he is putting the house up for rent.
There is one other thing that you may want to consider and that is extracurricular activities, I don't know how involved your child is with sports or afterschool stuff, but since most people (including coaches) work during the week, most games are on week-ends. How is that going to be handled? My ex brought the kids up to the soccer games, but that was only for a couple of months and that was really the only thing that interfered with the week-ends. The Tae Kwon Do I was able to schedule during the week when I had them.
Plus the transportation costs. His moving 45 mintues away is going to add to that. Who pays? Personally, I think he should since he is the one who moved away. But if you offer to split the cost (such as he picks his child up at the start and you pick your child up at the end), he may be more willing to bring her back for any extracurricular activities on the week-end if there is any.
I would also address how you will handle switches, personally, I would ask that the dates to be switched have to be in writing, this way there is neither side can say that the switch didn't happen and that the other parent gave up their parenting time.
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soccermoma
Bronze
Reged: 05/04/08
Posts: 30
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My daughter is active in church, soccer and girl scouts. I won't agree to 3 weekends, those are the our days together. As for transporting he would pick her up after work and take her to school supposedly, but it keeps changing. I am also trying to work up "extra costs" to add to support such as school uniforms and her activities, any suggestions on that?
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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Just ask for it. It is not going to be added onto child support, though. They only add-on childcare and health insurance (or credit if he is the one providing it) to the child support. This would be in addition to and he would pay separately. If you have been divorced for a while now, how was it handled before?
It's also not as enforced as child support is.
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soccermoma
Bronze
Reged: 05/04/08
Posts: 30
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We were never married, split 5 yrs ago, we have shared extra costs till his marriage, uniforms tho will be new starting in July
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theanswerguy
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2267
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I see from your prior posts that you live in CA . A lot will depend on the type of mediation and the county you live in , in some instances , mediation is confidential and is inadmissable in court , in others , the mediator may make a recommendation to the judge as to the final parenting plan . Without a lawyer you are at a disadvantage . Always negotiate . Why not " split the difference " and allow visitation the way he wants in odd months and std. visitation in even months ? Summers could be split equally .
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Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. Isaac Asimov
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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Was it in the court order that you split those costs? Or was it something that he just did on his own?
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