moochalee
New
Reged: 05/04/08
Posts: 24
Loc: Rocky Mtns.
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Hi all-
I am a recovering emotional abuser. My stbx were together for 10 years, married for 5. It started with what I called "jokes" a little dig here a jab there. Eventually I had her walking on eggshells to the point where she wouldn't talk to me about things that mattered to her and she was anxious to come home. she tried numerous times to work on things and I refused saying stupid things like "if you want a divorce that's fine I'll be over you in a couple of days". Well she did it almost two months ago (I don't blame her) and I can't get over her. She's the best, most beautiful, caring woman I've ever known and I hate myself for what I've done. Ive since come to learn that I projected my inadequacies and insecurities to her as a way to make me feel better about myself. I'm working very hard to change myself and can only hope she'll realize I'm genuinely trying and give me one last chance.
To all of you who've suffered through the same s&^$ I put my wife through, I'm sorry, you deserve better!!!!
Moochalee
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kboggs315
New
Reged: 04/20/08
Posts: 11
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Wow. Did you tell her all that too?
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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Please take is slowly. Recognize that the long road to recovery merely starts with the understanding that you have a problem. Give yourself some time to work on it on your own before putting her at risk.
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1493
Loc: Texas
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You should have married my wives and I should have married yours.
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tookway2much
Platinum
Reged: 03/31/08
Posts: 627
Loc: Going toward the light!
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I take my hat off to you. Most abusers never admit they was in the wrong. I wish you well.
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I don't worry about the people in my past. There is a reason they are not in my future.
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BillWebb
New
Reged: 05/21/08
Posts: 6
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Coming to terms with your role in your marriage problems is a good step. I agree that you should let her know all of this in the form of an apology, but it should be tempered by saying something like, "I realize that this won't change our circumstances, but..."
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Visit my Divorce Advice Blog
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Tranquility
New
Reged: 05/22/08
Posts: 22
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Moochalee,
Coming from the other side of ths situation, it didn't matter how many apologies my ex made, once the damage to my self-esteem was done, I could not forgive him. The apologies felt more like manipulation to try to keep me than true remorse for what he had done to me. He has made a lot of progress since the separation/divorce and if he had done this from the beginning, without asking me to give him another chance, things might have turned out differently. In the end, he would not leave me alone long enough to re-claim my sense of self-worth(He took it away, but I had to get it back on my own) I guess what I'm saying is, you can't control whether she comes back but you can control your actions and she just might see that you have made a real change.
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KU girl
New
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 10
Loc: Denver
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Wow. I can only hope my STBX will have the courage to figure out what you have come to acknowlege. It's too late for us, but I do hope he can eventually find the courage to confront his insecurities and inadequacies the way you have.
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caissonqueen
New
Reged: 05/31/08
Posts: 10
Loc: Chicago
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I wish my STBX would admit his issues. Instead I get the blame and supposed to forget all the bad. Good for you for recognizing it.
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Can somebody stop the world so I can get off?
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
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I sometimes felt the same way. Things I said she took the wrong way and I didn't realize how some of the things I said might have hurt her. Granted, I never called her names, etc.
For example, if I needed help carrying something heavy, she would try to help and to be honest, was of little help. Instead of thanking her for trying, etc., I'd sometimes respond "What exactly are you doing at the gym?" She would be at the gym 5-6 times a week. To be honest, I didn't see much change in her physically for the amount of time she spent there. That's besides the point though. I realize now that wasn't the nicest thing to say.
However.....she also made me feel less than great about myself by things she did. I felt like I was repulsive too her many times throughout the relationship. I lost over 45 lbs and it was still making no difference.
I take full responsibility for the part I played in the divorce and have admitted as such to her my mistakes, etc. She has not done the same. I was a jerk, I suffer(ed) from depression and made mistakes. So did she.
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Damn it's good to laugh again.
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