Divorce Support Forums: how many dates/how long until sex is EXPECTED?

Cedc. I thinkyou're missing half of Taryn's story. She has been separated for more than a year, thought the divorce was going to be over in February but her stbx keeps refusing to send the paperwork they need to get the finances figured out. Her ex has moved another woman into the house with him and has the other woman's teens living in the basement (the teens are known in thie rsmall town for being incorrigible, having drinking parties, etc) in also.

TARYN, in the meantime, stuck to herself for a long time, is finishin gup her degree, held off on going out with someone recently who had asked for a CASUAL meeting so that she could get through finals, which she did with flying colors. She has her new career on line and is about to start it in the next few months.

She has NOT beel flying from amn to man to man. She has had a few dates, a few friendships, and maybe a serious crush. Gosh... in the more than a year that she's been dealing with this nonsense, it only makes sense.

It's not like she's seeing anyone when the kids are with her. She's only even meeting them when the kids have thei rone day a week with thier father (whose visits were supervised for a long time because of issues of character of her ex's girlfriend and because he failed to appear more than half the time). She really never had the chance to get out and meet new people because her ex often ditched the kids at their visitation time and left her having to deal with disappointed little ones.

In her limited time, she was lucky to have had a few opportunities and find the time to get together with them often enough to even have this question arise!

On the issue of waiting till the judge's signature is on the decree, for many people, that's just longer than reasonable. Some states require YEARS ... hers doesn't, but her ex's behavior has caused things to be delayed time and time again, and it's not like HE is waiting for the ink to be dry on the papers. And what sill having a judge's signature do? Wil it make her any more sure that there is not goign to be a reconciliation? If she even had second thoughts about that after how this jerk has treated her, she'd need to have her head examined. Would it make the kids any more certain that MOm & Dad are split? Well, if the new family in his house wasn't enough clue of that, THEY may need help. Does the MOMENT of the judge's signature mean anything? Like if he signs the paper on his lunch break, can she have a lunch date with a man or should she wait till the next day before flirting with someone?

And if having sex is going too far before the divorce is over, then why isn't flirting, talking, having a crush? I know your marriage was 22 years long and you need a break, but maybe the rest of the world doesn't. MAYBE... just MAYBE... someone posting about their dating dilemmas has thought through all that stuff you were talking about... going to school, startin ga new career, etc., etc... and maybe (like Taryn), they're well on their way to getting it all finished.

And MAYBE they thought the divorce was going to be over with long ago but it's not for reasons beyond thier control (and in control of the ex, who has NO problems with moving on and moving in with a new woman before the divorce is final)...

In this case, interestingly, Taryn is the LAST person you should be giving this lecture to. The lecture about hwo she shoudl get an education, get a job, wait. She's waited, and waited, and waited for the judge and now it's been so long that wierd things are happening and it's going to be even LONGER before they get a new court date and even THAT might not FINISH it. She's finished her education a few weeks ago and is poised to start her new job. Her ex has moved on and in with another relationship and she is ONLY having coffee and drinks & such with guys she's met in the one precious day a week that she does not have the kids.

It's not unreasonable for her to ask this question. But for you to answer, essentially, that she shoudl not be even thinking about that, is unnecessary.

Taryn... I've known some men who have a 3 date rule. I think this started in reaction to that book that was out quite a while ago called "the rules", where the idea was that you NEVER have sex before marriage and it was as a way to manipulate a guy into having marriage... so the guys involved in the 3 date rule were all about trying to force women into a new norm of never going past a 3rd date without sex. Apparently they felt that as long as they had the balance of power (more eligible women than men in most cities), why not exploit it and force women to act in ways they find fun and irresponsible?

I occasionally hear of guys who still think this way. I think it's wrong, btu who am I to judge either way. To me, both RULES feel like a manipulation and unnatural thing.

Most divorced people will have one post-separation/post-divorce relationship where they hopped into bed much more quickly than they'd ever think was reasonable... some regret it, some just understand that it's part of the process of recovering from the divorce.

Whatever you decide, don't regret it. Don't do it becasue you think it's expected. Don't let some guy guilt you into something you're not ready for. When it's right, you'll know. You'll want it JUST as much as they will, and there is no point to waiting for a judge to say, "yay" or "nay"...