kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2992
Loc: a melted glacier
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OK -- Yeah ....... I am 91.9568 % sure she is interested. There are still somethings that put my new boundaries into play, but .... I MAY be moving in the direction of a date in the near future with SIGH gal.
We have now known one another for about 10 months or so. We see one another once - twice a week through our church. We talk on the phone (some conversations for 45-90 minutes), and have a general good time.
She is caring, smart, cute, ...... yeah ... the things you generally look for.
My guard is still up (some communication with the ex), and my main focus is still on friendship. But after this last weekend, I do get the feeling that I may be needing to complicate my nice little comfortable shell of a life. We a doing a group get together this weekend, and later in the summer are going together to a big local event (just the two).
I will be honest -- I AM TERRIFIED. Life is stable now. Life is happy. Life is ...... well .... better than it has been in MANY years. Life is no longer dramatic!
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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aspect
Platinum
Reged: 01/08/08
Posts: 635
Loc: Texas
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Feels good too doesn't it Kent? To think that you are even considering the possibility of loving someone again.
I say roll with it. Let nature take it's course. But don't rush it.
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cwag
Platinum
Reged: 07/06/07
Posts: 792
Loc: way down south
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kent. that is good news. hope it works out well for you.
you certainly deserve it! you've done so much good work towards healing the past, it's time for you to have soem FUN!
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there will come a time when you believe everything is finished. that will be the beginning.
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Nish
Platinum
Reged: 02/18/07
Posts: 1365
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Kent,
Have you even considered telling her what your hesitation is? Nothing like just expressing feelings and concerns with the other person.
She might agree, that you have valid issues and indicate that she isn't ready to sever all ties with her ex. Or she might just be able to quiet those concerns by letting you know that while they have no intentions of ever becoming involved again, they are just friends. Or she might just tell you it is none of your business.
At least you would have more information to base your decision on, as how you wish to proceed with your friendship/relationship with this woman.
If she is showing an interest in spending more time with you, but you have been hesitant to do so, she may be wondering "What is wrong with me" which you could clear up with a talk with her.
If you two decide to take it to the next level, proceed slowly. One of the best tools at your disposal is conversations of what you are thinking and feeling. Don't expect her to know what you are feeling, tell her. Also encourage her to share with you, so you don't have to guess or make a misstep because you guessed wrong.
Lack of communication was a factor in the breakdown of my former marriage. I when I started dating again and met the man I married 2 years ago, I let him know that if he couldn't talk about things, that our relationship was not going to advance beyond freindship. He just chuckled and said "Great, because I feel the same way."
Talk things over with her. Let her know that you are interested and why you have been hesitant to presue that interest.
Good Luck!
Nish
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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Nice. life is good. Cute girl likes you. She seems normal, I take it? No signs of ISSUES like your ex had? Just issues like the rest of the world has from time to time? (we ALL have issues, flee quickly from someone who claims to have none, because they're either lying or they're narcissists who believe that the issues belong to everyone else).
It's your choice. You're in the driver's seat on this. Enjoy the moment.
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2348
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Nice. life is good. Cute girl likes you.
Enough said!
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2992
Loc: a melted glacier
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it is nice to know that you are liked. It is also nice to know that you find someone nice.
Right now it is about my own fear of shaking up the stability I have found. Not sure if I want to do that yet. Of course, you can only give into fear for so long.
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2992
Loc: a melted glacier
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Nish - thanks for the advice. We have a strong enough friendship that I do feel comfortable asking her WHY she is still in contact with ex., basically uncovering if she is still hoping. I do know that she wants answers, and she knows more than he thinks she does.
the part of ..... "I am interested" .... putting myself out there ..... well I have never been good at that. I do know that is something I will have to get better at (OK I am trying to work on).
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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shoot kent!
i wish you lived near me.
we could go on a practice date.
me to refigure out HOW to date
and you to practice for your real coming up
"cute girl likes me" date.
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taryn.
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2992
Loc: a melted glacier
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Careful T ..... 
Me being me ... I will likely chicken out.
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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well with 'cute girl to date' you might chicken out
but who would chicken out with
'practice date girl'?
that would be counter productive!
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taryn.
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2992
Loc: a melted glacier
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Me ... I could chicken out of either one.
BTW -- I did have a nice hour + conversation with her tonight. Kind of figured out where we are eating this weekend. Not set up as a "date" (again -- me = chicken), but .......
As I have said before a good friend is of huge importance to me. The slow (ok like glacier slow) approach is my comfort zone. I know I will have to increase my carbon footprint to make progresss.....
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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OMG... green colloquialisms applied to dating! NOW I've heard everything?
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2992
Loc: a melted glacier
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Sadly it works for this situation!
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2992
Loc: a melted glacier
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OK - so this weekend we are having lunch before we get together with a group of friends.
????? for those of you more experienced than I (OK - everyone). How do you start the uncomfortable talk of the next meal being a date? Or actually letting someone know that you are interested?
No stupid lines please.
I am serious in this question ---
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1281
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You could give her a compliment like
"I think you're really interesting and would like to get to know you better". That sets the stage for more than friends but not heavy dating. It lets her know you're into her.
If she sounds cool with that, suggest an intimate place for the next meal.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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A few lines that have been used on me at that point:
"OK, so am I IN now?" (followed by immediate backpedaling) "I mean... can we start calling ourselves boyfriend & girlfriend?"
"Would you be OK if I kissed you right now?"
and,
"I guess we should just admit that we like each other and are dating".
The LEAST awkward of the three was the one who asked for a kiss. It was obvious, after the kiss, that it was a "date", but we never actually had to decide whether any one situation was a date.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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you could just ask her to do something else.
she'll figure it out!
and then...it will be a DATE!
whoo hoo kent!
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taryn.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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No talk needed, really... just a hug, lingering a TINY bit longer than it should.
Honestly, that's how most of my friendships became clearly romantic. Now if they NEVER felt comfortable talking about whether or not it was a dating relationship, whether we were "togehter" or should have expectations of each other, ... well, then it was way too awkward for me to handle.
How about, "I've started to think of you as my favorite pal." And then after the discussion starts, you find out if she feels similarly or something (and if she protests, don't assume she doesn't want to be your pal... assume she is hoping for MORE than pals)... well... after the discussion is started, then ask, "what would you think if we started to move towards being more than just pals? Could we handle it? It wouldn't ruin our friendship, would it?"
That way you're being as open with her as you've been with us... about your concerns about the friendship & such. And if you want a romance with the girl, there is no better way to make it work than to be this open with her, figure out how to be as candid about your concerns with her WITH HER, as you are with us.
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