jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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I caught my husband having an affair 2 months ago - our daughter did not take it well. could be that our daughter is 16 and this girl is 21 and for some reason, the girl decided to involve my daughter in her quest. In any case, my daughter was lost and in a lot of trouble. As we sat in counseling with her, my husband crying, he was leaving to go to his new 21 year old fling. We separated because there was too much arguing. My daughter went away for the night with family and I caught him in bed with this girl - AGAIN. I gave him the final ulitmatum - quit your job (they worked together) come home and help me rebuild our family. He did - that day, no questions. For 2 weeks I thought things would be OK - until I couldn't find him one evening and went looking - found him in the garage on another untraceable TRACfone with her....The phone made it to the swamp so I never saw the text messages he was sending but I'm sure they weren't meant for my eyes. For my daughter I have kept this quiet but do have to address it eventually. Now I have less than zero trust and he has no job. We've been together 20 years....we also have a son in the Navy. How on this earth can he throw this all away for someone 27 years YOUNGER than him!
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SFLLADY
Silver
Reged: 01/10/08
Posts: 99
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Age isnt all the issue. He made a choice and you have to decide what your choice will be ftom this date on. Consider the time you have given to this relationship and realize with all of it..he didn't feel it was enough to sustain from being with someone else.
My X was similar except it happened and I asked him to leave..he wound up staying w/ his gf and her mom and her 2 kids (not his) from another relationship. We had 20 yrs also..w/ 5 kids under our belt. Asking any explanations would be redundant because they seem to never know why!
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tookway2much
Platinum
Reged: 03/31/08
Posts: 627
Loc: Going toward the light!
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Some men think with their penis instead of their brain. Don't continue to allow him to hurt you and your daughter. He is not worth it.
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I don't worry about the people in my past. There is a reason they are not in my future.
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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I know, I need to be strong. I don't think I mentioned that his reason was that I had gained too much weight and he didn't find me attractive, he does, however, love me. Hmmm....
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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What are your intentions? If you are unable to trust him, you will not be able to save the marriage.
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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i was doing fine (i thought) until i found him on the cell phone talking with her again after he had quit his job and had come home. i don't know really what my intentions are at this point - we are going to try counseling - we start next Wednesday.
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1493
Loc: Texas
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So, he had an affair with this woman. Had another affair with this woman and got caught. Then got caught talking with the same person again? How many red flags do you need?
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 911
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[quote]So, he had an affair with this woman. Had another affair with this woman and got caught. Then got caught talking with the same person again? How many red flags do you need? [/quote]
It has been my experience that god throws a pebble to get your attention...then a brick, then a wall. This my friend is the wall. If I let a man have 3 strikes he will think I will tolerate that behavior. I know it sounds cruel but if it was me he would be hitting the curb!
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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You are all correct - I've hit the wall - it's just how to move on from here. He quit his job, my kids don't know of the brick or the wall - only the pebble because that caused so much angst. How do I make my next move? That is my current struggle.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2461
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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[quote]I know, I need to be strong. I don't think I mentioned that his reason was that I had gained too much weight and he didn't find me attractive, he does, however, love me. Hmmm.... [/quote]
wow.
my stbx practically had this concept down in his own personal song to me.
get some personal therapay asap to counter act the stuff he's said to you. cuz when he leaves... there are times that stuff is actucally LOUDER than when he was standing there saying it to you.
really,
IF you think you can stick it out and even have married living single marriage try it.
but meanwhile get some ducks in a row.
you most likely wont be able to do this for long.
and
your spouse may very well bail also.
the beginning stages of the decision making are rough.
but believe me..not near as rough as the actual divorce process and fall out!
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taryn.
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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I was thinking today - why do you all think he keeps insisting on wanting to be home, telling me I'm the most important thing in his life, that all of this is over, that he is sorry - why did he quit his job to help rebuild the family...only to continue to want to talk to this girl. There were several times I gave him the opportunity to leave unscathed - instead, he stayed...and continued. Now when this split happens, we'll be out of savings - our few assets we have will have to be sold and he has no job. I just don't understand.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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Well it looks like neither of you know what you want. I would focus on that when you visit the counselor together.
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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You are correct. Hopefully the counseling will help us figure that out...
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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Even if it doesn't, it will help you deal with your emotions.
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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Just an update: We started counseling today - 12:00. We mainly filled the counselor in on what has been going on, set some ground rules and talked about what we want to achieve in our sessions. It's all the same stuff we've been talking about at home over and over, but it felt good to talk to someone about it. We go again in 2 weeks. In the mean time, we'll slow down and take things 1 day at a time.
The girl he had his affair with left for bootcamp on the 22nd of May so she's gone for now. Counselor says this is not a bad thing - I just hope it's not delaying the inevitable. Again, 1 day at a time.
Also wanted to say , thanks for all the public and private support / comments. This site is the best one I've found.
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