KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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I regret that we did not work out a clear agreement on how extracurriculars were paid. We spent a lot of time on it during the divorce and couldn't agree so had to give up and put somewhat nebulous language in the parenting plan. We now have something to fight about every 6 months or so. It gives us something to do, I guess.
The no overnights with romantic friends thing is not particularly enforcible. It will just give you something to fight about.
The purpose of putting in requirement for approval of international travel is fear he'll run off with the kids to a country with no treaty with the US on custody issues. If this is not a concern then you can leave it as a requirement to convey itinerary and contact information prior to any travel.
First right of refusal is good but be sure to specify a reasonable time frame. Mine applies only to overnights and that has worked out well. If the time frame is too short, it is disenfranchising and a pain in the ass.
Spell out dates and times for all holiday time. Spell out transportation and who picks up and who drops off. On exchanges, it is generally better for the kids to be dropped off than picked up as it minimizes uncomfortable wait time and opportunity to argue in front of the kids. If possible, incorporate exchanges into the school schedule as in, you bring them to school in the morning and he picks them up in the afternoon after school.
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KU girl
New
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 10
Loc: Denver
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[quote
Don't be surprised if you don't get that. Unless you live in the bible belt or he agrees to it, you aren't going to be able to impose your morality onto him. [/quote]
Are you normally this welcoming to new members?
As my profile shows, I'm not in the bible belt. I think my STBX would agree with the no overnight guests policy wholeheartedly. I just wanted it in writing for emphasis. I'll be sure to discuss with attorney. Thanks for your advice.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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Forgot to mention another successful item in our parenting plan was requirement to work out child-related issues through a mediation/arbitration process. It will save you time and money and generally does a better job of furthering the best interests of the children than court visits. Make sure to choose your mediator/arbitrator carefully.
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dlktx
New
Reged: 01/18/06
Posts: 13
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I would definitely try to work it out so that your ex has some of the "harder" parenting times. My son was 6 when we divorce and I didn't trust him ex to be able to provide for my son because I was the stay at home mom and worked. Depending on the current age of your children you may want to try to include a progress to the possession time based on his ability to provide for the child. You may not believe it, but ex's do inventually learned to clothe, bath, feed, and be responsible. I am paying for my fears today. My son is approaching 16 and he's getting into trouble. My ex won't take him into this home to change schools and get him out of a potentional bad situation.
good luck.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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Look at things 5/10/15 years down the road.... will child go to afterschool... summer camp... t-ball??? Will child be able to be in band, field trips, scouts? Will child have a car, insurance, afterschool job?
Now that you have a picture in your head... who will pay for these items? What if child has a scout meeting during mom/dad time and that parent refuses to take child or let you p/u child for events? Are you going to split costs of extracurriculars... if so who makes the call on when there are too many expensive activities?
Then look into the future of your life... What if you get this amazing chance at a job in Hawaii??? Where will child go or will child stay? What if your STBX gets the same offer... Remember both sides of the relocation blade can cut, you need to be able to deal with speed bumps in the road. Think ahead and remain openminded with the child(ren) behing the focus.
Good Luck
PS what about dicipline? not just spanking, but will punishments be honored in both homes? This is something you need to have in place by grade school. Who is responsible for taking off when child is sick from school.
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cedc
Platinum
Reged: 03/02/07
Posts: 560
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Any regrets about parenting plans isn't usually about what you put in, but FORGOT to put in and wish you did.
It has nothing to do with being welcoming to new members, thats the reality of it. Overnight guest stipulations will be granted under temporary orders until finalized. If both parties agree any way after the divorce and somebody breaks that stipulation it will not be upheld in court. People move on(and have a right to do so)and its alittle unrealistic to enforce. Taking that issue to court is only going to burn money. I'm welcoming you aboard, but that little nugget aint gonna fly later on down the road.
Your focus on any good parenting plan should be cut and dry,EVERYTHING that could be a potential sticking point should be defined. Any vague points are open to interpretation and usually leads to conflict.
Who has and what kind of custody?
A defined parenting/holiday/vacation schedule
Medical- Who and How its paid
College
Grandparents
Right of First Refusal
Medical Decisions
School
Where the kids will live
Can the custodial parent move? Yes/No How far?
If yes,who pays for the make up time to the other parent
Phone contact
Mediation before litigation AND who pays for it
Plus a whole lot more. My parenting plan is extreme, because my X tried to steal my kids. Hopefully your situation is better than mine, but the overnight guest thingy should be dropped. Focus about anything and everything else that could cause conflict and put it in there.
Our holiday schedule is clearly spelled out. Christmas morning was with me this year and we still fought about it. She wanted it and I said no. Good Times!
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My X makes Peg Bundy look good.
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KU girl
New
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 10
Loc: Denver
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Thanks for the detailed replies. I'm incredibly grateful.
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utdivorce
Gold
Reged: 02/26/07
Posts: 147
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Experience tells me that you will most likely leave a lot of things out. The important thing, in my opinion, is that both parents have equal time w/the children. "Sole" custody in my opinion is bull$hit. If both parents have equal access to the children it will most likely work out in the long run. But if someone decides to play the smarty game and want Child $upport, tax benefits, alimony, food stamps and the freebies, that's when the problems start. What I learned is that the courts don't give a fcuk about what's in the "best interest of the children." Good luck
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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[quote]If both parents have equal access to the children it will most likely work out in the long run.
**Not necessarily...some parents say they want equal time but then don't take it or skip visits because either it's not convenient or they have personal plans.
(quote) But if someone decides to play the smarty game and want Child $upport, tax benefits, alimony, food stamps and the freebies, that's when the problems start. What I learned is that the courts don't give a fcuk about what's in the "best interest of the children." Good luck [/quote]
**I agree that the courts often don't interfere in the best interests of the child...however I disagree that expecting a non-custodial parent to pay child support is somehow "smarty game" or asking for a freebie. I wouldn't expect to put my child into daycare but then not be held accountable for payment, I wouldn't expect a neighbor or someone to feed & clothe my child without compensation, and I wouldn't expect someone else to raise my child 75% of the time without equal compensation.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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KU, I wouldn't say that I regret anything in the parenting plan...but I do find a lot of things are very hard to enforce. Can't enforce that ex doesn't drink or do drugs while taking his medication, shut I can't even enforce the order that he continue to take his meds and continue counseling. Putting in the order things like him putting my proper name on his cell phone while he has the children (instead of dirty f@cking c@nt), even taking child to daycare has been pretty fruitless...and its stupid to have to put that he refrain from verbally or physically abusing the children, yet its in there to no avail.
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