tlv
New
Reged: 05/23/08
Posts: 9
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I am in the process of getting a divorce. Just a little back ground, I did cheat on my husband, but I an totally in love with this other person. My lawyer told me that I can not see him until after my divorce is final. I have read almost every post on here and it seems like everyone is dating other people before their divorce is final. I just wanted to know how many of you dated someone before their divorce was over and why is it that my stbx seems like the only one that wants to make that an issue. I live in Alabama and not sure if it is a no fault state or not and does it matter?
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norcal
Platinum
Reged: 08/24/06
Posts: 992
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I’m gonna go out on a limb here by saying….
Your hubby is making an issue because the vows actually meant something to him, I’m just guessing though!
Don’t mean to sound snide, but are you kidding?
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life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance..
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tlv
New
Reged: 05/23/08
Posts: 9
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If they meant so much to him then why did he not go the marriage counseling the three times I begged him to go with me. When I told him that I felf like there was a problem with our marriage why did he ignore it and say nothing is wrong.
Edited by tlv (05/30/08 03:28 PM)
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aspect
Platinum
Reged: 01/08/08
Posts: 635
Loc: Texas
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Why didn't you file for divorce before cheating on him?
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tlv
New
Reged: 05/23/08
Posts: 9
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I thought it about it many times before but didn't think I could make it on my own. I know different now. I know that I should have filed before but sometimes things just don't happen in the right order.
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startinover06
Gold
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 121
Loc: Michigan
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As one who was cheated on... what is done is done...you cheated and that is that. But, have a heart. None of us are perfect.. but you do need to give him some compassion now.
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"Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart."
Cat
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norcal
Platinum
Reged: 08/24/06
Posts: 992
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I don’t have the answers, but I’m guessing you may. Sounds like your marriage was in crisis and you choose the route of turning to someone else, which right or wrong, is hurtful to the other half of a committed relationship.
I’m not judging you, but would like to point out that a little bit of empathy and compassion go along way, especially when your choices are hurtful to others.
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life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance..
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Solorider
Platinum
Reged: 02/23/07
Posts: 707
Loc: At the bottom of the bucket.
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Quote:
As one who was cheated on... what is done is done...you cheated and that is that. But, have a heart. None of us are perfect.. but you do need to give him some compassion now.
Perhaps...but we are only hearing one side of the story here. He might be a complete arse...verbally abusive, whatever. Most people cheat because the aren't getting the emotional and physical needs met. While we can look at those that cheat as terrible people, unless you know what the other person is like I prefer to not make any judgements calls.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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if the new guy is right for you, he'll still be right for you when the divorce proceedings are over. Lots of people do date before the proceedings are over, but most don't even contemplate trying to meet or date till after the separation.
Turning your husband into a cuckold is not a way to get him in the mind of negotiating anything amicably. Your lawyer is thinking of the process of getting this over with, without turning the expense of it into something bigger than your combined assets would justify. The less amicable it is (because your husband is motivated to be less amicable because of the constant reminders of your cheating), the more expensive and painful and LONG LASTING the divorce will be.
If you want ti over with as simply and cheaply and quickly and happily as possible, then follow your lawyer's advice, and trust that your new relationship is strong enough to survive a few months of separation. If you can't trust it that far, then it's not much of a relationship... certainly not one worth breaking up a marriage over!
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Armor
Platinum
Reged: 10/27/06
Posts: 438
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I'll second what gigi said...if you continue seeing this guy all it will do is upset your husband and make it that much more likely that he'll go on the fight...also, if your state isn't a no-fault state, he'll have the edge in court (which he already does if your state isn't no-fault and he can prove your infidelity).
On your other question, the majority of us here didn't date until after our divorces were final. I know I didn't...
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1828
Loc: Not sure!!!
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Alabama is a fault state. Be careful.
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I'm a living sunset... there's light in my bones. You can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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derkacz78
Gold
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 190
Loc: MIchigan
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TLV:
I need to ask, why did you ask your husband to go marriage counseling with you? Can you provide a few more details on why you have moved on and fell in love right away with another guy?
What you have done is exactly what my soon to be ex-wife did to me. However, she did not give me the chance to go to marriage counseling with her. I just came home one day and she said she wanted to leave. Three days later, she was in love with another guy. I just want to know how does it feel for you??
I was not an abusive husband, I was just busy with my job and hobbies.
I guess, do you have any love left for your husband?
Thanks
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Kingssman
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 131
Loc: Peoria Illinois
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I second derkacz request.
My ex didn't want to do counseling. She said she tried to fix it on her end but I didn't respond. (i didn't even know she tried to fix anything)
Now she met a new guy and has found true happiness and she's jumping right into his arms with every fiber of her being.
Oh well, if she ends up living her fairy tale, so be it. She gave me up to be with someone else. I can't change that. She doubted me, was unhappy with me, I can't change that. I have to accept that she wasn't the woman for me considering how failed our marriage was.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Quote:
I second derkacz request.
My ex didn't want to do counseling. She said she tried to fix it on her end but I didn't respond. (i didn't even know she tried to fix anything)
Now she met a new guy and has found true happiness and she's jumping right into his arms with every fiber of her being.
Oh well, if she ends up living her fairy tale, so be it. She gave me up to be with someone else. I can't change that. She doubted me, was unhappy with me, I can't change that. I have to accept that she wasn't the woman for me considering how failed our marriage was.
Plus three. Said she would go to at least one session. After I started going, she decided she didn't need counseling, that she was fine the way she is. One week after I moved out, she's with Jason. Those two can rot in hell together.
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Damn it's good to laugh again.
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 911
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[quote
Plus three. Said she would go to at least one session. After I started going, she decided she didn't need counseling, that she was fine the way she is. One week after I moved out, she's with Jason. Those two can rot in hell together.
Do you think she was seeing Jason during your marriage? Or it just happened and she quit the counseling? Mine denied cheating but I saw all the signs.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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Alabama is a state that takes fault(such as cheating) into consideration when it comes time to divide up the assets and debt.
No, I did not date while I was still married (and being in the process of divorce is still married).
Your stbx is making a big deal because, well, you cheated. And by cheating on him, you put his life at risk. Ever heard of HIV/AIDS? Not to mention STDs.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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Quote:
I thought it about it many times before but didn't think I could make it on my own. I know different now. I know that I should have filed before but sometimes things just don't happen in the right order.
Cheating is a choice. It doesn't just happen.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Quote:
[quote
Plus three. Said she would go to at least one session. After I started going, she decided she didn't need counseling, that she was fine the way she is. One week after I moved out, she's with Jason. Those two can rot in hell together.
Do you think she was seeing Jason during your marriage? Or it just happened and she quit the counseling? Mine denied cheating but I saw all the signs.
She never went to counseling. Said she would go with me but didn't. She says she met him about a week before we separated and that he had asked for her number but she didn't give it too him until a couple of weeks later. I think bull crap. I think she had met him before we were separated. No, I don't think she did anything physically, but I think she had been talking too him, etc.
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Damn it's good to laugh again.
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tookway2much
Platinum
Reged: 03/31/08
Posts: 627
Loc: Going toward the light!
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Most of us on this forum are grieving from losing a spouse, one way or another. Not because we screwed around with someone on our spouse, and now in love. So it's hard to answer that question. But as long as your in love with the other person, all the pain you caused is erased. "NOT"
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I don't worry about the people in my past. There is a reason they are not in my future.
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theanswerguy
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2267
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I'd love to know how " survivable " a relationship like this could be . How could the other person fully trust their partner knowing they hadn't bothered to end their prior relationship before starting another . Seems like a recipe for future disaster to me .
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Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. Isaac Asimov
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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cheaters are NOT in my happy book.
but at least you were honest in this thread.
that having been said....
what you do is what you do,
BUT
IF you have kids keep them away from the bf/om for this entire process.
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taryn.
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ssrachel
Platinum
Reged: 05/23/07
Posts: 2070
Loc: a better place :)
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Quote:
I am in the process of getting a divorce. Just a little back ground, I did cheat on my husband, but I an totally in love with this other person. My lawyer told me that I can not see him until after my divorce is final. I have read almost every post on here and it seems like everyone is dating other people before their divorce is final. I just wanted to know how many of you dated someone before their divorce was over and why is it that my stbx seems like the only one that wants to make that an issue. I live in Alabama and not sure if it is a no fault state or not and does it matter?
are you for real? you're not just talking about going to dinner with someone you just met after you and your husband split up. you CHEATED. you are way beyond "dating". give me a break.
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What you reap is what you sow and so it goes...
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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Quote:
Quote:
t matter?
are you for real? you're not just talking about going to dinner with someone you just met after you and your husband split up. you CHEATED. you are way beyond "dating". give me a break.
thats pretty much what i was thinking,
but i figured at this point this chick really doesnt CARE about the wrongness of her choices.
so i figured it's best to focus on the kids.
(but here here to KAT!)
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taryn.
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derkacz78
Gold
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 190
Loc: MIchigan
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Quote "She says she met him about a week before we separated and that he had asked for her number but she didn't give it too him until a couple of weeks later. I think bull crap. I think she had met him before we were separated. No, I don't think she did anything physically, but I think she had been talking too him, etc." END QUOTE.
Mark,
Wow, That is word for word what my STBX told me. She called her new man while we were still together. She spoke with him several times for hours at a time. Then she left me and started screwing him. She never spent a second alone.
WOW, that is so scary how word for word that is.
QUOTE " I'd love to know how " survivable " a relationship like this could be . How could the other person fully trust their partner knowing they hadn't bothered to end their prior relationship before starting another . Seems like a recipe for future disaster to me ." END QUOTE.
theanswerguy,
I agree with this statment. I think my STBX told her new man that she was divorced and had left me along time ago. The funny part about my STBX's new relationship is that her new man, well, he is divorced as well, the best part, is that he left his wife because she was cheating on him. What makes him any better than his ex-wife now?? Look what he did to my STBX? My STBX may have not been happy, but I could have fixed it. She was complaining to him about us, and he just started working his magic. What an ass. Why would anyone fu*k their patient....
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
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My stbx's boyfriend is separated as well. He's only been separated since January. Rebound for both of them. What do you think the chances are of that relationship lasting? Plus, they both involved the children in their little relationship. They are both a couple of selfish assholes.
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Damn it's good to laugh again.
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derkacz78
Gold
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 190
Loc: MIchigan
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Mark,
I am not sure how long their relationship would last. If I look at myself, my relationship and marriage with my STBX was a rebound as well. I left a relationship and my STBX left a relationship and we hopped into bed with each other and she moved in my place in less than two weeks. We lasted four years, but we didn't last forever.
If your STBX has always had a track record of jumping relationships, then she will never have a successful marriage again. She will always run to the next best thing if it comes along. That is what my STBX told me. She, and I quote, said "I have always left my boyfriends for the next best thing." end quote. What a little slut.
My STBX may end up having a family with this guy. She may end up getting married to her new guy. But there is one thing that I do know. She will never be happy again untill she learns about herself. She needs time alone to figure herself out and what she wants. She is making to many changes to herself that aren't her style to fill the void of what happened to us. She must of really been hurt.
So the chances, again, it could be four years, or six months. I hope for the sooner than the later.
Dave
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
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yeah, I was a rebound guy as well for my stbx. Heck, I was more than a rebound guy. I think I was the cheat. She was living with the guy. The day he moved out I was already spending the night. Truth is, we flirted with each other while she was involved with that guy. I had even joked to her parents before we were even dating that I was going to marry her one day. Guess the joke was on me. Should have told them I was going to be divorced from her one day.
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Damn it's good to laugh again.
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1828
Loc: Not sure!!!
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Well my STBX and his lady love were both married when
starting their romance. I am his 4th marriage and his
lady love is on her 3rd. I really do hope that he has
found his lifelong partner because at least another
family will not be wrecked. I don't want anyone to go
through what I have been through. So when they get
married 60 days after our divorce is final they will
be on marriage #9 between the both of them.
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I'm a living sunset... there's light in my bones. You can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2210
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I hope there are no kids in this equation. My feeling is anyone that would cheat on their spouse, should not be a primary parent, as they have shown by example they will continue to put their own needs above their children. The only exception I see to this, is when a divorce takes more than a couple years.
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1828
Loc: Not sure!!!
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My STBX's lady love has four kids that live with their
fathers. I have primary custody of my son from marriage
#1 (I am bellying up on marriage #2). My STBX used to
say to me all the time that he was #1, the dogs
were #2 and I was #3. I always thought he was joking but
I guess the joke was on me. My STBX has always married
women with children. That is the main reason why I
hope that his lady love is his everlasting love, I would
hate for more kids to go through the destruction that
he has caused in so many lives.
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I'm a living sunset... there's light in my bones. You can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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IF this is not a spoof or whatever it's called when someone makes up a thread,
i dont think this person will be heard from again.
as for 'cheating' relationships lasting...i know a LOT of them that stay together for a long time and even get married.
yeah THAT'S fair and just....UH@ NOT!
just saying...
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taryn.
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Armor
Platinum
Reged: 10/27/06
Posts: 438
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Quote:
as for 'cheating' relationships lasting...i know a LOT of them that stay together for a long time and even get married.
yeah THAT'S fair and just....UH@ NOT!
just saying...
I think in those situations there is actually some poetic justice there...first, they both KNOW they are with somebody who will cheat, so there will be some distrust of eachother right from the start, and they are both stuck with somebody who has some moral/ethical/personality faults...really I think in the long run, the person who didn't cheat comes out ahead and gets the best deal out of the whole mess every time. He/she is no longer with a cheater, and is free to find somebody who is trustworthy...just my take on it...
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derkacz78
Gold
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 190
Loc: MIchigan
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Re: How many of you?
[Re: Armor]
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