Divorce Support Forums: Hi, I'm new here............

Hi,
Ah, where to begin. Married 15 yrs. Started dating very young and for a long time (13 yrs before we married). How do I sum this relationship up in one page? Troubled, I guess would be a start.

We have two kids, 17 and 6. I would characterize the marriage now as lonely for both of us. Many, many times the subject of divorce has come up. We usually have a heart to heart and then decide to stay together. I believe we are both afraid of change and the familiar is just more comfortable than the unknown. I've suggested a trial separation in the past to get a sense of what it's like w/o the other. He never goes for it.

We are about to embark on counseling. I'm glad for that because we do not fight fair. At least he does not. I have learned how to stay on topic and not call names and get heated, etc. He is a very poor communicator. Hopefully counseling will help this.

Honestly after years and years of the same old, same old ways and dynamics, I am just exhausted. It is a constant power struggle.

We do not spend much time together. A big part of that is me. I've become reclusive since I've become very overweight. One thing that is very weird about this relationship is that I've never felt very comfortable w/him in social situations. Can't really describe it.

Bottom line is I think we are all wrong for each other and there has been a lot of pain in this relationship. I have a lot of resentment built up. Also, my weight fluctuations coincide w/breakups - makeups. When I lose weight and start to regain confidence and self esteem, I have tried to initiate breakups. He automatically thinks that it's because men start to become interested in me (his immature way of thinking). I try to tell him that I have felt for a very long time that this relationship is not a healthy one for me and that when I regain some sense of self from the confidence that looking good brings, I feel empowered to make positive changes for myself and see this marriage as something that brings me down and has me stuffing my feelings and trying to fill my voids (not all from marriage) with food.

There is a protection factor built in w/the weight. that';s all complicated and i'm also again in counseling indiv to help w/that.

I'm not sure that counseling will keep the marriage together at this point, i don't know if i want it to. when I come on these boards, however, it is so depressing hearing what people are going through. It makes this lonely marriage look good.

I don't want to put my family through hell, but at the same time I want to enjoy life and not feel so lonely and empty. I have read so many insightful posts on here that I'm interested in hearing from you all.

thanks,
cin