thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
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I know I do not have any right to be...but I am angry. Angry that we have had to go through this. Angry that my husband has to be hurt. Just angry.
Maybe the issue will come up again...maybe not...now that we have spoken to our attorney we are better prepared. Maybe that is the one good thing to come out of this.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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odd that a child would want
an INVOLVED and ACTIVE Father (or mom for that matter) to suddenly 'step down'....
now MY kids...hummm...their dad doesnt even know the last day of school was yesterday, didnt call them, or ask them about grades or anything.
he doesnt go to school events, take them on vacation, or put them first.
they STILL wouldnt want him to step down.
your husband, broken hearted as he is, surely must do these things....
so.....
WHAT is this all about,
im thinking while there may be all kinds of
'sniffing, crying and 'woe is me' "
that there is a HELL of a lot more to this story.
but,
what do i know...im just a mom watching kids deal with
a [censored] deadbeat father who whines and cries about how much he Loves his kids but doesnt do a damn thing to prove it.
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taryn.
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theanswerguy
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2267
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Update: Step-son called my husband last night. A very difficult call to say the least. He does want to be adopted by his step-dad.
>>>>>>>>>>>> He can consent to an adult adopton at 18 , until then tell him the answer is no .
He told my husband that he loves him, and that he wants to stay in contact. But, he never gave my husband a valid reason as to why he wants to be adopted by step-dad. My husband explained what it would mean if he signed the papers. Step-son said this would make him happy.
>>>>>>>>>> Sounds like it's more his mother and step-father's idea .
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Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. Isaac Asimov
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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one more thing.
regardless of the day to day or week to week relationship between the child and parent,
i feel the child is looking to see IF the parent will
sign rights away...and DEEP down...that child is hoping the parent will not. REGARDLESS of if the parent shows involvement or not.
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taryn.
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thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
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"Ouch" There is a long story..I mean they have been divorced for nearly 13 years. Every year it seems there comes some major crisis with the ex. I have been reading about toxic parents and I believe she is one of those.
Let me give a quick example: Visitation time is coming up..step-son is excited...then gets here and is upset because his mother is on vacation in an exotic location. Pales to what he is doing with Dad. Like this year they are going to Greece.
Do I think that she wants her son to be adopted yes. Do I think she is trying to convince him that it is a good thing to do...yes
My husband can talk to her until he is blue in the face. But, she is going to do what she wants to. She is the CP and she has (in my honest opinion) more influence over him.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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While she may have more influence over her son, the adoption isn't going to happen unless your husband agrees to it. The courts simply won't allow her to terminate an involved father's rights.
And his ex is delusional if she thinks that she will still get child support if the adoption goes through.
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thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
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Also, this is the first time the adoption issues has ever been brought up. But, my husband thinks it has been brewing since they found out (after much trying, treatments etc) they cannot have children. Maybe step-dad wants a namesake. Who knows. I am just angry that we have to go through this drama.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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If you are angry, imagine what the boy is going through. Can you imagine the internal drama and conflict he had to overcome to actually voice that he want(ed) to be adopted? I may not be about money at all.... it may be about involvement and connection. Since the boy sees the stepdad day in and day out, he is going to be closer to the stepdad. Same goes for kids who are "raised" by stepmothers. The boy may want the step father's name b/c he is tired of explaining his whole family senario to everybody. The boy is coming into his own as a man.... he may be modeling his live after the man present in his life and doesn't feel connected to his biofather. I am not critisizing the involvement level of his father, distance can create stress in a realtionship. Yes, father and son communicate often and father connunicates with teachers.... but when son comes home in a funk,,,, it is not dad there to say what is the deal..... when son comes in with an accomplishment, it is not dad who sees him jumping up and down showing the award.... When son is acting like a snot, it is not dad who says "junior... mind your manners". All of these little things are what makes a dad... this could be the logic the boy was using to organize his emotions enough to realize that he misses having his father in his life. The boys logic may be... since step dad does all the dad job and biodad is just a name on the computer, why can't step dad be the "dad". Money doesn't even enter the equation. I am not advocating allowing the adoption, I am just trying to give you the prespective this boy may be having.
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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What an interesting story - I'm sorry for the pain it is causing your husband, but I would encourage him to hold fast to his parental rights. Some things in this world should remain inalienable!
Here is a different perspective - My husband's parents divorced when he was less than 1 year old. His mother remarried within a year, and his step-dad raised him. This was before the days of enforced child support - so his bio dad never paid a cent. He said he could count on one hand the number of times he saw his bio dad before he turned 18. To this day, they have a cordial relationship, but I would never call it "close." BUT, my DH's parental grandfather DID take an interest in him at an early age. Grampa made sure he saw my husband at least once a year, and there was always a Christmas and a Birthday card with at least $5 in it.
When my husband was in roughly middle school, they moved, and his mom registered him at his new school as "Joe Smith" (stepdad is "Smith") rather than "Joe Black," his birth name. He was told his step-dad had officially adopted him. Even more odd, years later we found out his mother had the father's name changed on his birth certificate, to be his stepdad's. How weird is that?
A few weeks after turning 18, my husband legally changed his name back to "Black." To this day, his mother refuses to acknoweldge. She regularly misspells our last name when sending Christmas cards, etc... She will make odd comments like - my son (her grandson) got his grampa's smll but and reddish hair. It's just weird, because they are not bio-related. (Based on eye color, it is a genetic impossibility that my husband is his stepdad's bio child).
My point to all this - for whatever reason, it was extremely important to my mother in-law to erase all evidence of her life prior to marrying husband #2. The adoption was part of this - my husband as a child just got (unfairly) caught up in it. For some kids it's instinctive, but for others it is learned/ realized later in life that blood is thicker than water.
Another suggestion - try to talk to your son about his geneology. If you have distant ancestors that did cool things or had wonderful achivements or pioneering spirits, try to make him see how that is a part of him, too, that he can be proud of (that's what ultimately worked for my husband and made him want to stay a "Black", even though his dad was a dead beat in every sense of the word! He had some really interesting ancestors.)
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thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
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I agree with you. But, I also feel mom helped create some of the distance.
My husband is there now. When he called me a little while ago he said his son was very confused. However, my husband explained that he did not want to allow the adoption. Yet, if at 18 that is what step-son wanted, he could not stop him.
Step-son said, (like you did), that while it was his mother that moved away (and yes husband gave consent-felt he did not have much choice-another long story), he still felt more connected to step-dad. He did say he was glad my husband and he were able to see each other, talk on the phone, and email. But, that it was a very different relationship than what he had with step-dad.
Only time will tell if father and son will grow closer or further apart.
On the other hand, ex is quite miffed husband flew out there to discuss this.
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