[quote] On the other hand, ex is quite miffed husband flew out there to discuss this. [/quote]
too bad for the EX! your son's feelings regarding his dad are very fragile and he NEEDS his dad to be there in person telling his son "i love you, and im not giving you up."
I had one more thought on this. It sounds like the son is being put in a difficult position to choose between father and step father. That's not right. Father should tell son that that is not son's decision to make. The only way this adoption could happen is if the father actively consented to it. He should make it clear to everyone that he won't do that. Back off on the drama and carry on with a parenting arrangement that has been working quite acceptably for many years.
Leave it to KGrow to have the incredibly sensible solution! Golightly is my hero in many areas, and this is no exception. Kids can be bought, and confused easily. And at a time in thier lives when they are trying VERY hard to ditch all the adult supervision and get as much as they can get out of life, without understanding the dangers and responsibilities and lifeline-bending ramifications of the decisions they're making... it's so unfair for either parent to do things that would result in the kid's options closing rather than opening. Losing a parent rather than gaining one... for example... There is no REASON the step-father has to adopt the kid, other than ego and power struggle. Neither of which reason has anything to do with the well-being of the kid!
Remember to make a connection between the child and his heritage, the DNA that's running in his blood. Remind him that his uncle loves cars (when the kid says he loves cars) and his grandpa X hates mayonnaise (when the kid turns his nose up at it).
Spend the very little time you have with him making memories, maybe not dancing on a boat off the greek isles, but how about hiking or having a neighborhood barbecue or bringing the old fashioned crank ice cream maker to the church ice cream social and getting all the strong male arms in the gang to take a turn at it (including his). Don't try to compete with the stepfather on the stepfather's terms, but rather make time with Dad a vacation time of it's own with amazing memories of talks and home and connections to each other.
And two of the best things our "reunification counselor" did for my husband and his kids was to... (a), convince the kids that they did NOT have to choose between parents, tht it was perfectly ok to love and enjoy time with ALL parents... and (b), convince my hsuband that since he no longer had 10 waking hours a day with the kids every day, that he had to give up on the parts of parenting involving being strict, disciplining, chore giving, teaching, tutoring, etc. He had to spend the very few hours he had each week to have fun with the kids, to let them know that he thinks of them often and totally focus on them at their level.
It's demoralizing to see a woman who would work on her kids' minds like this, isn't it?
I really like KGrow's advice. Simply say "no" and make it clear that it's not going to happen.
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