thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
Last evening my husband's ex wife called. She said that their son asked if he could be adopted by his step-dad. In fact, according to her, he has been asking for seven years now. Wow. My husband's heart sank. He said he wanted to talk to his son. Their son was not home.
This morning my husband received an email from his son. It basically said how he never felt like his son (another dagger to my dh's heart), and he really wanted to be a (step-father's last name) than a (our last name).
Then her attorney called my husband at work. He said they were in the process of filing the appropriate paperwork and asked if my husband would be consenting to the adoption. My husband said he just found out and would like to talk with our attorney and his son before moving forward. (not that my husband is even considering terminating his rights).
The ex sends my husband an email saying she hopes he will comply with their son's wishes. Furthermore, he won't be totally removed from son's life as we are still required to pay child support (what a mean-spirited thing to say).
The drama goes on:(!
|
germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1281
|
|
I thought if the step-dad adopts the son, you are released from CS. If the father relinquishes his parental rights, the right of CS to the bio mom also goes away. You can't have your cake and eat it too!
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
I do not know. My husband has a call into the attorney. She also said his last name would not change in the process unless my husband agreed to that is well. I mean we live a great distance from him but contact has always been there. He has never mentioned it to my husband. Not sure why now he, her, they, want to just take my husband out of the equation.
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
The other thing I want to add is my husband is a terrific father. He has done everything he can to keep the visitation going, calls, emails etc. But, I feel the mom and step-dad have had much influence over him. Step-Dad has no bio children and they cannot have any (never heard why).
I could understand this if my husband just shut himself out of his son's life. If he did not pay child support. If he just did not care.
Right now all I can do is support and love my husband. He is hurting.
|
mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
|
|
Ouch. That would kill me. I don't believe he'd be responsible for CS if he were adopted, but I'm sure at this point that's the last thing on his mind.
--------------------
Damn it's good to laugh again.
|
hispoohbear
Bronze
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 47
|
|
I have a friend going through something like this. His lawyer told him that he will be released from child support, but that since he has had a lot of contact with the kids the court won't make him stop seeing them. Too disruptive to the kids for him to be jerked away. He has not gone to court yet, so nothing is for sure.
How old is his son? I find it a little suspect that the boy has not spoken this to dad directly. My SD is the kind of kid who will tell each parent what she thinks they want to hear, even if it is not necessarily true. SHe is desparate to please everyone. This may be the case here. Also, if his son thinks he is old enough to make this kind of decision, he needs to be old enough to sit down and have a face to face conversation with his dad. That way he can see the pain his decision is causing. He needs to know how his actions affect others. THis conversation needs to be alone, with out mom present. This may be the only way your husband can feel like he gains the truth of the matter.
You are doing the right thing. Just keep supporting your husband the best you can.
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
He is 14. My husband and his ex separated when he was only 16 months old. So he doesn't remember living with Dad only with step-dad (who has been married to his mom since he was 2.5 years old).
I have wondered if she sent the email just to "push" my husband along their line of thinking.
My husband is going to make the long flight to see him this weekend to have a heart to heart. The ex is upset dh is doing this.
Truth be told I have never witnessed my husband and step-son having more than superficial conversations. Granted, they have one on visits as well. So, maybe my step-son felt he could not bring the subject up.
|
Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
|
|
Chances are that your stepson didn't say he wanted to be adopted by his stepdad. Or they would have had him talk to your husband.
Your husband does not have to sign any adoption papers. Unless his ex can prove him unfit, she's not going to be able to terminate his parental rights.
As for the child support, if the stepfather adopts your stepson, then there isn't any. By adopting his stepson, the stepfather takes on the financial obligation. If your husband decides to let the stepfather adopt his son, then he should make it clear that there will be no child support.
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
That is what my husband and I think as well. I mean they talked last Wednesday and the child never mentioned it.
But, what would be the motive for trying to terminate my husband's parental rights? I just do not understand.
She always complains that the amount of child support that is sent is not enough to raise him properly.
Anyhow, she says if my husband contest she will continue to drag him in and out of court until he agrees.
|
Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
|
|
[quote]That is what my husband and I think as well. I mean they talked last Wednesday and the child never mentioned it.
But, what would be the motive for trying to terminate my husband's parental rights? I just do not understand.
She always complains that the amount of child support that is sent is not enough to raise him properly.
Anyhow, she says if my husband contest she will continue to drag him in and out of court until he agrees. [/quote]
All he has to do is tell his ex that if her husband adopts his son, then she isn't getting child support from him anymore as legally, he will no longer be responsible for financially supporting a child who is no longer his son.
If she keeps dragging him in and out of court, he can ask that she pays his legal fees for doing so. If her actions are viewed as frivolous, he just may get that request.
|
KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
|
|
Her's are empty threats. Parental rights are sacrosanct. All he has to do to prevent adoption is withhold his signature. There is no court battle to be fought on this. The answer is a simple "No."
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
DH spoke with the attorney. You are correct. My husband is under no obligation to sign the papers.
Update: Step-son called my husband last night. A very difficult call to say the least. He does want to be adopted by his step-dad. He told my husband that he loves him, and that he wants to stay in contact. But, he never gave my husband a valid reason as to why he wants to be adopted by step-dad. My husband explained what it would mean if he signed the papers. Step-son said this would make him happy.
I guess this has been "brewing" for sometime now. I mean, my husband only sees six weeks every year. They talk just about every week, email and such. But, the bond he has developed with his step-dad, who is there day in and day out, is different than the bond he has with my husband.
Step-dad seems to take his step-parent role very seriously. step-dad is 58 years old and makes around $450k a year. Our household income is less than that. So, I wonder if he is attracted to the money and the material things his step-dad can give him vs. the material things my husband can give him.
Life is hard!
|
Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2210
|
|
I wouldn't give my children up for any amount of money. Six weeks a years, but constant contact from a distance, is a significant parent. Do not relinquish your rights. Explain to the child that you understand what they want, but you love them far too much to ever walk away from them, and you can't legally give them up. If I got the same offer you did, it would probably motivate me to move closer to them, and dedicate more time to parenting.
|
MommyButterfly
Bronze
Reged: 02/22/08
Posts: 33
|
|
I can tell you from a child whose step-dad did adopt her, that contact with your husband is still viable. I did spend summers (when older and money was available) with my dad (bio-dad) and he even came to visit sometimes and stayed in a camper in the yard. I feel extremely lucky to been blessed with not only one loving father but 2. I love my Dad (step-dad) and have a close relationship with him.
But once the adoption papers were signed, child support ended. It might come down to having the son talk with the judge-I know that my brothers had too, because the judge wanted to make sure that they knew what was happening and the oldest was about your step-son's age.
I hope this gives a little information from that child point of view.
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
Thanks mommybutterfly. My husband wants him to be happy. Step-son called again this am asking my husband not to contest it. My husband even said I do not feel right about doing this. You are my son and I love you (and he added that if step-son did not want to come this summer he would understand).
My husband cannot move at this time. But, he is very involved despite the ex trying to push him out. He flew to his middle school graduation last year. He has gone to where they live to catch sports events, he talks with his son's teachers and more. He is involved. As I said before, since step-son was 2.5 years old he has lived with his step-dad. She portrays my husband as the playmate or the babysitter. We've learned over the years that we are responsible for our own words and behaviors and we not control others. Despite years of going to court, talking to her, etc, she is the way she is. We are below her and why in the world would she want her son around that. Okay so we are middle class. Whats wrong with that? Nothing, but sadly, in step-son's eyes everything.
|
jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1629
|
|
As I read all of this, I am thinking that this woman wants to give her son his last name, but wants you to be the biological dad that pays.
Do you have a mediation agreement in the divorce agreement? Can you insist on mediation between all three parties?
|
germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1281
|
|
Please don't assume that "just because you're middle class" is why he wants this adoption. There could be a number of reasons besides that.
Does their family have more kids and maybe he wants to feel "equal" to them in his step-dad's eyes. Maybe SS doesn't like calling his step-dad "my step-dad" to his friends and wants to call him "my dad". Kids view things quite differently than adults. Maybe your husband could tell his son that he doesn't mind him calling his step-dad "dad" if it would make him feel better. A signed legal document isn't necessary for that.
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
My husband and I have four children together. This is my first marriage. It was also the first marriage for my husband's ex's husband. So, they do not have kids. He constantly tells my husband he hates to be around the "babies." So, my husband arrange things for him and step-son to do without any tag-a-longs.
A few years ago he did ask my husband if he could call his step-dad, Dad instead of by his first name. My husband did not have a problem with it (and then he started calling my husband by his first name-hubby put a stop to that).
Step-son is very critical of what we do not have (an in ground swimming pool, housekeeper etc). I understand to a child material things matter, but, I would hope he sees just how much his dad loves him.
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
Just an update: Stepson called my husband at lunch and asked him to forget the whole thing. But, if he did not have to come for a visit summer would that be okay.
He did say that he loves his step-dad and feels like he connects more with him.
My husband fears though this is not a dead issue.
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
"Sigh" I just wanted to thanks all those who responded. The ex emailed my dh that all step-son has talked about his step-dad adopting him but now changes his mind. As she put it...go figure he is a teenager.
Needless to say my husband is still going to see him over the weekend. He thinks they need a face to face.
Thanks again...
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
I know I do not have any right to be...but I am angry. Angry that we have had to go through this. Angry that my husband has to be hurt. Just angry.
Maybe the issue will come up again...maybe not...now that we have spoken to our attorney we are better prepared. Maybe that is the one good thing to come out of this.
|
taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
|
|
odd that a child would want
an INVOLVED and ACTIVE Father (or mom for that matter) to suddenly 'step down'....
now MY kids...hummm...their dad doesnt even know the last day of school was yesterday, didnt call them, or ask them about grades or anything.
he doesnt go to school events, take them on vacation, or put them first.
they STILL wouldnt want him to step down.
your husband, broken hearted as he is, surely must do these things....
so.....
WHAT is this all about,
im thinking while there may be all kinds of
'sniffing, crying and 'woe is me' "
that there is a HELL of a lot more to this story.
but,
what do i know...im just a mom watching kids deal with
a [censored] deadbeat father who whines and cries about how much he Loves his kids but doesnt do a damn thing to prove it.
--------------------
taryn.
|
theanswerguy
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2267
|
|
Update: Step-son called my husband last night. A very difficult call to say the least. He does want to be adopted by his step-dad.
>>>>>>>>>>>> He can consent to an adult adopton at 18 , until then tell him the answer is no .
He told my husband that he loves him, and that he wants to stay in contact. But, he never gave my husband a valid reason as to why he wants to be adopted by step-dad. My husband explained what it would mean if he signed the papers. Step-son said this would make him happy.
>>>>>>>>>> Sounds like it's more his mother and step-father's idea .
--------------------
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. Isaac Asimov
|
taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
|
|
one more thing.
regardless of the day to day or week to week relationship between the child and parent,
i feel the child is looking to see IF the parent will
sign rights away...and DEEP down...that child is hoping the parent will not. REGARDLESS of if the parent shows involvement or not.
--------------------
taryn.
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
"Ouch" There is a long story..I mean they have been divorced for nearly 13 years. Every year it seems there comes some major crisis with the ex. I have been reading about toxic parents and I believe she is one of those.
Let me give a quick example: Visitation time is coming up..step-son is excited...then gets here and is upset because his mother is on vacation in an exotic location. Pales to what he is doing with Dad. Like this year they are going to Greece.
Do I think that she wants her son to be adopted yes. Do I think she is trying to convince him that it is a good thing to do...yes
My husband can talk to her until he is blue in the face. But, she is going to do what she wants to. She is the CP and she has (in my honest opinion) more influence over him.
|
Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
|
|
While she may have more influence over her son, the adoption isn't going to happen unless your husband agrees to it. The courts simply won't allow her to terminate an involved father's rights.
And his ex is delusional if she thinks that she will still get child support if the adoption goes through.
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
Also, this is the first time the adoption issues has ever been brought up. But, my husband thinks it has been brewing since they found out (after much trying, treatments etc) they cannot have children. Maybe step-dad wants a namesake. Who knows. I am just angry that we have to go through this drama.
|
ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
|
|
If you are angry, imagine what the boy is going through. Can you imagine the internal drama and conflict he had to overcome to actually voice that he want(ed) to be adopted? I may not be about money at all.... it may be about involvement and connection. Since the boy sees the stepdad day in and day out, he is going to be closer to the stepdad. Same goes for kids who are "raised" by stepmothers. The boy may want the step father's name b/c he is tired of explaining his whole family senario to everybody. The boy is coming into his own as a man.... he may be modeling his live after the man present in his life and doesn't feel connected to his biofather. I am not critisizing the involvement level of his father, distance can create stress in a realtionship. Yes, father and son communicate often and father connunicates with teachers.... but when son comes home in a funk,,,, it is not dad there to say what is the deal..... when son comes in with an accomplishment, it is not dad who sees him jumping up and down showing the award.... When son is acting like a snot, it is not dad who says "junior... mind your manners". All of these little things are what makes a dad... this could be the logic the boy was using to organize his emotions enough to realize that he misses having his father in his life. The boys logic may be... since step dad does all the dad job and biodad is just a name on the computer, why can't step dad be the "dad". Money doesn't even enter the equation. I am not advocating allowing the adoption, I am just trying to give you the prespective this boy may be having.
|
golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
|
|
What an interesting story - I'm sorry for the pain it is causing your husband, but I would encourage him to hold fast to his parental rights. Some things in this world should remain inalienable!
Here is a different perspective - My husband's parents divorced when he was less than 1 year old. His mother remarried within a year, and his step-dad raised him. This was before the days of enforced child support - so his bio dad never paid a cent. He said he could count on one hand the number of times he saw his bio dad before he turned 18. To this day, they have a cordial relationship, but I would never call it "close." BUT, my DH's parental grandfather DID take an interest in him at an early age. Grampa made sure he saw my husband at least once a year, and there was always a Christmas and a Birthday card with at least $5 in it.
When my husband was in roughly middle school, they moved, and his mom registered him at his new school as "Joe Smith" (stepdad is "Smith") rather than "Joe Black," his birth name. He was told his step-dad had officially adopted him. Even more odd, years later we found out his mother had the father's name changed on his birth certificate, to be his stepdad's. How weird is that?
A few weeks after turning 18, my husband legally changed his name back to "Black." To this day, his mother refuses to acknoweldge. She regularly misspells our last name when sending Christmas cards, etc... She will make odd comments like - my son (her grandson) got his grampa's smll but and reddish hair. It's just weird, because they are not bio-related. (Based on eye color, it is a genetic impossibility that my husband is his stepdad's bio child).
My point to all this - for whatever reason, it was extremely important to my mother in-law to erase all evidence of her life prior to marrying husband #2. The adoption was part of this - my husband as a child just got (unfairly) caught up in it. For some kids it's instinctive, but for others it is learned/ realized later in life that blood is thicker than water.
Another suggestion - try to talk to your son about his geneology. If you have distant ancestors that did cool things or had wonderful achivements or pioneering spirits, try to make him see how that is a part of him, too, that he can be proud of (that's what ultimately worked for my husband and made him want to stay a "Black", even though his dad was a dead beat in every sense of the word! He had some really interesting ancestors.)
|
thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
|
|
I agree with you. But, I also feel mom helped create some of the distance.
My husband is there now. When he called me a little while ago he said his son was very confused. However, my husband explained that he did not want to allow the adoption. Yet, if at 18 that is what step-son wanted, he could not stop him.
Step-son said, (like you did), that while it was his mother that moved away (and yes husband gave consent-felt he did not have much choice-another long story), he still felt more connected to step-dad. He did say he was glad my husband and he were able to see each other, talk on the phone, and email. But, that it was a very different relationship than what he had with step-dad.
Only time will tell if father and son will grow closer or further apart.
On the other hand, ex is quite miffed husband flew out there to discuss this.
|
taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
|
|
[quote]
On the other hand, ex is quite miffed husband flew out there to discuss this. [/quote]
too bad for the EX!
your son's feelings regarding his dad are very fragile and he NEEDS his dad to be there in person telling his son "i love you, and im not giving you up."
this is a GOOD thing for his son.
--------------------
taryn.
|
KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
|
|
I had one more thought on this. It sounds like the son is being put in a difficult position to choose between father and step father. That's not right. Father should tell son that that is not son's decision to make. The only way this adoption could happen is if the father actively consented to it. He should make it clear to everyone that he won't do that. Back off on the drama and carry on with a parenting arrangement that has been working quite acceptably for many years.
|
gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
