tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Well she's doing it again. After several days of nice and kissy, she's back to being a [censored] on wheels again.
Case in point....we are in the process of refinancing our house. I am doing everything, which is OK but when I try to involve her in the process simply just to show her what's going on and where things stand with the loan, appraisal, payments and rate, etc.... she says she has no time to discuss it. Yet when I try to make a decision on something as mundane as where to buy gas or what to eat for lunch she hits the roof and it's back to the shrieker.
I do not know what to do anymore. I am breaking my ass to do what I can for the family, mainly to get out of the real estate hole we're in. She can't even understand how loans are structured and has no interest in knowing. Eventually she rags me on why I'm doing this without involving her.
Can anyone, without judging me, offer any advice, share any similar situations, etc????
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This Too Shall Pass
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Seriously, can anyone out there (even if you don't agree with me) please offer suggestions????? I am being driven bonkers......
Contrary to other posts I have decided to make a commitment to work on our relationship. I am not willing to be without my daughter for even one day and perhaps love can return. I will say that she is seeing a doctor today and has agreed to get on anti-depressants or mood stabilizing drugs or whatever is prescribed. So it appears she recognizes and wants to make an effort to work out her issues whatever they may be.
I just need to know how to cope in the meantime.....
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This Too Shall Pass
Edited by tiredofnagging (06/06/08 09:18 AM)
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
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I can only recommend this. I read a book called divorce busting. It describes some of this. Do not employ the try and try again method. If you are trying to bring up the loan and she is being disinterested, attack it differently. Don't just keep asking. For example (and you have to be civil about this) you might say, "I found some interesting info regarding the refinancing. I think it will help us. What time works for you that I can share this information with you. I'll make some coffee and we can talk about it then."
In other words, kind of put the ball in her court a little bit and attack the problem a little differently. Make her a bit excited to be part of the decision process.
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Damn it's good to laugh again.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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TY!!! Sounds like that might defuse some of the crap, needless as it may be. I would love to treat her as a partner if only she would act like one. Or is it she'll act like a partner if she's treated like one??
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This Too Shall Pass
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Well, it's a bit of both but yeah, let her feel like she's an important part of the process. To her, (and while you probably feel differently) it's probably seemed like nagging. You might be surprised, try that with a few other things and she might even let up on you. For example, if you are going to the store for something, you might not normally tell her or you might just say "I'm going to the store." Take it a step further and say, "I'm going to the store. I need to pick up some xyz. Is there anything you need? Would you like to come along?"
Unfortunately too late, I've learned that involving your spouse in things can make a world of difference, even when you feel it's a non-event.
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Damn it's good to laugh again.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote]Well, it's a bit of both but yeah, let her feel like she's an important part of the process. To her, (and while you probably feel differently) it's probably seemed like nagging. You might be surprised, try that with a few other things and she might even let up on you. For example, if you are going to the store for something, you might not normally tell her or you might just say "I'm going to the store." Take it a step further and say, "I'm going to the store. I need to pick up some xyz. Is there anything you need? Would you like to come along?"
Unfortunately too late, I've learned that involving your spouse in things can make a world of difference, even when you feel it's a non-event. [/quote]
Thank for YOUR input. I will try and follow thru.
OMMMMMMMMMM. Breath in, breath out. And...
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This Too Shall Pass
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2027
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It sounds to me that as you say, "she doesn't know anything about loans etc" and would prefer you to do this. That's why she doesn't really get involved or have any interest in it and is happy for you to take the inititative with these kind of things.
On the other hand, it sounds like she doesn't need your advice on domestic things like lunches and where to buy gas - she can do that herself obviously. You telling her that stuff too would be irritating and probably makes her feel like you think she's stupid.
Which then makes her feel like SHE should show an interest or say something in the other matters like the mortgage matters.
Instead of climbing all over every role in the household, maybe you should divide the roles up. You look after mortgages and bills decisions, she looks after the domestic decisions. Lunches, gas etc.
She might drive you nuts for not showing interest in the first place, but you might be drving her nuts too by trying to do everything. That would definitely drive me nuts.
Try sitting down with her and dividing the tasks up so both of you know each other's expectations. And you shouldn't talk about your wife as if she's stupid just because she doesn't understand mortage matters. I'm sure she's not.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Well as I've indicated I have tried to sit down and simply explain things to her, but again she shows no interest. And we need to do this sooner or later, or else I'll still be trying to explain this after the foreclosure. Get the picture?
When I spoke about lunches, gas, etc those are not life altering decisions. You eat your lunch and buy your gas as cheaply as you can. What I meant was that she is not trying to be part of the solution. Our financial position is precarious.
Lastly she's not stupid and I never said she was. She is indifferent for whatever reason.
That's pretty much it.
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2027
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[quote] She can't even understand how loans are structured and has no interest in knowing. Eventually she rags me on why I'm doing this without involving her. [/quote]
You said she can't understand these things, not me. You also called your wife a [censored] on wheels. That she may be but she is your wife and you are married to her. Feeling that way about the woman you are married to isn't a great place to be for either of you. It might have something to do with how she is behaving.
If she is showing no interest as you say, I would say she DOES understand perfectly well and her way of dealing with the stress of it all is to not deal with it at all.
When you say you want her to be part of the solution, you are not saying what the solution is that you are sitting down to explain to her. If you are continually sitting down to explain the problem, she will not want to hear it any longer if you don't also have some options.
And I get the picture perfectly clearly thank-you. If you are at risk of foreclosure, you maybe should ask her which solution she thinks is best, or tell her YOUR preferred solution and ask for feedback on that.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Well tonight my wife has officially taken the cake. She works for the state of Nevada and the Governor has called a special session of the legislature to figure out what to do about the worst budget crisis in years. Several employees where she works have been told they would be cut and replaced by contract workers.
Now my wife has seemed to take quite a laid back attitude, almost to the point of not seeming to care. Our family financial situation is precarious and she doesn't seem to want to be involved. When I approached her this evening the only thing she could say is that I've already mentioned the situation 2 times (a euphamism that she doesn't want to talk about it.)
It has been suggested to me that I gently involve my wife in such matters, I offer carefully thought out options. In other words if such and such happens we'll probably need to to do this and that. What do you think? All I get is a blank stare and the vibes that more than suggest the subject deserves no further attention.
As I said our situation is precarious and there are three ways it could go, from no problem to basically Doomsday.
What the %$^&%$ am I supposed to do at this point? Constructive advise is not only appreciated but necessary. Otherwise I feel like pounding some sense into her.
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This Too Shall Pass
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