tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Well she's doing it again. After several days of nice and kissy, she's back to being a [censored] on wheels again.
Case in point....we are in the process of refinancing our house. I am doing everything, which is OK but when I try to involve her in the process simply just to show her what's going on and where things stand with the loan, appraisal, payments and rate, etc.... she says she has no time to discuss it. Yet when I try to make a decision on something as mundane as where to buy gas or what to eat for lunch she hits the roof and it's back to the shrieker.
I do not know what to do anymore. I am breaking my ass to do what I can for the family, mainly to get out of the real estate hole we're in. She can't even understand how loans are structured and has no interest in knowing. Eventually she rags me on why I'm doing this without involving her.
Can anyone, without judging me, offer any advice, share any similar situations, etc????
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This Too Shall Pass
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Seriously, can anyone out there (even if you don't agree with me) please offer suggestions????? I am being driven bonkers......
Contrary to other posts I have decided to make a commitment to work on our relationship. I am not willing to be without my daughter for even one day and perhaps love can return. I will say that she is seeing a doctor today and has agreed to get on anti-depressants or mood stabilizing drugs or whatever is prescribed. So it appears she recognizes and wants to make an effort to work out her issues whatever they may be.
I just need to know how to cope in the meantime.....
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This Too Shall Pass
Edited by tiredofnagging (06/06/08 09:18 AM)
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
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I can only recommend this. I read a book called divorce busting. It describes some of this. Do not employ the try and try again method. If you are trying to bring up the loan and she is being disinterested, attack it differently. Don't just keep asking. For example (and you have to be civil about this) you might say, "I found some interesting info regarding the refinancing. I think it will help us. What time works for you that I can share this information with you. I'll make some coffee and we can talk about it then."
In other words, kind of put the ball in her court a little bit and attack the problem a little differently. Make her a bit excited to be part of the decision process.
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Damn it's good to laugh again.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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TY!!! Sounds like that might defuse some of the crap, needless as it may be. I would love to treat her as a partner if only she would act like one. Or is it she'll act like a partner if she's treated like one??
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This Too Shall Pass
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1467
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Well, it's a bit of both but yeah, let her feel like she's an important part of the process. To her, (and while you probably feel differently) it's probably seemed like nagging. You might be surprised, try that with a few other things and she might even let up on you. For example, if you are going to the store for something, you might not normally tell her or you might just say "I'm going to the store." Take it a step further and say, "I'm going to the store. I need to pick up some xyz. Is there anything you need? Would you like to come along?"
Unfortunately too late, I've learned that involving your spouse in things can make a world of difference, even when you feel it's a non-event.
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Damn it's good to laugh again.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote]Well, it's a bit of both but yeah, let her feel like she's an important part of the process. To her, (and while you probably feel differently) it's probably seemed like nagging. You might be surprised, try that with a few other things and she might even let up on you. For example, if you are going to the store for something, you might not normally tell her or you might just say "I'm going to the store." Take it a step further and say, "I'm going to the store. I need to pick up some xyz. Is there anything you need? Would you like to come along?"
Unfortunately too late, I've learned that involving your spouse in things can make a world of difference, even when you feel it's a non-event. [/quote]
Thank for YOUR input. I will try and follow thru.
OMMMMMMMMMM. Breath in, breath out. And...
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This Too Shall Pass
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2027
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It sounds to me that as you say, "she doesn't know anything about loans etc" and would prefer you to do this. That's why she doesn't really get involved or have any interest in it and is happy for you to take the inititative with these kind of things.
On the other hand, it sounds like she doesn't need your advice on domestic things like lunches and where to buy gas - she can do that herself obviously. You telling her that stuff too would be irritating and probably makes her feel like you think she's stupid.
Which then makes her feel like SHE should show an interest or say something in the other matters like the mortgage matters.
Instead of climbing all over every role in the household, maybe you should divide the roles up. You look after mortgages and bills decisions, she looks after the domestic decisions. Lunches, gas etc.
She might drive you nuts for not showing interest in the first place, but you might be drving her nuts too by trying to do everything. That would definitely drive me nuts.
Try sitting down with her and dividing the tasks up so both of you know each other's expectations. And you shouldn't talk about your wife as if she's stupid just because she doesn't understand mortage matters. I'm sure she's not.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Well as I've indicated I have tried to sit down and simply explain things to her, but again she shows no interest. And we need to do this sooner or later, or else I'll still be trying to explain this after the foreclosure. Get the picture?
When I spoke about lunches, gas, etc those are not life altering decisions. You eat your lunch and buy your gas as cheaply as you can. What I meant was that she is not trying to be part of the solution. Our financial position is precarious.
Lastly she's not stupid and I never said she was. She is indifferent for whatever reason.
That's pretty much it.
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2027
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[quote] She can't even understand how loans are structured and has no interest in knowing. Eventually she rags me on why I'm doing this without involving her. [/quote]
You said she can't understand these things, not me. You also called your wife a [censored] on wheels. That she may be but she is your wife and you are married to her. Feeling that way about the woman you are married to isn't a great place to be for either of you. It might have something to do with how she is behaving.
If she is showing no interest as you say, I would say she DOES understand perfectly well and her way of dealing with the stress of it all is to not deal with it at all.
When you say you want her to be part of the solution, you are not saying what the solution is that you are sitting down to explain to her. If you are continually sitting down to explain the problem, she will not want to hear it any longer if you don't also have some options.
And I get the picture perfectly clearly thank-you. If you are at risk of foreclosure, you maybe should ask her which solution she thinks is best, or tell her YOUR preferred solution and ask for feedback on that.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Well tonight my wife has officially taken the cake. She works for the state of Nevada and the Governor has called a special session of the legislature to figure out what to do about the worst budget crisis in years. Several employees where she works have been told they would be cut and replaced by contract workers.
Now my wife has seemed to take quite a laid back attitude, almost to the point of not seeming to care. Our family financial situation is precarious and she doesn't seem to want to be involved. When I approached her this evening the only thing she could say is that I've already mentioned the situation 2 times (a euphamism that she doesn't want to talk about it.)
It has been suggested to me that I gently involve my wife in such matters, I offer carefully thought out options. In other words if such and such happens we'll probably need to to do this and that. What do you think? All I get is a blank stare and the vibes that more than suggest the subject deserves no further attention.
As I said our situation is precarious and there are three ways it could go, from no problem to basically Doomsday.
What the %$^&%$ am I supposed to do at this point? Constructive advise is not only appreciated but necessary. Otherwise I feel like pounding some sense into her.
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This Too Shall Pass
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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The pounding part is, of course, figurative.
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This Too Shall Pass
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote] You said she can't understand these things, not me. You also called your wife a [censored] on wheels. That she may be but she is your wife and you are married to her. Feeling that way about the woman you are married to isn't a great place to be for either of you. It might have something to do with how she is behaving.
If she is showing no interest as you say, I would say she DOES understand perfectly well and her way of dealing with the stress of it all is to not deal with it at all.
When you say you want her to be part of the solution, you are not saying what the solution is that you are sitting down to explain to her. If you are continually sitting down to explain the problem, she will not want to hear it any longer if you don't also have some options.
And I get the picture perfectly clearly thank-you. If you are at risk of foreclosure, you maybe should ask her which solution she thinks is best, or tell her YOUR preferred solution and ask for feedback on that. [/quote]
I appreciate the time you spent responding to my issue, however there isn't a word you've offered that either I am not aware of or can be regarded as helpful. Let me tell you why...
First of all our financial position is precarious, like a lot of others. I am trying to be proactive because whether or not she gets involved, the situation must be dealt with. Finances and food on the table are not things you play around with because of feelings. Most banks don't care when it comes to paying mortgages. The fact is, as a wife and partner she needs to be a part of the solution and I have invited her to do so. I guess you didn't get that part. And oh by the way I have, in detail, explained the problem and offered possible scenarios in which to solve them. If there's anything more I could be doing in a tangible basis, I'd love to know.
Secondly you seem to infer that she may be choosing not to deal with it as a coping mechanism, is that right? And you obviously think I'm stupid by stressing that I should ask her which solution is the right one, like I haven't considered that yet.
Lastly, when someone goes on to a forum like this, there is an obvious plea for help from those who have been in the same shoes. Your smug, cavalier attitude suggests to me that either you have no clue about relationships or never had one. I have referred to her as a ____ on wheels simply because she acts like one. That must come as a shock to you. ;-)))
Bottom line is, helpful is good. I'm sure you would want that if your situation called for it. Speaking out of context, knee jerk reactions and an obvious bias are not helpful.
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This Too Shall Pass
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1493
Loc: Texas
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Your situation sounds familiar (although, not exact) to my own. My wife is a bit controlling, a bit narcassistic, a bit perfectionist, and a lot moody. Sometimes I feel I need to walk on egg shells around her and it makes communication rather painful to say the least. I can try talking to her about real estate one time and get the "I'll play dumb and not interested" wife one minute and the next she is verbally assaulting me for not talking to her about it. It's like I have to flip a coin to see if she's responsive to discussing something or if I'm in for another verbal bombing. Some of the things I need to talk to her about can't wait until "next week" or even tomorrow - things that need a decision RIGHT NOW. Usually what happens then is I make the decision and then have to hear the excessive nagging some time later because she wasn't "included" on the decision.
I used to just play the passive husband and not do anything at all (as best I could) as I figured I'd probably get an earful no matter what path I take (i.e., 'damned if you do and damned if you don't'), but then I started taking the more assertive route and figure if she's unwilling to discuss the matter with me to h*ll with her if she starts nagging later about not "including" her.
It can become a no-win situation.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Thank you for sharing your issues and your relevant comments regarding mine.
Memo to others: If you can't contribute in a positive manner to another person's situation, please say nothing. That's about what your comments are worth. And you know who you are...
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This Too Shall Pass
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Now that I have some time, I wanted to respond to your concerns. Besides I have the house to myself and as we all know, freedom to express oneself.
Stoltz, I pretty much understand how you feel about the eggshell part. One minute they're one way and the next minute the opposite. Not sure if I can handle the swings any longer. It's almost as if you have to play it moment to moment and name of the game is survival. Such a shame. You sound like the kind of guy that puts it out there only to have it handed right back to you. A coin toss like you said. No way to live right? No way to "win". Yet these women have no f*cking clue how lucky they are that we devote ourselves the way we do. And when the hammer drops cause it's the last straw they don't know why......
A person can only take so much. If some things were different, I'd be gone. But, I do not want my daughter to be raised in a "broken home". I want her to be loved by both of us even if we don't love each other. The great choice, staying together for the sake of the kids....
Hell, we had a blowout the other day and she threatened to leave, and I said "you're not taking my daughter". She said that was fine with her. I was floored. Not at all what I expected to hear.
I am currently seeing a therapist who also does marriage counseling. I see her on Friday and I can't wait. Really need advice and I would recommend that you get some outside assistance so you are equipped to handle the mindf*cking you're clearly getting from your wife. We don't deserve it!
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This Too Shall Pass
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EZmark
Platinum
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 292
Loc: Florida
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You three are in a rowboat in rough water. You are bailing water out as much as you can. She is drilling little holes at the other end while you try to pay no attention. When it sinks it will be women and children first. Unless you prepare your ground you are sunk.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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You got that right!!!
I'm on top of the game. Looking for pointers here and in other places. Exit strategy being perfected. Just in case. Always have outs. She gets her sh*t together, maybe not a problem.
You are indeed perceptive. Must be a male.
Sidenote: ever since she got home and had dinner, she's plopped on the couch watching TV. I did kid duty.
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This Too Shall Pass
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2348
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My boyfriend had those issues with the X. He never knew which personality would surface. I never thought of it that way.
Good luck to you. I was married 13 years to a alcoholic borderline personality disordered person. I know what you're going through.
Again, good luck!
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2027
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[quote] Your smug, cavalier attitude suggests to me that either you have no clue about relationships or never had one. I have referred to her as a ____ on wheels simply because she acts like one. That must come as a shock to you. ;-)))
[/quote]
To be honest, I don't like your tone. Because you don't agree with something I said, you resorted to put-downs about me. It speaks volumes.
Everyone here has had difficulties with their spouse, some more than others. You know absolutely nothing about my situation so why make spiteful nasty comments.
I have just re-read my comments to find out what prompted such an unnecessary response from you on a public forum. I suggest you go back and read them too. I tried to offer you some help by providing a different point of view in a constructive way, in case you hadn't considered things from her point of view.
But you seem to only want agreement with your view that your wife is a pain in the neck.
I couldn't tell you if that's the case so I'll butt out. The cousellor is a good idea for you.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3463
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[quote]
To be honest, I don't like your tone. Because you don't agree with something I said, you resorted to put-downs. It speaks volumes.
Everyone here has had difficulties with their spouse, some more than others. You know absolutely nothing about my situation so why make spiteful nasty comments.
I have just re-read my comments to find out what prompted such an unnecessary response from you on a public forum. I suggest you go back and read them too. I tried to offer you some help by providing a different point of view in a constructive way, in case you hadn't considered things from her point of view.
But you seem to only want agreement with your view that your wife is a pain in the neck.
I couldn't tell you if that's the case so I'll butt out. The cousellor is a good idea for you.
[/quote]
You didn't say anything inappropriate or even attacking. You just didn't say what he wanted you to say. Read his history here. I think you will find that he is on the wrong board. And that he's the one who is narcissistic.
He just likes to think of himself as the victim here, which he isn't. If anything, his wife belongs on the domestic violence board to help support her through the abuse that she is going through.
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2027
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[quote]You didn't say anything inappropriate or even attacking. You just didn't say what he wanted you to say. Read his history here. I think you will find that he is on the wrong board. And that he's the one who is narcissistic.
He just likes to think of himself as the victim here, which he isn't. If anything, his wife belongs on the domestic violence board to help support her through the abuse that she is going through. [/quote]
Thanks Jada. I've just read his history here. I had no idea. Tiredofnagging shouldn't be here. His wife should. I'm stunned by the tirades about his wife and the abusive comments handed out to anyone on the forum who has a different point of view to his own, especially the women of the forum. It explains much about the subject of this thread. I hope others on the forum will go back and read his comments from earlier threads too.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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OK, ladies. So you think I'm the sick one and my wife should be here because of the abuse I've heaped on her AND you hens have said nothing to be called out on. Yada yada yada.
Well the first useful thing I've heard from either of you was to bug out. That would be delightful. You see (and yes read my posts) criticism over a situation you have no intimate knowledge of is not only worthless, but not wanted or needed. Glad you have apparently figured it out. You remind me of 2 complaining wives in their backyards b*tching about their husbands.
So go away into the night or wherever it is you go. Have a nice trip. And don't let the door hit ya on the way out.
You see, some on this forum identify with my situation (the one you claim must not exist at all), and their input is both useful and appreciated.
Last thing, my intent was not to insult you arbitrarily. I just wanted you to go away and hope someone out there had something meaningful to say.
Can't beat honesty. Don't know your situations cause I don't have the time to analyze your posts, as if that makes me an expert. On the other hand, show me your professional credentials and maybe I'll listen.
And by the way, regarding my wife, everything I've said about her actions, what she's said, etc is true. Yet I've never cheated, lied or struck her. I'm sorry if that's been your experience.
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This Too Shall Pass
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote]My boyfriend had those issues with the X. He never knew which personality would surface. I never thought of it that way.
Good luck to you. I was married 13 years to a alcoholic borderline personality disordered person. I know what you're going through.
Again, good luck! [/quote]
Thank you Sarah. Your caring is not only obvious but appreciated. I'm no expert but you have a friend and kindred spirit if you need someone to bounce off of. You will not be judged by this person.
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This Too Shall Pass
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1493
Loc: Texas
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Yeah, it's tough, but I know one day there will be some light at the end of the tunnel. With three young kids, the last thing on my list is a divorce right now. It would be destructive to the kids and with the court system the way it is, I'd probably be living in a cardboard box under a bridge for the next 15+ years (if not in jail). If I knew my wife would be civil with a divorce, I'd be in a lawyer's office today. But she has mentioned to me on several occasions that if we ever got a divorce, she would do absolutely EVERYTHING in her power to ruin me - including making sure I'd never see the kids again.
At first, I would only listen - obey - the best I could, while a full gambit of emotions ran through me. "This is the woman I loved so dearly just a few short years before?" But as time slowly crept on, I began to pick myself up and started taking a more assertive stance, because I knew IF things were to end between us and IF things would start developing her way afterwards, I would use every means possible to fight back. And, I let her know it.
So, I suck it all up and bide my time. As the last one leaves the nest, I know my NEW life will have just begun.
BTW, I could care less what people here think of me as a person. Honestly, I've never met any of them in person and I doubt I ever will. They can agree with what I say or disagree - it is their decision. Life has hardened me to the point where being PC to keep the water's calm is a fruitless struggle in a finite existence. Would people rather me be fake or be honest? It's funny, because I've gotten many PM's from people who would rather tell me privately than publicly they respect my honesty (although, they may disagree with what I said). And then I've gotten some other PM's ...
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2027
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[quote]You remind me of 2 complaining wives in their backyards b*tching about their husbands. [/quote]
How interesting that you are concerned with how other people come across. It would seem that when it comes to yourself, you have no absolutely self-awarenesss at all. Like I said before, your comments speak VOLUMES.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote] I couldn't tell you if that's the case so I'll butt out. [/quote]
So what happened to that notion? I have said repeatedly that your judgmental comments were not needed. So I was under the impression that we agreed to disagree, but yet you both are still here. Which part don't you understand? Even others have stated they don't care for your holier than thou bullsh*t. Can't you read?
I could go on and on but even this must come to an end. I will post about my personal and spousal issues because I can. And there are people out there who are genuinely caring and offer sincerity. However I can't stop either of you from wasting time with your drivel. I guess to you and others like you it must be like watching a car wreck. Guess you can't take your eyes off it. So that makes you rubberneckers in cyberspace.
Again and for the last time, I ask you to try to be helpful to those of us who are looking for help. If you find that impossible and you can't say anything good, don't say anything. And try to remember the golden rule. Somewhere along the line I'm sure someone told you about it.
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This Too Shall Pass
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 170
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote] Yeah, it's tough, but I know one day there will be some light at the end of the tunnel. [/quote]
You hang in there, be strong and remember that no matter what she's done, she cannot take away your identity and self respect.
I got your back, my friend.
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This Too Shall Pass
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1493
Loc: Texas
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-------------------------------------------------------------
You didn't say anything inappropriate or even attacking. You just didn't say what he wanted you to say. Read his history here. I think you will find that he is on the wrong board. And that he's the one who is narcissistic.
He just likes to think of himself as the victim here, which he isn't. If anything, his wife belongs on the domestic violence board to help support her through the abuse that she is going through.
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ROFLMFAO! Jada to the rescue for the woman (yet again)!
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1493
Loc: Texas
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Many people cannot understand the situation such as ours. It's frustrating to reason (and even communicate) to a spouse who flip-flops their stance and emotions virtually on a minute-to-minute basis. It comes to a point where instead of even trying to communicate, you deal with situations the best you can. If it results in the spouse having a verbal assault at your expense later, then you cross that bridge when it comes. It may further strain the relationship, but - at least in my case - the relationship had long ago stretched itself beyond repair by her actions, so it makes no difference now, anyway.
If you haven't tried counseling, it may be an avenue worth persuing. For me, I had two prior marriages before this one in which *I* did everything possible to salvage the relationship in which the woman cheated - including counseling - but nothing helped in the end. I should have learned after the first one, but I was brought up (read: brainwashed) to respect, admire, and even worship the opposite sex (what man isn't?), but it has taken me three marriages to finally understand that it was all a complete and utter lie. I'm not saying there aren't women out there who are appreciative to this type of man, but life's too short and finding the proverbial needle just ain't worth it, IMHO. Add to that an obviously biased court system (and a society that supports it) and that only adds to the dilemma.
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2027
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[quote] Constructive advise is not only appreciated but necessary. Otherwise I feel like pounding some sense into her. [/quote]
Well Stolz, I'm not sure what you think there is to laugh about. I tend to see both sides and have certainly stood up for 'the guys' in my time here.
But I won't take up the side of someone who says the kind of thing that was said above. I didn't think you were the kind of person who would do that either.
If you're going to, I sure hope for his wife's sake that you have some constructive advice.
The alternative isn't all that great is it?
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