skip
New
Reged: 06/09/08
Posts: 2
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My husband has really crossed the line and I don't know what to do. Essentially, we have been at odds for years. We have three kids. Two years ago he got laid off from his job and went back to school to become a nurse. I paid for everything, still did most of the housework and he was the "daycare" while I worked. He is now at his new job and refuses to even provide insurance for the kids. I have just changed to part time when he went back to work so we could save on daycare. I will be losing insurance for all of us at the end of the month. He is such a selfish piece of it. I was planning to leave him after he graduated but his close friend shot himself (don't ask). No I don't care. He is disney dad to our seven year old son and my two year old twins adore him. He does NOTHING, even less now. I have the money to leave and I am sure I can get a full time job. I don't even know if counseling will help. Just rambling I guess
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 278
Loc: NM
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I am so sorry skip, I have been at the end of my rope lots of times too with my hubby. Does he know what an arse he is being? Is this unusual because of the best friend? Does he know how close you are to being done?
I don't have a whole lot of advice for you except make sure that you have communicated all this to him. Sometimes we all need a wake-up call...maybe he doens't realize how bad it is? Just make sure that if you say you are going to leave that it is not an idle threat, I think some of us get into that, throwing around the D word, hoping it will shake them up. It doesn't unless it is followed thru. I hope that it works out for you, whichever way that makes it better.
Take care and know that you are not alone.
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 636
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Quote:
My husband has really crossed the line and I don't know what to do. Essentially, we have been at odds for years. We have three kids. Two years ago he got laid off from his job and went back to school to become a nurse. I paid for everything, still did most of the housework and he was the "daycare" while I worked. He is now at his new job and refuses to even provide insurance for the kids. I have just changed to part time when he went back to work so we could save on daycare. I will be losing insurance for all of us at the end of the month. He is such a selfish piece of it. I was planning to leave him after he graduated but his close friend shot himself (don't ask). No I don't care. He is disney dad to our seven year old son and my two year old twins adore him. He does NOTHING, even less now. I have the money to leave and I am sure I can get a full time job. I don't even know if counseling will help. Just rambling I guess
Does this make any sense to anyone else? I am truely confused and not sure the point of the post.
Lets look at what YOU wrote:
1) He got laid off from his job, went back to school so he could find a presumably better job (Very few people go back to school to make less money).
2) He took care of the kids while he was going to school and you worked so you could save money.
3) He now has a full time job (again assuming he graduated and now makes more money).
4) He doesnt want to put the family on his insurane yet, because they are covered currently under yours, this makes him selfish?
5) You were planning to leave him, must assume he knew this as well.
6) The kids apparently adore their father and it sounds like this makes you mad as well.
I have read and reread your post numerous times and yes while it sounds like he should help with the house work. I have yet to see the "selfish piece of shit" that you claim him to be and this is just your version of the tale and I assure you his version would paint himself to look even better.
Your right I don't think counseling will help at least not till you understand your role in this and the anger issues you appear to have.
My honest and sometimes blunt point of view "wow now here is a very bitter angery woman that is trying to desperately play the role of victim and only coming off to sound like a ^%$#@"
just the observations from a stranger.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 278
Loc: NM
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I have to disagree with you and also note that I think that you gave her an unfair butt chewing. We all come here for support and we all give our side of the story. Of course there is another side to all of our rantings.
He may be paying the bills, but she noted that insurance runs out end of the month and he refuses to insure them. Takes a second for insurance plans to kick in and with 3 kids I would be very irritated not to be insured.
So he is full time and she is part time so she should do all housework and childcare? That is not fair, marriage is all about teamwork and sharing.
Yes most disney dad's are adored, but who is doing the disciplining? Mom! Yes I would be ticked off too. Not that he is adored, that he isn't being a real parent. Parenting isn't all about fun.
Sounds like I just read a post from a person that did/is doing all the same things she is griping about and it hit a nerve.
Alas, I am also a stranger.
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 636
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<Deleted a bunch of useless defending of my post its not about me, Im already divorced, but for the record I am closer to being a mirror of her than him>
Hindsight being what it is, I probably should have posted some questions for clarification and offered sympathy for someone about to enter the divorce arena.
Skip: You have my apologies for me being an a$$. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family I sincerly hope you find the answers you are looking for.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
Edited by numbnms (06/12/08 12:05 AM)
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skip
New
Reged: 06/09/08
Posts: 2
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Okay, I think I need some clarification. My husband is NOT paying any bills. I am still expected to pay electric, all activities, food for children, ect. He pays NOTHING. And yes, I think he knows that I am really thinking of leaving this time. Just last night I asked him to pay for some groceries and he, in front of the children, said NO. He tries to get my seven year old against me by using MY money to purchase him Nintendo, take him out to the arcade, etc. I just changed the account so that we are separate because he was using MY hard earned money to purchase junk. He came home last night and announced that he is taking his one week ski vacation this year. He needs to save up for HIS vacation. No, my savings are used up to put him through school. And he never disciplines, feeds, bathes, etc. the kids. I have to take the kids to the pool because he would never do such a thing. Maybe I let this go too far, hoping it would get better. He has always been self absorbed in everything. Really, I planned to leave once he was done with school thinking I did my duty to help him. Once his friend killed himself I felt a bit sorry for him. Not now, not at all. I am an attorney and know what I can get in a divorce. I may be the only person that's financial outlook would improve upon a divorce. Also, I could force him to at least do more that NOTHING he does now. The problem is he will not leave this house. I cannot force him to, not at this stage. I will have to rent a house in the area and take the kids which would be difficult for my seven year old.
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 636
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Ok I promise to be a kinder and gentler numbs today. SKip; Are you looking to try and save your marriage, to try and find solace for getting a divorce, or just looking for a place to vent? I ask this in all sincerity and there is no wrong answer I just need to know what kind of support you are wanting.
I understand completely the frustration you are feeling with a husband that does not help, my ex wasn't a bad person but she lacked the ability to help with the daily running of a household. Her concept of a balanced checkbook was, if she had checks she must have money. The major failing of our marriage was my inability to communicate my frustrations with our marriage in an effective non-belittling way. I failed in being able to be to talk to her in ways that didnt immediately put her on the defensive, thus resulting in her seeking approval from the another man. I point out my own failings as a way to maybe get you to look at what you are doing wrong. Most attorneys, and I know a metric ton of em, are arrogant and a little bullying. This is not a bad thing it just comes with the job. Have you tried approaching the problems with your marriage from the perspective of what you need to fix with you? Have you tried talking to him in a manner that isnt accusing? Even if you end up getting a divorce your relationship with your husband wont go away you will be forever tied because of the kids and it would go a long way to making things easier on them if you didnt hate him when all of this was done. Again this is not saying you are at fault here, it is just pointing out I have never seen, heard, or read about a couple that got divorced and only one side was completely at fault.
Please remember one thing, you may hate him now but at some time you were in love with him enough to say "I do" and that person is still in there. It may be to little to late but you do owe it to your kids to see if there is anything you can do find that spark again. Divorce is a brutal ugly beast invented by satan himself, it will make people who once loved each other say the vialist things imaginable about the other one, it puts children in a position of having to chose one parent over another parent, in most cases it leads to financial ruin of both parties involved. Even if the divorce is the most amilicable of situations the children will still be negatively affected just not to the same degree if it is an ugly divorce.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 149
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Skip,
Ussually when people post to preventing that is what they really want to do.
My impression is that you and your husband are building a huge wall between each other (cliched yes, but its the best I can do and it fits). If you want to prevent, then both of you have to stop blaming the other. Regardless of the merit of your position, to "prevent" you will have to treat the problems in your marriage as shared, not as his or yours and obviously he will have to do the same.
You say that you don't think counseling will do any good at this point. That implies to me that you haven't tried yet (otherwise you would have said "We've tried ..."). While the stakes may not be financial, they are emotional, and not just for the two of you, but for your kids too.
Given that you have kids and they care about their dad (even if its through blatent bribery), you should treat divorce as a last resort.
I hate it when I see two divorced parents at a sport or school function that can't even talk to each other, you can just feel that the focus is more on the tension between the parents then it is on the kid's activity, and unfortunately that appears to be more the norm in divorce, especially if there are unresolved anger issues going into it.
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Decided to keep working
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 149
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Another benefit from counseling is that a good therapist is unbiased. Right now if you point out any fault in your husband, he will be defensive and stab back at you, but a good therapist will point out his faults in a way that doesn't make him feel attacked. Even if you tried to do that at this point, your relationsip has degenerated to the point that anything coming from you (and likely the reverse as well) will be treated like a point that needs to be countered. For example a good therapist would point out that his parenting style may get immediate gratification, but respect will be given to you. Even if you said this in the nicest of ways, he will take it as an insult and look for a way to argue against it.
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Decided to keep working
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SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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It certainly seems like you have a bum for an H. However, You do have kids together. It is so nice to see others not rushing to recommend divorce when there are kids involved.
Does H have any good traits you can focus on and build from?
If H is not working on the marriage, you need to whip him into shape. Do not use the D word, but you need to re-kindle your marriage. Try positive reinforcement first. Put alot of effort into the marriage for a few months and see if he rewards you back. If he just become more complacent, then change your approach - serious conversation. But arguing or fighting never results in any good.
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