Charli
New
Reged: 10/24/07
Posts: 8
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My son is 14 and see's his dad every other weekend. His dad usually picks him up around 10:00 a.m on Saturday and drops him off anywhere from noon to 3:00 p.m on Sunday. Honestly I don't even know why he bothers. My son does not enjoy going over there. He has to sleep on the floor and always comes back home without being fed lunch. We have the standard parenting plan in our divorce decree for visitation and have been divorced for 5 years. Not once has my son ever spent the two weeks in the summer with him and does not want to either. His dad is re-married and has two other children now. My son actually ends up in tears when it's time for him to go to his dads house. He really can't stand going over there. I just tell him that there's nothing I can do and to try and have a good time. This just seems so unfair to my son. I feel like I am forcing him to do something that he does not want to do and it breaks my heart. Isn't there anything that I can do without being in contempt?
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3237
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You have no choice but to follow the court order or you will be in contempt. And one of the things that may happen if you are in contempt enough is that you lose custody.
Have you tried talking to your ex about your son's feelings? Encouraged your son to talk to his dad about them?
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soon2bfree07
Gold
Reged: 10/19/07
Posts: 141
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If your son is willing, put him in counseling to discuss his feelings and the counselor may actually be able to validate some of those negative feelings and give your son the courage to tell his father. Or at least the counselor can give a recommendation to the courts if you wanted to go as far as trying to modify the visits.
My daughter outright refused to see her dad and after being held in contempt twice, the courts finally decided to "force" the visitation and my daughter took some extreme actions that landed her in a psychiatric unit! Well fortunately, the courts decided to actually listen to her and the social worker and psychiatrist made their recommendations and (there were criminal actions involved in my case) terminated all contact btwn her and her father.
All in the meantime I felt so helpless and just tried to encourage my daughter to have a good time and I tried talking to my ex about how she feels and to at least give her some time which of course he wouldn't.
Sometimes you need to get other forms of authority involved for the sake of the child's happiness and safety.
I'm sorry he has to go thru this and you!
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3136
Loc: Florida
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Does your ex know how about the child's feelings?
Is it just because he feels like a visitor or is there something more behind it?
I'd talk with the ex on how he can make the child feel more like a family unit while he's there and also see about making better sleeping arrangements. Even if it's just an air mattress made into a bed, it would be better than being on the floor. As for lunch the next day, same thing...find out why, maybe they have a later full lunch because it's Sunday or something, but ask if there is a way to rearrange that so that either the child is returned earlier or fed earlier.
All should be done as non-confrontational as possible. Don't assume (YET) that it's something that can't be fixed nor that it's not just an age thing...however I wouldn't want to go somewhere if I wasn't getting a good nights sleep and coming home hungry either.
Try to communicate with both dad and child to see if it can be rectified.
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**2 1/2 weeks to go...should start counting down the days**
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3110
Loc: Colorado
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It is my understanding that this is the age where having a father figure in a boy's life is critical to him growing up to be a decent man. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. If your son is uncomfortable staying with his dad, your son needs to work that out with his dad. Because he's now a teenager, you have the privilege and obligation to stay out of it.
Also, I suggest you stop complaining about the parenting time that your ex doesn't exercise and be thankful, for your son's sake, that he's there for him every weekend.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 397
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Do you feel bad when your son doesn't want to go to school and your force him to? Thing is, it is hard to see a 14 yo boy in tears. I have a 14yo boy. He gets frustrated and will do all he can not to cry. KGrow is right... this is the time in his life where a boy needs his father. It may help if you put a positive spin on his visits. You can help son by having a deli tray ready for him sunday PM when he gets home... he can fix himself a quick lunch without much drama. Encourage your son to speak up for himself and to assert himself at his father's instead of crying to you. He's 14, if he is man enough to not want to go, he should be man enough to speak directly to his father and explain to his father's satisfaction as to why he shouldn't be forced to go.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1514
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I agree with the other posters to an extent. But, I feel very strongly that my job as the CP is more than just saying to a kid to try and have a good time. My job is to help them look forward to it - even if it means that I am chewing glass to say it.
Instead of saying that he has to go - I think you have to go one step further - you have to tell him how much his dad loves him. How much you want them to spend time together. How much it means to both of you. Use humor, teasing, devils advocate (how do you think I would feel if you didn't come back to me?), guilt. But standing back and saying he has to go - nope not enough.
The privilege of being the CP means that you have to take it one step further all the time. Instead of commenting on not having lunch - have that tray ready. Or put out appetizers and make an early Sunday dinner that can celebrate his return without taking anything away from the ex.
I know it is hard, but it is your job and responsibility to your child to foster, promote and celebrate the relationship with the other parent whenever possible.
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one1two2three3
New
Reged: 06/20/08
Posts: 3
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Well, I'm going to be less harsh than other people. For all we know, your son DOES have a person in his life who is a wonderful father figure. That person does not always have to be the biological father. And, why does everyone think it is better to have a bad father figure than no father figure at all?
I would get a free consultation to find out if your sons wishes would be weighted if you went to court to try to modify the custody arrangement. Every state is different, so you never know until you ask.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3136
Loc: Florida
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[quote]Well, I'm going to be less harsh than other people. For all we know, your son DOES have a person in his life who is a wonderful father figure. That person does not always have to be the biological father. And, why does everyone think it is better to have a bad father figure than no father figure at all?
I would get a free consultation to find out if your sons wishes would be weighted if you went to court to try to modify the custody arrangement. Every state is different, so you never know until you ask. [/quote]
I don't recall her saying anywhere that the dad was a BAD DAD...just that the son didn't enjoy going over there.
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**2 1/2 weeks to go...should start counting down the days**
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one1two2three3
New
Reged: 06/20/08
Posts: 3
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My opinion is if he forgoes extended visits and shortens summer visits, then it is a bad father figure.
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