bailey78
New
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 5
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I will have been married 5 years next month, and my husband and I have 3 small children. We both entered our marriage with lots of baggage. Mine was that I yelled, and his was that he said mean, horrible (and abusive) things whenever he felt the need. I was so young and so naive that I just put up with his cruelty, and worse, I brought children into the situation. Eventually, I began to say horrible things to him as well.
Almost 2 years ago, there was a physical incident at our house and I called the police. (It was pretty mutual. I'm not the type to be pushed around). Somehow, that seemed to do something to my husband, and he began to change.
The problem is that I have had a very difficult time forgetting and forgiving the past. I'm so terrified that as soon as I allow myself to believe that things are getting better, he'll go back to being the way he used to be. I can't bring myself to let it go.
Recently, he's decided that all of our problems stem from my anger. Suddenly, everything that happens is my fault. It seems to be quite a convenient way out of taking responsibility for him, and I can't help but wonder where the hell he gets off placing the blame on me after all that he has done. He may not be as bad as he once was, but he is far from perfect. He still says abusive and cruel things to me, just less often.
Yesterday, he through a fit because his Father’s Day didn’t go as planned. We fought and said awful things to one another. Then, he, of course told me that everything was my fault and that my own family (of origin) didn’t like me. Something in me snapped, and I told him to move out. Now he totally denies saying what he said. And it wasn’t the first time he tried to hurt me by using my own family.
I don’t want things to be this way, but I also can’t allow my self-esteem to be trampled on any longer. And that is exactly what will happen if he comes back home expecting to blame everything on me and my anger. I’ve said as much, but he continues to skirt the issue over and over again. He said he wanted to go to therapy, but I can’t handle the thought of him putting on his good face for some therapist that might not see through it. It makes me ill.
I’ve also already told my children that their daddy won’t be sleeping here anymore. Going back and forth on that would really screw with them. So would being in a house where their parents were always fighting. I know that personally . . .
Sorry that this post is so incredibly long. I’m not at all sure what I want. Someone who understands maybe?
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 285
Loc: NM
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Is it all your fault? NO! Is some of it your fault? Yes. I think that your first step needs to be to take a deep breath. Think very hard about how you talk to your children about this situation. The way that you handle this now will forever stay with them.
You seem to be filled with anger. I have a hard time forgiving, definitely forgetting also. I went to counseling and it helped me immensely. All those pent up feelings and grudges seem to spill out on the Dr and I was able to let go a little. I would definitely suggest it to anyone.
I also read in the life after divorce section. Sometimes it seems that divorce is quick and easy, but with kids, you are forever connected. If you both are willing to seek counseling, give it a shot. Don't worry about what face he has on. Either way, I think that you should go.
I wish you the best. Keep us posted.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 152
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Ang is right, the "fault" is shared.
It seems like the biggest killer to marriages is people build up their fortresses and suddenly the marriage is no longer a partnership but a battle.
There are a couple of huge positives, your husband has improved, no one is perfect and there will always be set backs but people can learn to control their anger and communicate in a more productive way. You have to acknowledge improvement as a sign that the other person recognizes their part in it, even if they aren't willing to admit it. Your husband has suggested therapy. That means he wants the marriage to get better.
What it takes to make it is when you both decide that it's not one person's problem, but a shared problem. Whether you guys know it or not, your familiarity with each other has given you the weapon's to bring out the nastiness in each other. When you get into fight mode, do you feel like you guys are working toward a solution, or trying to hurt each other?
I would definately suggest therapy, most therapists would not fall for a nice guy act and put the blame on one person, it's counter productive to a solution, and they have an interest in a solution too.
You guys are not alone, your ultimate solution will be uniquely yours, but the feelings both of you are going through right now is very human and IMHO fixable if you both want to make it work.
That said, violence can never be tolerated, and that was a huge red flag in the beginning of your post. It does sound like an isolated incident, but its a line that should be watched always.
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Decided to keep working
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bailey78
New
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 5
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Quote:
Whether you guys know it or not, your familiarity with each other has given you the weapon's to bring out the nastiness in each other. When you get into fight mode, do you feel like you guys are working toward a solution, or trying to hurt each other?
You are totally right. We are never working at a solution. It's become more about winning than anything. My dilemma: even if I want counseling and want to try to make things work, when do you say, "enough is enough?"
I grew up in an abusive home where my parents were always fighting. I used to sleep under my bed every night. . .
I love my children more than anything. When I see how this is hurting them, I feel like the worst thing that I can do is to go back for more.
I got into this marriage because I thought I didn't deserve better. Maybe I didn't, but my kids do. Maybe "breaking the cycle" starts right now. How else can I send a message that this kind of relationship is not OK? I sure wish someone would have sent me that message as a child!
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2222
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If your daughter were in a relationship such as this, what would you advise HER to do???
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bailey78
New
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 5
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I'm not sure, but that is a really good question that deserves some serious pondering.
I guess I too would be concerned about how she would make it as a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids under 3 and no husband. But I also not sure that I would want her to stay in such a destructive relationship for the kids' sake too.
My mom and I are different. She allowed herself and her children to be abused "for the sake of the kids."
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 152
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I think Sarah's litmus test is a good one, but I also think that volatile marriages make even more volatile divorces. He seems to want to make things better, as long as you don't stay with status quo, it may be worth trying, but by the sound of your current relationship (you're both in the blame mode) you need some kind of outside help.
You've actually articulated some real serious issues in your past that need to be dealt with if you really want to break the cycle. Kids can be a good motivation for improvment in our lives. Good luck, I commend you for seeing the need to change your situation. Sometimes divorce is required for change, sometimes not.
With little real knowledge of the situation I would hope that fixing your marriage is possible, but you are in the best postition to judge that.
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Decided to keep working
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relationships
New
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 2
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Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear about your problems in your marriage. I am a producer on a documentary for a very respectable TV station. We are making a film about relationships, and are looking for a couple who are considering going into couples therapy. If you decide that this is the route you want to go, would you consider taking part? There's a possibility that your therapy could be provided free by a renowned NY-based professor and licensed clinical psychologist with many years experience. The aim of our film is to be helpful and informative, and so we would be as respectful and sensitive as possible at all times (this is NOT sensationalist TV). If you're interested in participating, please email us at "relationshipsfilm@gmail.com" and put "DivorceSupport - marriage" in the subject line. We will not influence the direction of your therapy, or interfere with the natural course of the therapy in any way. We would simply like to find a couple willing to share their issues, a couple who could potentially show how therapy helps identify relationships problems, and provide some tools to getting things back on track.
Many thanks and best wishes to you and your family,
Relationshipsfilm
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Dadofthree
New
Reged: 06/07/08
Posts: 12
Loc: Nor Cal
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My stbx wife and I went through a program the Catholic church puts on call retrovie (spelling is off), we are not Catholic and religion is not discussed. They put you through a very intense communication weekend. It is very well done. We just did things too late. It really helped us until we fell back into old ways....
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