xavier
New
Reged: 06/18/08
Posts: 3
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Here is my situation as it stands: I've been with the same woman for 11 + years. We married in 2005. Two years (maybe less) before the marriage, she decides to cut off intimacy between us in order to "save herself for marriage in a way" Me being the guy I am, an idiot, respected her wishes and I kept plugging on in my daily life till the day we were married.
Well, intimacy between us returned for one night during the honeymoon. Her behaviour that night was less than welcoming and I feel that I forced the issue. In 2006, my father was dying of cancer, late that summer, I found that she was emailing and text messaging another guy - supposedly "just a friend" - some of the emails were romantic in nature. I confronted her with this and she denied it completely. I kept track of how many text messages were sent from her phone over the next few months and they slowly tapered off to nothing.
Between the summer of 2006 and winter of 2007/2008 - I kept trying to rekindle that part of our relationship. Even went so far as to buy a house with her. Nothing changed. I thought it was something she didn't want about me - thought that there was something wrong with me.
In January, I took a look at her email again and she received a reminder email from a an online flower co., to "make his valentine's day special again". With some [censored], I figured out the [censored] to the account and found she sent this guy two dozen roses on Valentine's Day 2006 - to his place of work!!
In February, someone snapped me out of my rut. Someone I always found attractive. I told my wife I want to end it, I think I've done all the trying I can do - and I feel guilty for wanting to end it - what does that mean?!?!?!?!
It has been nearly three years since we last "did it" - I'm forty and I want to move on...
There is much more, but I didn't want to make this lengthy... Any opinions as to why I feel so guilty? Its not love - its guilt.
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2354
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You feel guilty because you are married and have feelings for someone else. It's betrayal of the marital bond. Plain and simple.
Put that relationship aside and decide what you want. If it's a divorce, just do it. Don't drag someone through your divorce drama. It's not fair to her.
Get a divorce for the RIGHT reasons.
Being in a relationship during a divorce really complicates things. If your wife finds out, there's going to be hell to pay. Messy divorces cost more.
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xavier
New
Reged: 06/18/08
Posts: 3
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thank you
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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I agree with Sarah - two wrongs don't make a right. It sounds from your post that you need reassurance to go through with it and judging from the little bit you wrote, I'd agree that that is the best route to go. Whatever you do DON'T have an affair. 999-out-of-1000 it will be a temporary "high" with permanent/lasting emotional baggage. Just severe the current relationship completely and then move on with someone else.
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jbar
Platinum
Reged: 12/16/06
Posts: 1076
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===========================================================
Between the summer of 2006 and winter of 2007/2008 - I kept trying to rekindle that part of our relationship. Even went so far as to buy a house with her.
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Has it occured to you that you may have simply been used, financially, by this woman from the start? When you say you "bought a house with her", does this mean you made a substantial down payment toward equity in the house, with money that you worked to earn? If so, then she may have been simply hedging her bets, with a view toward eventual divorce--and with custody of any children, the house and alimony, from the very beginning. This theory is certainly supported by her apparent intense "friendship" with another man.
The apparent fact of your affair, perhaps provoked by her coldness, is understandable under the circumstances.
Edited by jbar (06/19/08 03:54 AM)
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