SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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Our Legal Separation started 6/12/08 after 5 months of divorce hell arguments and fighting over fair terms of separation. For the last 3 months we have lived apart and split our 2.5 year old daughter's time- I get 6 overnights every 14 days. Yet the whole time I was as courteous and loving as possible, telling Ex I would do everything possible to make our marriage work and love her the way she wanted. Went to deaf ears.
That didn't stop her Express Train to freedom and Independence - never questioning her decision or looking back. Now she just told me she bought a house and is moving out within a week or two.
As soon as the separation was signed (and after putting me through hell), she tells me I need to be friendly to her for our daughter's sake.
I lost it - finally the anger that I supressed over the last 5 months came out. I screamed at Ex she has no right to tell me what to do or control our daughter anymore. She is one being selfish and considering her own wants. (She said the marriage ended after our daughter arrived, saying I stopped showing her love - when in fact we both focused on our daughter at the expense of each other). Marriage shouldn't end because of that !!!
How could I be friends after what she did to me and our daughter ? Ex is the one destroying our daughter's future.
If I allow myself to be friends/friendly with Ex then she can walk away from this guilt free and get everything she wants. But I also do not want to be enemies for our daughter's sake. I love my wife and I want to win her back over the next 12 months. I also want to do the best thing for my 2.5 year old daughter. Yet I just told Ex that we cannot be friends after what she did to me - I need time to heal.
What approach do I take to win back my wife ? Should I express my anger now, or do the NC route for a while (except over our daughter) and pretend to be strong and independent ? Or be friends and hope over time she realizes that we should try to work things out.
I know I am in the denial phase - but please allow me that for now - I want to keep the hope for now that things will work out.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 178
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I believe your wife is right about being friendly toward her. Parents are huge influences on their children (for life). My wife is still struggling with issues do to her absentee father. So it's not a matter of who is more important (mom or dad) or who is the better parent. It boils down to married or not what is really best for the children are cooperative parents.
You have every right to express anger at your wife for the things she has done to you and you need to make sure she understands how important you are to your daughter and that she needs to honor her responsibility to show you respect to your daughter as well.
As far as winning her back. She has to give you the opportunity to. Realize that changes you make need to be improvements to yourself not concilatory gestures. If you don't believe in your changes, then they won't last. Also change is a two way street, both people contribute to problems in marriage, so both need to recognize their responsibility and changes that they need to make.
Sorry, lately I've been sounding like a total know-it-all jerk when in reality I am struggling as much as the people I respond too. I'm really expressing things I know I need to do as well. I just wanted to add the disclaimer to let people know I realize the flippant things I say are so much easier to say then do.
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Decided to keep working
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SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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I intend to be friendly at some point - just not sure If I can give STBXW the knowledge that she can get everything in a separation including my friendship - separation just happened against my will just last week - I only expressed my love and anguish during the process - feel like I need to see her vent my anger so she knows how angry I am before I become her well trained ex-puppy.
And I have stepped up to the plate - I am learning how to be a great single dad 6 of every 14 days. I will never allow myself to be an absentee father
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 178
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Yea, didn't mean to imply you would be absentee, also agree no well trained ex-puppy. I like the NC rule when divorce is a foregone conclusion, but I think with kids, it needs to be modified to NEC (No Emotional Contact). It would be nice to limit contact to drop-offs, but there are activities that kids have in which you will be forced to see your Ex (school plays, sporting events etc.) I think the true test of strength and independance is to be able to remain civil (and even friendly) at these types of events even if inside you are dying. I know much easier said then done, but I have witnessed on waaaaay to many occasions parents who ignore each other at these types of events and the confusion it puts into the kids as they struggle with the tension between the two most influential people in their lives it truly breaks my heart. More then anything else it is the motivation for my signature below.
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Decided to keep working
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sandersa
New
Reged: 05/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: KY
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Hey, I'm also struggling with how to act around my stbx-I hate to even call him that! I also do NOT want this divorce! I've done the whole crying, begging, pleading thing with him and he seems emotionless most of the time. I feel crazy because I can't even get angry with him because I hurt & miss him so much! I sometimes feel if I just be me & be nice like we should be to one another then that's best! But that's hard to do, especially when he comes to pick up the girls & just don't want him to leave. The no contact thing would be the best but impossible when kids are involved. He always seems to respond best when I act like I'm doing ok. I hate mind games!! Good luck-your wife should think twice-especially having a young daughter involved and a husband willing to work on the marriage!!
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SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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Thanks - this is the hardest thing I have ever been forced to go through. I've been doing the I love you, begging thing for months... Can't pretend that I don't care and I'll be fine thing...
STBXW bought a house and is moving out Sat 6/28... then I'll be lonely in my house by myself half of the time. I do not want this separation and probable divorce either - just forced into it.
Why Why oh why is this happening ???
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 305
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They Why's are the hardest - I've been wondering why for months - why did my husband of 20 years, have an affair with a 21 year old girl - and take it so far as to really consider leaving me for her? Well I know why he says, he needed his trophy and I had gotten older (38) and gained weight (just lost 51 pounds in 6 months). I am also the breadwinner, the disciplinarian, the house cleaner, the investor, the bill payer - I never had much time for myself.
The why's can kill you. A good friend of mine told me yesterday to bottle up the pain, bury it and mourn. Stop wondering why and wondering what is going to happen next. It's good advice, I laid awake all night last night wondering if this was possible for me to do?
One day at a time - so my why, is why am I so weak that I can't move on from a man who was paralyzed and in the hospital for 3 weeks, who I had to bath (etc) for 3 months, and all the while he was making his re-entrance to work so he could be with a 21 year old janitor?
Sorry, I'm babbling. But you can see as I type the why's are more destructive than a final decision on what to do next.
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sandersa
New
Reged: 05/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: KY
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hey-I'm doing the exact same things-today is horrible-I'm at home with my daughter who's 1 1/2 and I just don't know what to do with us!! I've cried all morning-I miss my husband so much, I feel like I can't even get through the next hour! Then I think how in the hell am I going to get through this forever? Nothing feels like it can make me feel better except for him! I just want him home so bad! I hate feeling like this! I'm thinking constantly of him & wondering does he ever hurt or miss me-last night i called him & just cried to him & poured my heart out & he just listened-never said much-just listened! It was probably the wrong thing to do-I should probably act stronger especially with him-but i just broke-i just had to tell him how i was feeling-i just keep praying he'll change his mind & come back! I cannot fathom life without him! This is making me crazy!!Sorry for the long venting-i just needed to talk to someone who knew how i felt-Thank you!
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SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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Sandersa - we have both learned that life can be very hard - you have to learn perseverence - learn to cope with hard times. Try not to show your emotions in front of your kids - they are not old enough to understand.
I turned to books on spirituality, bible, great father books, etc. They gave me hope and some strength do deal with a situation you cannot control.
How can someone leave when they have kids ? What is the world coming to ? No sense of committment today !!!
Unfortunately, you cannot control the actions, behaviors, and emotions of your Ex. Don't try to - that will just push him away... The only thing you can try to do is "being" the person he fell in love with. Society has it wrong... It's not about "finding the right person" but about "being the right person" for someone else and for yourself (from a Josh McDonall book) So stop trying to convince him to come back, Instead "Be the right person" toward him so he will want to come back. I need to learn how to do that myself - "be the right person" for my wife to want me back.
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sandersa
New
Reged: 05/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: KY
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singledad-that was some of the best advice I've had thus far-it made the most sense to me! Thanks a million!!! I will try to remember that each & every day! I needed that today & will need it tomorrow!
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 299
Loc: NM
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Yep you beat me to it, I thought that Singledad had an excellent post, he was spot-on.
Stop the begging and crying. I truly think that is what saved my marriage. I was in counseling and we were still living together and hadn't told the boys so we would discuss my sessions and talk to hide it all. The boys left on a vacation and I took the advice of this forum and kept it all business. I cracked in one conversation and he tried to hug me and I told him that he couldn't do that anymore. Two days later he asked me back. They have to realize that we will survive AND that they can't have their cake and eat it too.
Great response singledad!
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sandersa
New
Reged: 05/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: KY
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I know that would probably make a differenc if I can just do it.It's so freaking hard to do. I so badly miss him, sometimes it's just difficult to hold it in around him. But-I am going to try! Thanks!
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1338
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I don't think you need to be friends with your daughter's mother. Just civil. Being friends means you share of yourself with them. You don't need to share anything of yourself. Just exchange your daughter civilly, arrange visitation civilly, etc. You don't need to be friends, and your stbx doesn't need to be telling you who you need to be friends with. Whether it's her or someone else.
She wants out? Let her out and shut the door.
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