SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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Our Legal Separation started 6/12/08 after 5 months of divorce hell arguments and fighting over fair terms of separation. For the last 3 months we have lived apart and split our 2.5 year old daughter's time- I get 6 overnights every 14 days. Yet the whole time I was as courteous and loving as possible, telling Ex I would do everything possible to make our marriage work and love her the way she wanted. Went to deaf ears.
That didn't stop her Express Train to freedom and Independence - never questioning her decision or looking back. Now she just told me she bought a house and is moving out within a week or two.
As soon as the separation was signed (and after putting me through hell), she tells me I need to be friendly to her for our daughter's sake.
I lost it - finally the anger that I supressed over the last 5 months came out. I screamed at Ex she has no right to tell me what to do or control our daughter anymore. She is one being selfish and considering her own wants. (She said the marriage ended after our daughter arrived, saying I stopped showing her love - when in fact we both focused on our daughter at the expense of each other). Marriage shouldn't end because of that !!!
How could I be friends after what she did to me and our daughter ? Ex is the one destroying our daughter's future.
If I allow myself to be friends/friendly with Ex then she can walk away from this guilt free and get everything she wants. But I also do not want to be enemies for our daughter's sake. I love my wife and I want to win her back over the next 12 months. I also want to do the best thing for my 2.5 year old daughter. Yet I just told Ex that we cannot be friends after what she did to me - I need time to heal.
What approach do I take to win back my wife ? Should I express my anger now, or do the NC route for a while (except over our daughter) and pretend to be strong and independent ? Or be friends and hope over time she realizes that we should try to work things out.
I know I am in the denial phase - but please allow me that for now - I want to keep the hope for now that things will work out.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3268
Loc: Florida
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Bouncing between being friendly and blowing up angrily isn't going to work in your favor...you need to find a happy medium.
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abbysfv
Platinum
Reged: 02/13/08
Posts: 732
Loc: LA, CA
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The best advise I can give you is to let go of it and not try to win her back. It takes two to make a marriage work. My marriage went south after our daughter was born and I wanted to try to save it. My stbx was already seeing someone else. Point is if she's moved on then there really is nothing you can do about it I'm sorry to say. Just try to be as civil as possible for your daughter's sake. My hat is off to you for having so much time with your two year old.
Good luck.
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My subconscious is smarter.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3501
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I hope the angry tirade wasn't in front of your child.
Second, you can be civil and still not be friends. My ex and I are civil to each other. Fighting only hurts the kids.
As for trying to win her back, you can stay in denial for as long as you want. But that isn't going to change reality. And the longer you stay in denial, the more miserable you are.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Speaking from experience, do the no contact thing. Focus on yourself and your daughter. You'll get better faster.
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Insert witty comment here. 
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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1. Don't even try to win her over. Life's too short.
2. No need to be friends - just be civil.
3. Try to get full custody. Since you're a man and your wife isn't a diagnosed loon, you'll have a better chance at getting struck by lightening 4x and winning the lottery 5x - in one DAY. If nothing else, try to get as much physical custody as possible.
4. In your divorce decree, make sure YOU are the one to claim your daughter as an exemption.
5. Tell your daughter you love her and will always be there for her - whether you tell her in her ear, on the phone, or whatever.
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