My daughter was supposed to spend the summer with her father in Newfoundland since he has moved back there(that's his home and he has moved in with his GF)and hasn't seen her since Nov 4 except for 3 days in April. Then it became the month of July because of commitments our daughter has to 2 elite cheerleading teams she has been accepted to that start in August. I have been waiting for the last several months for arrangements for her travel and information on what she would be doing and what kind of living arrangements were being made for her but still nothing has been done. Last week while I was seeing my lawyer about an upcoming court date for the separation I asked her what I should rightfully expect from my ex in terms of her travelling to see him and then staying there. I was advised to email him and request a departure date, a return date, mode of travel and if she was going to be travelling alone confirmation she would be booked as a minor travelling alone, plus basic information on where she would be staying, the living arrangements and some reassurances about his GF whom I don't even know a full name,age or anything about. I sent this 3 days ago and just now recieved a hostile phone call from the stbx stating how dare I question his parenting skills and our daughter is 13 years old and she will decide when and if she wants to go and she will decide how long she stays and the rest is none of my business. He then left a message for our daughter saying that she is old enough to make her own decisions about when she wants to come and I have no business buting my nose into her trip to see him.
After that my daughter informed me she was going no matter what and it didn't matter what I said because she can make her own decisons. She has even threatened to run away if I make a thing of it with the lawyers and she said if she wanted to leave and he wouldn't let her she would just hitchhike home so I should just accept she can look after herself.
She is thirteen and more able to express herself(most times)but not an adult by any means and I don't know how far to stretch the independence thing. But also keep in mind her father has a permanent frontal lobe head injury and severe PTSD. I suspect he is no longer taking his medications but that is something else he refuses to discuss with me(none of my business). I know his GF's first name and that she has 2 kids. My daughter thinks she might be in her mid 30's and she might share custody with her stbx. Other than that I know nothing about her and I am expected to let my daughter travel 800 miles to live with a stranger and a mentally disabled father with a history of volitilty without even knowing when she might be coming back.
What am supposed to do? Do I pursue a court approved visitation thing before she goes and make things difficult for her(her time is already limited with him because of her cheerleading committments)? Is my judgment being clouded by the hostility I feel towards her father for the abandonment and betrayal with this other woman or am I right to believe I should expect some basic information? I keep asking myself what would he expect if I was living with someone else and she was travelling here and I think he would expect all this and more. In fact I have no doubt he wouldn't think twice about pushing with his lawyer if he thought it would give him an edge.
I just feel bullied by him first and now by my daughter because she has said she feels like I am trying to keep her from going. Since we have never had the first visitation away from me for more than a few hours part of me is afraid she might be right. What do you guys think?
Christine
-------------------- This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
I would get a court order first. Especially one that has a very specific return date. Discuss what your jerk stbx did with your attorney. She will be able to advise you what you can do legally.
Thanks Jada. I guess I have to do that. I just am afraid that when I push for some guidelines before letting my daughter go I am going to alienate her and he is going to encourage that because he has already been showing legal documents from my lawyer to our daughter and saying to her"see what your mother's lawyer is doing". Ijust wanted another take from someone objective to see if I am being overly sensitive about wanting those answers.
Christine
-------------------- This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
I would get a court approved visitation schedule, too. I have the same issue - sending off my 7yo son into a "black hole" this summer. Nothing is arranged, I don't even know where he lives or works (of if he even works), I don't know where my son would be staying, where he would be if stbx is working, etc. My lawyer advised not answering any more demanding text messages about the visit because it needs to be approved by the court. We have no formal visitation agreement yet since stbx has dragged his feet about EVERYTHING in this divorce. yet, he wants all the benefits outright.
Don't get me wrong, I want my son to see his father. I also want to make sure he's safe and well cared for.
Your daughter telling you what she's doing at 13 years old is going to become an even bigger problem at 16 years old. That needs to get nipped in the bud. She can't decide that she's going off on a trip without your permission. If she does those kinds of things, tell her the police will return her to your home as a run-away. Would she maybe listen if the police were involved? My heart goes out to you. I can see myself in this same situation in 6 years or so. It's really tough to keep a reign on kids these days because our culture tells them they're entitled to the world. Parents seem to have no effect any more on kids. It's sad.
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