stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1478
Loc: Texas
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LOL. Found this in a comment by Flint on Kelly Mac's blog (km.adamsspace.com) ...
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Knock knock…
Oh hi, how’s it going? It’s me! Every girl ever. I’m really looking forward to this date. I’m not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.
Let’s start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.
You’ll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There’s my decorative birdcage over there even though I don’t have a bird, and there’s my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don’t know what the hell that’s thing’s all about, but I bought it.
Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn’t it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I [censored] love candles!
Come on into the living room.
Oh, I see you met my cat there. That’s “Freddy Paws Jr.” Why don’t you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he’ll do that. Hey, let’s check out the kitchen.
Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we’re really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.
And check it out, we’re holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That’s to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don’t talk to any of these girls anymore because now they’re all bitches.
Let’s go back into the hallway!
Hey, before we leave I’m going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don’t you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It’s like you’re sitting in a hug! Be right back…
Sorry that took a half an hour, I don’t know what the hell I was doing in there. Let’s go!
Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I’m totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you’re a really good guy because that’s what I want to believe.
Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don’t need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I’ll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He’s a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.
Now let’s talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!
Wow! I can’t believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don’t need a box. Just throw it out.
Hey, I’ve got an idea, let’s go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It’ll be great, it will be just like how we’re drinking here, only it will be louder and we’ll have to stand up. Come on!
See, isn’t this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It’s a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let’s go over there so that they can judge you!
Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine’s so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.
I’m back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.
Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we’re going to do it again sometime! Maybe I’ll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that’s as empty as my soul. Good night!
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2615
Loc: Wisconsin
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That's pretty much exactly what every date I ever had with any woman other than my X was like.
*sigh*
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1478
Loc: Texas
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Yeah, the "cat" thing happened to me once, although, instead of a cat it was a dog with muddy paws. It was definitely an omen to how the rest of the date would go.
Also, after having gone on numerous dates and been married a few times, I now know why women disappear in the bathroom for an ungodly amount of time. Freshen up? Riiigggghhhht.
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cedc
Platinum
Reged: 03/02/07
Posts: 413
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It's like sitting in a hug!
Cool, I thought I was the only one to sit in one of those things. I had the dog thing too. While sitting in the worlds most uncomfortable chair, some kind of Hell hound came over to say Hello and proceded to slober all over me. Awwww,that is sooooooooo cute! Lucifer reallllyyyy likes you!!!! OMG let me take a picture!
I smelled like dog breath for the rest of the night and my left forearm itched for two days.
Like any dazed schoolboy I was mesmerized by her perfect cans and called her again. Damn I hate that dog.
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Never,ever again.
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1478
Loc: Texas
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LMAO!
I was wiping muddy dog prints off my pants the whole night. I worked in the same place as the woman, so I just thanked her after the date and got the begeebers outta there as quick as I could.
I also had one of those dates where the woman couldn't make up her freakin mind what to order, and when she did, it happened to be one of the more expensive things on the menu. Of course, like the woman in the story above, she just hen-pecked at it the whole night instead of eating it. I'd have saved myself a few bucks by just bringing along a bag of corn nuts for her to ingest instead.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 144
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote]LOL. Found this in a comment by Flint on Kelly Mac's blog (km.adamsspace.com) ... [/quote]
Now someone has to help scrape me off the floor and wipe the tears of ROTFLMFAO. If I divorce or otherwise find myself single, is this what might happen???
And HK, let's just bury the hatchett. We're all part of the humanity of man, and we need to unite. I'm really not an angry person, no more than the buttstick that cuts you off in traffic. It's just that I'm sick and tired of being "fixed" and yes nagged over sh*t that is totally useless.
Cool?
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This Too Shall Pass
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 144
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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And now for some of my more hilarious stuff....
AREA HUSBAND PRETENDS TO GIVE A SHIT
Attempting to pacify his wife Jena's incessant desire for verbal interaction, area husband Chris Woodman pretended to give a shit Tuesday as his wife of six years initiated and dominated a series of prolonged dialogues regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant subjects.
According to Woodman, the thoroughly pointless conversation - which comprehensively detailed his wife's work day, lunch experience, plans for the evening and friend's relationship difficulties - took place in the living room of the couple's Lafayette home at approximately 6 p.m., shortly after Woodman began watching television in an effort to unwind from work. "I love my wife, but Jesus, does she like to talk sometimes," said Woodman, 30, who works as a field technician for a local civil engineering firm. "I wanted to just come home [from work] and chill out for awhile, but Jena immediately launches into these long, boring stories about what happened at work and what's going on with a friend of hers and a bunch of other stuff. I just tried to act like I was paying attention and hoped it wouldn't go on too long."
Occasionally retorting with such all-purpose conversation perpetuators as "That's nice, honey" and "No kidding? Huh," Woodman pretended to give a shit about his wife's exhaustively detailed personal accounts until just after 6:45 p.m., when Jena was forced to interrupt the one-sided exchange to receive a telephone call from her longtime friend Nelly Smith.
"Saved by the bell, I guess you'd say," Woodman jokingly explained, adding that he used the brief interruption to exit the room and seek solace behind some cardboard boxes in the basement, where he remained for several hours. Woodman acknowledged that although the lengthy, expendable conversation depleted a good amount of his after-work leisure time, the 45 minutes spent maintaining a convincing, give-a-shit veneer was not a complete waste. "I was able to give some thought to a few things I hadn't had time for," said Woodman, who admitted to mentally drifting "light-years away" from his wife's inane banter. "While Jena was busy carrying on about God-knows-what, I was trying to figure out the significance of a couple of scenes from the movie Memento, which we had rented a few nights back. I think I've got most of [the plot] figured out now."
In addition to analyzing the storyline of the 2001 feature, Woodman mentally planned the couple's upcoming camping trip and also reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in Las Vegas - all the while remembering to nod, say "Yeah," and display other characteristics indicative of a person who is giving a shit. Woodman said he often pretends to give a shit about what his wife says. "Somebody - a guy - once told me that women tend to work things out in their heads by talking things out, so most of the time it isn't really necessary to listen to everything a woman says," said Woodman. "It's been my experience that the theory usually holds true. So I tend to just keep my mouth shut and let her talk herself out." Added Woodman: "Besides, if something's really important to her, I'll pick up on it right away because she'll be yelling. Then it's time to get involved in what I'm sure she feels is an extremely important conversation."
After six years of marriage, Woodman said he feels that his willingness to pretend to give a shit about what his wife says is vital to the health of their relationship. "If I didn't sit there in total silence, staring off into the distance but occasionally grunting out an 'Oh yeah?' or a "No kidding,' Jena would probably start to think we have a communication problem," said Woodman. "Sure, I could just walk out of the room when she starts barking out her meaningless ramblings, but that would be equivalent to just coming right out and saying that she's boring me." "I pretend to give a shit because I care," Woodman added.
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This Too Shall Pass
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1478
Loc: Texas
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I'd laugh hysterically, but this is almost a reality for me every day I come home from work. As soon as I step my foot in the door, I know the next 10-15 mins will be filled with non-stop "static".
Ladies, do us men a favor and just STFU for the first hour or so after we get home from work, unless it is something of the utmost importance. Going into every excruciating detail about some nonsensical sh*t that happened to you during the day the minute we come home from work is going to be met with a blank stare (at best) AND ABSOLUTELY NO COMPREHENSION OF WHAT YOU SAID THE SECOND YOUR MOUTH DECIDES TO SHUT. I know you need to unload all your emotions in order to "feel good", but men need the exact opposite for the first hour or so.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 144
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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You got that right! Sometimes I shut down to the point where I can't handle another word. I retire to my office and if I'm lucky I get to decompress for awhile before the next nag or useless drivle finds me.
I'm sitting here, by myself, on this BB and feeling like there's others out there I can identify with. Meanwhile I'm IMing with a friend of mine who's deep in the World Series of Poker and I'm trying to keep his head level under the most excrutiating pressure you can imagine. And I got an hour before I pick my daughter up from summer camp and it's 107 today.
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This Too Shall Pass
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 796
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Your posts make me want to consider never dating or speaking to another man ever again!
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