stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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LOL. Found this in a comment by Flint on Kelly Mac's blog (km.adamsspace.com) ...
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Knock knock…
Oh hi, how’s it going? It’s me! Every girl ever. I’m really looking forward to this date. I’m not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.
Let’s start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.
You’ll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There’s my decorative birdcage over there even though I don’t have a bird, and there’s my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don’t know what the hell that’s thing’s all about, but I bought it.
Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn’t it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I [censored] love candles!
Come on into the living room.
Oh, I see you met my cat there. That’s “Freddy Paws Jr.” Why don’t you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he’ll do that. Hey, let’s check out the kitchen.
Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we’re really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.
And check it out, we’re holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That’s to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don’t talk to any of these girls anymore because now they’re all bitches.
Let’s go back into the hallway!
Hey, before we leave I’m going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don’t you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It’s like you’re sitting in a hug! Be right back…
Sorry that took a half an hour, I don’t know what the hell I was doing in there. Let’s go!
Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I’m totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you’re a really good guy because that’s what I want to believe.
Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don’t need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I’ll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He’s a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.
Now let’s talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!
Wow! I can’t believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don’t need a box. Just throw it out.
Hey, I’ve got an idea, let’s go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It’ll be great, it will be just like how we’re drinking here, only it will be louder and we’ll have to stand up. Come on!
See, isn’t this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It’s a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let’s go over there so that they can judge you!
Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine’s so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.
I’m back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.
Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we’re going to do it again sometime! Maybe I’ll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that’s as empty as my soul. Good night!
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2764
Loc: Wisconsin
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That's pretty much exactly what every date I ever had with any woman other than my X was like.
*sigh*
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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Yeah, the "cat" thing happened to me once, although, instead of a cat it was a dog with muddy paws. It was definitely an omen to how the rest of the date would go.
Also, after having gone on numerous dates and been married a few times, I now know why women disappear in the bathroom for an ungodly amount of time. Freshen up? Riiigggghhhht.
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cedc
Platinum
Reged: 03/02/07
Posts: 611
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It's like sitting in a hug!
Cool, I thought I was the only one to sit in one of those things. I had the dog thing too. While sitting in the worlds most uncomfortable chair, some kind of Hell hound came over to say Hello and proceded to slober all over me. Awwww,that is sooooooooo cute! Lucifer reallllyyyy likes you!!!! OMG let me take a picture!
I smelled like dog breath for the rest of the night and my left forearm itched for two days.
Like any dazed schoolboy I was mesmerized by her perfect cans and called her again. Damn I hate that dog.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.-George Carlin
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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LMAO!
I was wiping muddy dog prints off my pants the whole night. I worked in the same place as the woman, so I just thanked her after the date and got the begeebers outta there as quick as I could.
I also had one of those dates where the woman couldn't make up her freakin mind what to order, and when she did, it happened to be one of the more expensive things on the menu. Of course, like the woman in the story above, she just hen-pecked at it the whole night instead of eating it. I'd have saved myself a few bucks by just bringing along a bag of corn nuts for her to ingest instead.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 190
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote]LOL. Found this in a comment by Flint on Kelly Mac's blog (km.adamsspace.com) ... [/quote]
Now someone has to help scrape me off the floor and wipe the tears of ROTFLMFAO. If I divorce or otherwise find myself single, is this what might happen???
And HK, let's just bury the hatchett. We're all part of the humanity of man, and we need to unite. I'm really not an angry person, no more than the buttstick that cuts you off in traffic. It's just that I'm sick and tired of being "fixed" and yes nagged over sh*t that is totally useless.
Cool?
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This Too Shall Pass
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 190
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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And now for some of my more hilarious stuff....
AREA HUSBAND PRETENDS TO GIVE A SHIT
Attempting to pacify his wife Jena's incessant desire for verbal interaction, area husband Chris Woodman pretended to give a shit Tuesday as his wife of six years initiated and dominated a series of prolonged dialogues regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant subjects.
According to Woodman, the thoroughly pointless conversation - which comprehensively detailed his wife's work day, lunch experience, plans for the evening and friend's relationship difficulties - took place in the living room of the couple's Lafayette home at approximately 6 p.m., shortly after Woodman began watching television in an effort to unwind from work. "I love my wife, but Jesus, does she like to talk sometimes," said Woodman, 30, who works as a field technician for a local civil engineering firm. "I wanted to just come home [from work] and chill out for awhile, but Jena immediately launches into these long, boring stories about what happened at work and what's going on with a friend of hers and a bunch of other stuff. I just tried to act like I was paying attention and hoped it wouldn't go on too long."
Occasionally retorting with such all-purpose conversation perpetuators as "That's nice, honey" and "No kidding? Huh," Woodman pretended to give a shit about his wife's exhaustively detailed personal accounts until just after 6:45 p.m., when Jena was forced to interrupt the one-sided exchange to receive a telephone call from her longtime friend Nelly Smith.
"Saved by the bell, I guess you'd say," Woodman jokingly explained, adding that he used the brief interruption to exit the room and seek solace behind some cardboard boxes in the basement, where he remained for several hours. Woodman acknowledged that although the lengthy, expendable conversation depleted a good amount of his after-work leisure time, the 45 minutes spent maintaining a convincing, give-a-shit veneer was not a complete waste. "I was able to give some thought to a few things I hadn't had time for," said Woodman, who admitted to mentally drifting "light-years away" from his wife's inane banter. "While Jena was busy carrying on about God-knows-what, I was trying to figure out the significance of a couple of scenes from the movie Memento, which we had rented a few nights back. I think I've got most of [the plot] figured out now."
In addition to analyzing the storyline of the 2001 feature, Woodman mentally planned the couple's upcoming camping trip and also reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in Las Vegas - all the while remembering to nod, say "Yeah," and display other characteristics indicative of a person who is giving a shit. Woodman said he often pretends to give a shit about what his wife says. "Somebody - a guy - once told me that women tend to work things out in their heads by talking things out, so most of the time it isn't really necessary to listen to everything a woman says," said Woodman. "It's been my experience that the theory usually holds true. So I tend to just keep my mouth shut and let her talk herself out." Added Woodman: "Besides, if something's really important to her, I'll pick up on it right away because she'll be yelling. Then it's time to get involved in what I'm sure she feels is an extremely important conversation."
After six years of marriage, Woodman said he feels that his willingness to pretend to give a shit about what his wife says is vital to the health of their relationship. "If I didn't sit there in total silence, staring off into the distance but occasionally grunting out an 'Oh yeah?' or a "No kidding,' Jena would probably start to think we have a communication problem," said Woodman. "Sure, I could just walk out of the room when she starts barking out her meaningless ramblings, but that would be equivalent to just coming right out and saying that she's boring me." "I pretend to give a shit because I care," Woodman added.
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This Too Shall Pass
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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I'd laugh hysterically, but this is almost a reality for me every day I come home from work. As soon as I step my foot in the door, I know the next 10-15 mins will be filled with non-stop "static".
Ladies, do us men a favor and just STFU for the first hour or so after we get home from work, unless it is something of the utmost importance. Going into every excruciating detail about some nonsensical sh*t that happened to you during the day the minute we come home from work is going to be met with a blank stare (at best) AND ABSOLUTELY NO COMPREHENSION OF WHAT YOU SAID THE SECOND YOUR MOUTH DECIDES TO SHUT. I know you need to unload all your emotions in order to "feel good", but men need the exact opposite for the first hour or so.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 190
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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You got that right! Sometimes I shut down to the point where I can't handle another word. I retire to my office and if I'm lucky I get to decompress for awhile before the next nag or useless drivle finds me.
I'm sitting here, by myself, on this BB and feeling like there's others out there I can identify with. Meanwhile I'm IMing with a friend of mine who's deep in the World Series of Poker and I'm trying to keep his head level under the most excrutiating pressure you can imagine. And I got an hour before I pick my daughter up from summer camp and it's 107 today.
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This Too Shall Pass
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 962
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Your posts make me want to consider never dating or speaking to another man ever again!
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 190
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote]Your posts make me want to consider never dating or speaking to another man ever again! [/quote]
I'm sorry you feel this way but this is a men's rights thread. We like to talk and confer and commiserate. Some of us even need to vent. So the problem is.....?
BTW, whether you choose to date, speak to, or share air with a man is your inalienable right. Do whatever you need to do.
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This Too Shall Pass
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 962
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My reply was to Stoltz not you. So spare me your crapola ok? Besides the category is not men's only! You act like I wandered into the men's restroom or a private club. This is a public forum and I can post what I want where I want.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 190
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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[quote]My reply was to Stoltz not you. So spare me your crapola ok? Besides the category is not men's only! You act like I wandered into the men's restroom or a private club. This is a public forum and I can post what I want where I want. [/quote]
Sorry. Your post (06/24/08 07:58 PM) was directly below mine so it seemed logical to assume that you had a problem with what I said, not Stoltz. If you directly quote someone then it leaves no doubt. Should be clear about that
Realizing it's a free country there is nothing preventing you from saying what you want as long as it's not offensive. This is guaranteed by the first amendment of the US constitution. But I'm sure you knew that.
However, spare me your crapola because this thread is entitled "men's rights". Its about as close to a "men's forum" there seems to be. Your attitude that "you can post wherever and whenever you want reeks of why men need to vent in a place they can call their own. With me so far?
Is respecting a man's right to do so something you can't possibly allow? Is that why you're here cause you wouldn't give your man any f*cking space?
Wake up. And please stay out of the men's restroom.
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This Too Shall Pass
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jbar
Platinum
Reged: 12/16/06
Posts: 1076
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"There were scenes over my giving orders to my own kids. There were scenes about whether or not to open the windows. There were scenes about whether I should "bother" her with kisses while she tried to "get things done". There were groans about me taking the car she drove and was used to having the car. It was a generally uncomfortable, difficult and unhappy life. She made it endlessly plain that I was a 'fly in the ointment'. She wanted to run the place alone. I "spoiled everything", as she put it.
She had simply gotten to enjoy her status as head of the household and possessor of the car, without any husband 'under foot' - and she was unhappy with me there. I slept on the couch.
I was hurt, deeply and miserably. Then I found out that she was also angry at me for being still in my own 'home'.
I wrote and asked Judy for a divorce. She promptly and curtly replied that she would give it to me provided 'only' that she would be assured of steady and plentiful alimony: Four hundred dollars a month was what she demanded!" (*)
...George Lincoln Rockwell
* probably around $3-4K today
Edited by jbar (06/25/08 04:00 AM)
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2039
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Knock, knock...
"C'mon into my man cave.
Careful where you step, I haven't cleaned for a while and my dogs don't like to go out in winter.
You'll notice that I'm good at home decorating. I have a large screen teevee in every room. Take a seat, but not in the recliner rocker. That's mine and I never get out of it if I can help it. See it's got beer can holders in both arms? How handy is that?
Time for dinner. The kitchen's over there. Help yourself to making something...for both of us of course. While you're up, how about getting me another Duff from the refrigerator?
While you're up, you might need to open the window too. That chilli dog I had today has been repeating on me ever since. Man I've got gas. Did I tell you I've got gas?
Wanna go to bed with me? You go first. I'll be right up. I just have a whole lot of teevee to watch first. And a few dozen beers to get in me too. Hope you don't mind snoring. Or a bit of gas.
Actually that bed really does need a good woman...to wash the sheets. Maybe you could do that first? And while you're doing that, you could wash all the socks and underwear you see on the bedroom floor. That's where I like to leave 'em. Easy to find next day or next week. Sometimes I just turn 'em inside out and wear 'em again if I don't get to do the laundry that month.
You're not staying? What'd I do? Geez, there's no pleasing a woman."
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 190
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Guys I'm sorry. These ______ (fill in the blank) just want to follow me around and invade my and our space under the guise of being able to go anywhere. They seem to be obsessive. I'm afraid I've earned their ire for the rest of my life here on this board.
Looks like there is life on Mars after all.
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This Too Shall Pass
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2764
Loc: Wisconsin
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[quote] HK, let's just bury the hatchett. We're all part of the humanity of man, and we need to unite. I'm really not an angry person, no more than the buttstick that cuts you off in traffic. It's just that I'm sick and tired of being "fixed" and yes nagged over sh*t that is totally useless.
Cool? [/quote]
In the time honored manner of men everywhere, consider the hatchet buried. We've got to much other crap goin' on to be pissin' on at each other. Can we have a beer now? There's boxing on teevee. Want a cigar?
BTW, have you noticed that malone has been over to my house?
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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Your posts make me want to consider never dating or speaking to another man ever again!
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Why is that? Would you rather a man tell you lies about how he wants nothing more than to listen endlessly to stuff that in reality bores the crap outta him? Sure, there are men who can and do listen to women talk endlessly about every little minute detail about something when the same thing can be said in two sentences, but I would venture to guess they are probably 2-3% of the heterosexual male population.
I'm not saying this to be mean - IT'S THE FRIGGIN TRUTH! Men's brains just aren't hardwired to sit and listen ad nauseum to a women talk in detail about things that could easily be said in 15 seconds. It's the same with shopping ... Women can spend literally HOURS in *ONE* store looking over every little item. Men, OTOH, go to a store with a predefined purpose, so in most instances, we go in, go to the item(s), decide whether or not to buy them, and leave.
Again, this isn't to be mean or spiteful - it's so that women can understand we are NOT like them when it comes to those things, so don't expect us to be perfectly tuned into your conversations the minute we come home from work. In all honesty, I think most men would agree that the thing they want to do the minute they come home from work is to sit down and vegetate for a good 20-30 mins. Meaning, no excessive (or ANY) dialog, unless it is an emergency. Just give us the friggin remote and let us flip channels aimlessly until we can unwind. I'm sure you'll find afterward we will be a LOT more tuned into your needs afterward.
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2764
Loc: Wisconsin
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[quote] In all honesty, I think most men would agree that the thing they want to do the minute they come home from work is to sit down and vegetate for a good 20-30 mins. Meaning, no excessive (or ANY) dialog, unless it is an emergency. Just give us the friggin remote and let us flip channels aimlessly until we can unwind. I'm sure you'll find afterward we will be a LOT more tuned into your needs afterward. [/quote]
I'm gonna hafta side with the woman haters club on this one. If my wife could have done what stoltz just posted, there's honestly a fairly good chance we might still be married (me and my wife, not me and stoltz).
PLEASE.
Just STFU for a few minutes, let me get the burgers on the grill and some dinner in my empty belly, and then we can talk, OK?
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cedc
Platinum
Reged: 03/02/07
Posts: 611
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Blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah Dinner,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah Money blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah SEX blah,blah,blah,blah,My Mother is coming over blah,blah,....wha?? D'oh!!!! blah,blah.............
Sound Familiar? He's not being mean,just honest. Ladies,give a guy 30 minutes and then we are all ears. If not we won't hear,or care, what you say for the rest of the night.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.-George Carlin
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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If not we won't hear,or care, what you say for the rest of the night.
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To go one step further, I think this tends to lead to a lot of arguments that can quickly dissolve a marriage (see HK's post). My current wife is the epitamy of a woman who cannot shut her trap. Worse, she has to go through every frigging detail about something that is ridiculously meaningless (to me, a man). Here's a typical dialog THE MINUTE I STEP INSIDE THE HOUSE FROM WORK:
Wife: Oh my God! I saw Mrs. Jones today walking her dog. You know, the one with the black spots that always likes to piss on our yard? ...
Me: Uh-huh.
Wife: ... The dog that blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah? ...
Me: Yeah.
Wife: ... Well, she was walking her dog earlier (Me: You just frigging said that!) and she stops in front of our house. Lo-and-behold the dog takes another wizz on our lawn. Can you believe that? ...
Me: You don't ...
Wife (not letting me even get my words out): I was like "Again?!?!" So, I was about to go outside and confront her about it, but the phone range and it was my mom. Oh my God. You won't believe what happened.
Me (hearing nothing but ocean waves): What?
Wife: Well, she told me ... (another long, boring, ridiculous, nonsensical story that wastes about 5-10 mins of my life).
Me: Wow. Really? Well, I gotta go to the can.
(three hours later - not that I'm on the can that long, but later in the evening) ...
Wife: So, what do you think my mom should do?
Me: About what?
Wife: About what I told you earlier?
Me: Refresh my memory.
Wife: I swear you never listen to me!
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cedc
Platinum
Reged: 03/02/07
Posts: 611
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You hear ocean waves??? Nice! The only thing I could conjour up to black out the endless blabbering was an old German chainsaw that was about to throw a rod.
Remember the drinking bird toy? Ya filled it up with water,gave it a nudge and it would just move back and forth on and on and on? Well, that was my head,as soon as I walked in the door while firing up that mental chainsaw.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.-George Carlin
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 962
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This one is for you "need to be nagged to death"...I totally get why your wife nags you. Maybe you should pick a life partner by what you have in common instead of the size of her waist and her breasts.
As for this being the men's room it certainly is full of shit!
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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What makes things worse (if that's even possible) is that whenever *I* have something to say, she wants me to spit it out in three words or less.
Another thing that bugs me to no end is when they call you at work and either (1) do the same thing (that is, talk endlessly about something idiotic) or (2) have absolutely NOTHING to say.
My first two wives would call me 3-5x per day just "to talk about whatever." I'd have to set aside my "work brain" and put on my "spouse listening brain", which usually consisted of listening to the same ocean waves, and then put my "work brain" back on (as best I could) after the conversation ended. Maybe women are good at switching back-n-forth quickly, but I gotta tell you it's hard to do for a man. And women, please don't call us at work just to say "Whatcha doing?" WTF?!?!? I'm working - you know, trying to make money so you can stay at home to call me and ask silly questions.
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cedc
Platinum
Reged: 03/02/07
Posts: 611
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How is being honest full of shit? If we come home and hang on every blessed word you say and tell you exactly what you want to hear THEN we are being full of shit. I just worked 10 hours,sat in God awful traffic,I'm hungry and the kids and I have to be at Karate in 10 minutes AND the kids didn't do their homework yet.( Tell me again what you do all day, certainly wasn't housework) I could give a flyin fart that Joan across the street just planted a fig tree.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.-George Carlin
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abbysfv
Platinum
Reged: 02/13/08
Posts: 732
Loc: LA, CA
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Some of you guys just need to go gay already. Geez
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My subconscious is smarter.
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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>>>>> "Some of you guys just need to go gay already. Geez"
Actually going "gay" would mean we would be MORE "tuned in" when a woman talks. Fugitaboutit.
Also, notice how it's always the MAN that needs to change?
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abbysfv
Platinum
Reged: 02/13/08
Posts: 732
Loc: LA, CA
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You're on my ignore list so I can't read your response but I'm sure it was a good one.
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My subconscious is smarter.
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2039
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[quote]Guys I'm sorry. These ______ (fill in the blank) just want to follow me around and invade my and our space under the guise of being able to go anywhere. They seem to be obsessive. I'm afraid I've earned their ire for the rest of my life here on this board.
Looks like there is life on Mars after all. [/quote]
If you read who my reply was to, it was to Stolz and his original post, not you. His post was interesting, not yours. To his post I replied with a joke. People around here do take the time to joke with each other. It had nothing to do with you.
HK, was that really your house I went to? I don't believe it for a minute. I thought YOU cooked ME dinner! And your amrchair didn't have cupholders!
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2509
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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[quote]LOL. Found this in a comment by Flint on Kelly Mac's blog (km.adamsspace.com) ...
[/quote]
stoltz,
i know im a girl, so i hope it's okay that im answering this.
but your original post is HILARIOUS and most likely far too true!
i was lmao!
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taryn.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 190
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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