Divorce Support Forums: kids event with stbx and clothing..

If it's stuff they have, send it. If it's stuff they don't have, tell him in advance.

And this even applies to STUFF, not just clothing. Example... our kids' birth mother decided she didn't want the kids going on vacation with us. They were old enough to pack for themselves. She wouldn't allow them to remove their suitcases. She was read the riot act by the various persons who heard about this who were in a position to say something to her (mediators, her own lawyer, etc). We tried not to make an issue of it & kept it quiet, just went out & bought a whole new wardrobe for them as if it was normal (despite that we coudlnt' afford it and she was still demanding we pay more $$ for extras that she wanted, she was making us pay for new clothing just because she COULD... as wrong as it was, she COULD ... of course when she got down to brass tacks & demanding more money from us in a formal way, the judge saw what a waste of $$ she makes on a daily basis and did not allow her anything near what she wanted, just awarded her what we thought was appropriate). We are now being used by the therapist as an example of what to do to solve tough problems when kids are watching & bound to be upset at the whole thing... for quietly providing new wardrobes for them for their vacations.

Second example: Another vacation. To a beach. Mom has all the toys at her house because Dad agreed that it was OK for the kids to decide where the stuff should go. Dad tells the kids wehre to get the boogie boards & other beach things they want. Kids are afraid to dare to try to take the stuff out of thier house. THey've not used it at all in more than 3 years (since separation), but afraid to take it. It's thiers, but apparently Mama hasn't explained to them that it's thier right to take it with them when they go to visit Dad (or on vacation with Dad). They're sitting in her garage, collecting dust, as poorly cared for as all the other trash she insisted on keeping... and visible to us when we arrived to pick them up for the vacation. Nevertheless, we went & bought new for the kids, despite that it made the price of the vacation higher than necessary (we're never going to use boogie boards or skim boards on our own!... we're old farts more likely to take long walks holding hands in the surf, then to be found trying to compete with the kids on techniques of how to best speed along the top of it.)

Now we complain about this stuff BECAUSE the mother has it in her house avaialable to her and she selfishly and vindictively refuses to let the kids use it if it means they might have fun with us (despite that she had promised exactly that when she got Dad to let her keep the stuff at her house). If the kids simply didn't have something and we knew it, we'd have no problem buying it for them, ourselves.

For our wedding, the boys had no jackets and the girl had no nice dress. I am kind of shocked at the type of family that gets to this age (high school dances, graduations accomplished & attended, church confirmations & etc within the year before the wedding)... without a single nice thing to wear, but that's the way it was... We bought a jacket for one of the boys, let the other use his Dad's, and got a pretty new dress for the girl. The clothing has all since migrated to Mom's house and we've accepted that we'll never see it again. But there are no more weddings in our future and I suppose it's OK if we never take the kids to things where they have to dress nicely for (I'm SURE it's going to be fine with the kids if we never take them to anything like that).

Fro anything we ever wanted to do with the kids, take them to or whatever, there's no way we'd complain about buying them something new if they didn't already have it.

Taryn, tell your stbx that you can send X's little pink dress and Y's good little suit that he wore for his last special event, but that you don't have a tie for Y, no suit at all for Z to wear and X doesn't have shoes, so he'll have to get that stuff. If he complains, offer to pack whatever he remembers of thier good clothing from their closets, but tell him that you're not shopping for new stuff for you to pay out of your budget for events that HE wants the kids to go to. If he wants an event, if he wants specific clothing, he needs to take the trouble and organize the event, pay for it, shop for the appropriate clothing, etc. That's part of being a parent.

Dont' let him make you feel guilty about this. You can't afford all kinds of great stuff for them right now and that's HIS fault for having a woman move in with him and not requiring her to pay rent to you for living in a house you still own half of... it's HIS fault for not agreeing to the details of the divorce settlement, or being reasonable about his own work and support. It's his own darned fault that you can't afford to go to or dress the kdis for nice events any more. You're frustrated at them not being able to go to the camps & such that their friends go to that YOU would like them to go to... and having to buy them the clothing that HE wants them to wear is one step too far for you to have to worry about.