SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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I am tired of getting so much advice to move on and find someone else after separation.
Marriage is a committment. With children, there is also a committment to them. Marriage can be rocky, marriage is not always fun, marriage can be alot of hard work, sometimes one or the other spouse may feel out of love with the other. 50% of marriages end in divorce. 60% of all children will see their natural parents divorce before they reach adulthood. Why do so many people give the advice to just give up when their spouse wants out - to just "go out and have fun for yourself".
What ever happened to doing everything you can to make things work ? If your love your spouse you should do everything you can to make things work, especially when kids are involved. Sure, you can try to start all over again with someone new - but chances are you will have the same issues with someone new 60% of second marriages also end in divorce.
My STBXW and I do have many issues and conflicts to resolve. But I love her. I love my daughter. Deep down, I believe she loves me (and wishes I could be more understanding and emotionallly and spiritually connected to her) and did tell me once during this divorce that I should be fighting for the one I love. I also cannot comprehend the challenges in a life of passing our daughter back and forth between us for the next 15 years. Seems to me, that it would be so much easier to battle the odds and win back my wife's love. It wasn't very long ago that she was fighting to save our marriage when I was blind and not understanding our our issues. Now that the reality of a what a life would be like without my wife and with 50% of the time with my daughter, I understand what my wife meant.
I have learned many lessions.
Nothing is more important than my daughter. I am learning what is is like to be a dedicated loving father.
I will do anything to make my family whole again.
I have learned what it means to listen to my wife. before I was just hearing her - knowing the words she was saying. But that was not listening - listening is understanding what she is saying, empathizing with her, knowing how she is feeling, and being connected to her feelings.
I thought that I was unhapppy with my marriage. But I did not know what happpiness was until I felt the anguish of being separated from my wife and daughter. All I remember is how happy and content I was with my life. Marriage is not a fairytale, times are not always good, but there are enough good times and good reasons to stay married - sometimes you may need to just savor the little moments to see the truth.
I have 12 months to try to re-connect with my wife - which I believe is why the separation rules exist. Maybe it will not result in staying married. Maybe we will be good friends. Maybe we could have a better marriage than it was before.
Why is it wrong to try ? Why is it wrong to keep the hope ? And, of course, for all you pundants out their, yes I also have to do it for myself to be strong and realize that there is also a probability that divorce is eminent. But how can I live with myself if I don't try ?
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1259
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I think it's great you want to try! Every marriage should try to be saved. However, both parties need to try. It's never going to work if only one spouse is trying. If you find you're the only one trying, it will answer your questions as to whether or not your marriage can be saved. I hope to God it can, because the kids really do suffer in the end.
By being on your own, and finding your own strength, it could attract your wife back to you. I pray it all goes well for you.
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SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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gg - I apppreciate your support. It may not work. STBXW thinks I am the one with the problems and she will not change herself. I am left with two possibilities one being remote: Either be or become the person she wants and try to save the marriage over the next 12 months or adjust to the life as a SingleDad. Neither option is optimal. But I do see now what she was needing from our marriage and I was not satisfying her emotional connection needs. I have reconciled to myself that I would prefer to be given another chance to meet her emotional needs etc than to go through the hardship of being without my daughter half of the time... the question is, will she over time soften her heart and let a friendship re-build...only time will tell, but I will make that effort because it is worth it.
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 708
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I pray for your situationto be resolved in something other than divorce, it is gut wrenching, heart breaking, and you just think you feel anguish now. I was you 10 months ago, no seperation rule here wish there was. Now I'm divorced from the only woman I have ever loved. When it was all said and done, I told her "I wish you had fought as hard for our marriage as you did for our divorce". As GG said it will take two, no matter what someone says you cannot do it on your own. Lord knows I tried. My advice though is to keep trying but to not become a "yes" man or a doormat in your pursuit of reclaiming your love.
Again thoughts and prayers are with you my friend and I am truely sorry you are in the position you are.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 173
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SingleDad,
"Moving on" doesn't always mean: "resolve yourself to divorce". Sometimes it means moving on from a relationship that wasn't working and growing into a more healthy one. The caveat being that two people are needed for the latter. If she wants to stay married to you, then I believe you should continue to try to build that emotional connection. It sounded like she wanted to divorce, but continue to have you as a source of support. I think that is why you got the advise to move on and avoid contact. Because most people here interpreted her terms as: you - doormat, her - cake and eat it too.
One red flag that I see is the idea that you aren't meeting her emotional needs. If you love her and support her the way you say you do, then what needs is she talking about? It is likely that she needs to get in touch with her emotions and that the two of you need to learn how to communicate your emotions to each other. Someone quoted on one of these threads something to the affect that we need to stop looking for the right person and start being the right person, another way of putting it is that you need to love yourself before you can love somebody else. It is likely that you aren't so much to blame for her lack of emotional satisfaction, but that she needs to learn how to gain emotional satisfaction from within. You can help this by expressing to her the things that you recognize in her that make your marriage to her so important.
As far as winning her back, changes are good as long as they are true to who you are fundementally, and eventually she will need to recognize the changes she needs to make within herself. She WILL need to make changes and recognize her part in the problems in your marriage, otherwise she will never find the emotional satisfaction she is looking for, with you or anyone else.
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Decided to keep working
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 292
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I couldn't agree with you more "marriage is hard - but it is worth it!!!". My husband had an affair - he has come home (after coming and going and coming and going). I want him there more than anything in this world but I can't stop fighting with him about the why's and how's and how comes. The fighting has gotten to be worse now than when the affair came to light. I get so angry, and tell him I hate him and want him to leave - and then I can't believe I said that. As I type here today, I've officially done it again - he's so angry with me...He doesn't want to even talk to me. I don't know how it happens or why (sometimes alcohol is the culprit sometimes not). Anyone have any advice on how to get to the other side of crazy?
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1300
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Quote:
Every marriage should try to be saved. However, both parties need to try.
I figured out the hard way I was the only one trying when I was given the papers. I agree marriage is hard and it is worth it, that is if both parties are trying. If your the only one putting in the effort then you need to bail out and if your a guy then you better have your ducks in a row or your going to get the shaft.
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SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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I am the one who said it is about "being the right person" for yourself and for someone else, not "finding the right person".
I like your words that "moving on" doe not mean "resolve yourself to divorce". Yes I know that is certain if nothing can be done and she does not change her mind.
STBXW would complain that I did not understand her emotional, spiritual and physical needs, but would not tell me what I needed to change to meet them. It was something she left for me to figure out. I presume it is something she got from Oprah - she's an Oprah fan. Anyway I did not know what to do... I was on autopilot. But now I understand for the most part.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 299
Loc: NM
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Dang, I really like you, I think that you are getting your sh*t together. Hindsight is 20/20 and it is easy to miss what you had, while when you had it, not miss it at all. I hope that you are lucky enough to have picked a woman that will see all of that also. Best wishes to you.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 299
Loc: NM
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Bite your tongue hun, if you really want this to work out. YOu will run him off faster than anything with the continual fights. On "normal" days talk to him, explain how crazy the emotions are. I went thru this too. I tried very hard to just explain before I exploded. He is the one that screwed up, he needs to have some patience if he really wants it. Keep your calm, talk, talk, talk.....in a calm matter.
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