happytobdivorced
Platinum
Reged: 03/15/07
Posts: 1057
Loc: Hell, USA
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I hope I don't upset any of you newbies to the forum-I know your pain is great right now. But I need to ask for some input from the forum on this nagging question I have in my brain.
I am hoping the answers I get will help me to let go of this junk cluttering up my brain.
I can't help but feel like my life is over. I spent 16yrs of my life with one man, had a child and we were a family. I am too old to start over-no more children for me. I am too old to put up with other people's children-so no step parenting for me. I don't think marriage is a good idea for me-apparently I am just not cut out for it. Done it twice now-really don't want to add a third. But I wanted to be married, have a husband, be a mother and have a family-so now what?
All that is gone and over. There is this looming sadness about the loss of the past and no more of what I knew for my future. There is also sadness and guilt for what my son lost and will never have again.
If I was in my 20's or 30's I guess I would feel differently. Or maybe if my son was small I wouldn't mind more kids. But the overwhelming feeling is that it is over, gone, done-no more. No more husband or children or family life. Just me and 50% of my son.
So what do you look forward to for a future as far as having a relationship with someone again. Are we supposed to come to terms with this and put it in the past and forget about it.
What about all the times you face happily married people and families and it brings back those hopes and dreams you had.
I know there are good things in life after your kids are grown or you retire ect.. But now what?
I hope I made sense. I have been overwhelmed by everything in my life right now and I am trying to find a way to clear out my head and move forward feeling positive.
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Message for my ex "I think you know by now, I'm not the person I used to be"
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divinediscontent
Platinum
Reged: 03/24/07
Posts: 343
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I think both your and my situations are similar, age, marriage length, and of course those nasty bouts of what I call "What's it all about, Alfie?" Those are the times it appears that all of life's milestones are behind me and I'm left to navigate through my remaining years alone.
I'm not sure what the state of your previous marriage was. The past 2 years of separation, divorce has slowly opened my eyes to what exactly my marriage was. And it wasn't good. But I worked very dilgently at pretending and fooling myself that all was well. That in itself is alot of work. Along with the side effect of not being able to be who you really are.
I find I'm coming to a place where I'm finding out that I have some pretty good qualities and living honestly is THE only way to go. It brings a level of contentment that I hadn't experienced in years.
What is on/off switch from sad, lonely, 3 dollar bill to contentment? I force myself to get out and do things. Mingle with people that I don't know very well and be myself. I am usually very pleasantly surprised. There are really nice people out there. Sure, many are married couples (even a couple of gay friends). But they can be fun, and they have problems, too. Nothing like a recently divorced person to get them to open up. People are people and EVERYONE has problems and we are not alone in that. But there is nothing like taking a chance, ending up making a few new friends to have a good yuk with.
In case your thinking I don't have any opportunities to get out and meet people..I've been there and done that. If I find out there is some kind of event I want to attend, I start looking for people to meet up with. I even joke about it, hey fifth wheel looking for 4 others. Sometimes I'm not successful and end up not doing anything. But when I do, I feel so independant and in control of my life. At this point of my 're-emergence' that is very, very, important.
Hope you give this a try, not-so-happy.
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'If I had my life to live again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.' -Tallujah Bankhead
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ssrachel
Platinum
Reged: 05/23/07
Posts: 1953
Loc: bottom of a pit
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you are not alone in your thinking, but you have a lot more going for you than you think. a lot more opportunity than you think. you're life isn't over. you have a son to raise. that's a huge part of your life, even though it is 50% right not. (i have a feeling that you will have him more than 50% when he gets older.)
have you ridden that horse? maybe focus on that. i find that having something to focus on when the girls are with their dad helps a lot. it's ashame if your horse is just eating and pooping.
i've taken up golfing and love it. maybe find a new hobby.
i also think part of your frustration is that your property is still not sold and lately you've had some bad luck. once your property sells, i think you'll have a new outlook.
don't be too hard on yourself...what you are feeling is natural.
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Live well. It is the greatest revenge.
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 720
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I totally understand how you feel. However that kind of a vibe is the wrong one to be sending out if what you want is a life. Focusing on what we do not have brings more of the same.
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 267
Loc: New Hampshire
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The fact that the framework upon which I had built my life collapsed caused me to feel like I was dying RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
Having a few years on you I'm looking at the likelyhood of not enough money left over after the split. But, with love in my heart I feel like I can persevere, whatever happens. Love enhances life, even if it's sad.
If you try to face each day with love and courage, when the really good things come along you'll be ready to grab them.
I know. Easier said than done.
May you be blessed with such love.
Tom
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So much to forget...
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vbalt
Silver
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 72
Loc: CA
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Happy, interesting that you would bring those thoughts up tonight. I was thinking the same thing, in my situation, 30 yrs married, adult children, now what? Hopes and dreams gone in a flash. But something happened, I had lunch with a young woman, single and living life to the fullest. She is 26 and taught me that we don't need others to help us be happy, only ourselves. I feel fortunate that I have my children and can live my life the way I choose. New dreams are being created and I think everything will be fine. I think you just need time and you will have a change of thoughts. I hope you will.
Vicki
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Bloom where you are planted
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3068
Loc: Florida
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I'm coming from a slightly different perspective, as I'm in my 30's and HAVE started over having babies too...to think my oldest child will be 16 years older than my youngest...but even from this perspective we have some similarities.
I just want to tell you that you don't have to feel hopeless about what the future might hold for you. You can get whatever it is that your looking for...if that means no marriage in the future cause that's not what you choose, or a man that has grown children or a man that has no children or a green polka dot alien who rocks your world then so be it. There are so many choices and different types out there that you will find what you are looking for...'til then have some fun! Your ideas might change over the next 5-10 years too about what you want. Nothing wrong with that, take your time.
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**5 weeks to go**
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 1834
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[quote]
I can't help but feel like my life is over. I spent 16yrs of my life with one man, had a child and we were a family. I am too old to start over-no more children for me. I am too old to put up with other people's children-so no step parenting for me. I don't think marriage is a good idea for me-apparently I am just not cut out for it. So what do you look forward to for a future as far as having a relationship with someone again. Are we supposed to come to terms with this and put it in the past and forget about it. /quote]
H2bD'd, I had that feeling so badly I was completely overwhelmed by it for months. I'd kind of pinned my hopes on selling the house quickly so I could move on quickly. It didn't sell and took months. Those months of not having a clue of 'what next' almost killed me. They definitely frightened me to death.
To my surprise, my life has moved on so much since then and I have too. I am sure it will be the same for you in the end. I think that 'overwhelming stage' you go through is one to really reflect on 'what next'. I think it's a stage where you can't sit there waiting for it to happen. I did. And nothing happened. All the problems and feelings of emptiness just grew.
In that time, I started to visualise more clearly the kind of life I wanted for myself, ON MY OWN. I haven't wasted time visualising my life with someone else. Making my children happy and being happy inside myself and on my own is my first priority. And it's happened.
That terrifying feeling that my life is over has been replaced with a sense of a new life just beginning. I've also learned to accept my life. If it goes no further than where it is at right now, I could be very happy!
I wish you all the best and hope so much that things will turn your way.
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