Divorce Support Forums: e-mail from my sons step-mom...

Ditto on what golightly said. She did the best she could in the circumstances.

Now on the issue of talking to your son about why you divorced J.... I've got mixed feelings. Kids at his age need to knwo that nothing happens for one reason and only one reason. And you, yourself have told us that you're now in florida because you moved there intending to have your second husband move down there with you, and he did not and that was teh reason for the move... and it seems like he's almost more upset with the MOVE than he is with the divorce, because he likes his friends up there and woul dlike to still be with his friends. And from what you've said before, the MOVE was not after the divorce, but was expected to be part of a longer term marriage to husband number 2. So to me it seems that maybe you need to explain to the kid that you're not away from his friends because of any divorces, but because you were there as part of a marraige, and AFTER you were there, you found a new life. If the kid truly understood, then the stepmom would not be left to deal with his anger.

And she has to say SOMETHING. He's there and angry and ... well, you can't always be the only one to give him perspective on life. Maybe a few other opinions on perspective wouldn't hurt. Your own history with her notwithstanding... you have all kinds of reasons to be angry with her, but not for talking to your kid... for sleeping with your husband (which the kid should have no part of).

Frankly, though, you did good in your response ot her. I know lots of people would have been tempted to tell her to mind her own business and NOT deal with it (an impossibility given that she's with him for the moment and she needs to deal with it just like if he'd done this at school a teacher would have to deal with it... if he'd done it at summer camp a counselor would have to deal with it, etc., etc... and they'd have probably said the same things... that adult relaitonships are complicated and not always entirely about abuse, that there are often a combination of things going on, etc., etc.)

I also applaud you for not saying something really nasty about your own history with her, which I'd have had a REAL temptation to say... something like, "well, if you want to explain how adult relationships are complicated and there are reasons other than abuse for a woman wanting to leave a man, how about explaining the facts of life to him and explaining how sometimes a woman finds out that her husband has slept with someone she THOUGHt was her friend, and has a baby with him while the woman is still married ot him? My own choices for why I left J are none of your concern, so if you're going to try to give N a complete explanation of all the reasons why a woman might want to leave a man, how about explaining infidelity and betrayal as more emotionally hurtful than any bruise ever was!?"

Yeah, I might have snapped back something nasty, and then I'd have regretted it, because like I say, she was in a tough situation having to calm the kid down from her perspective with him complaining about things that took place when she was not around. You did good.

You might want to talk to N when he returns about how the decision to go to Florida had nothing to do with leaving any husbands, and maybe find ways for him to develop friendships there. My oldest stepson had a really tough time adjusting to the move when his parents moved here. He is shy and had lifelong friends in thier old community, and as soon as he was out of high school he left and got as close to that old community as he could by going to college in that general direction. It did not result in him re-connecting with any old friends (he underestimated how far away his college was from his old hometown, I think), but the fact of being a freshman with a bunch of other freshmen, 9/10 of whom feel a little out of place, I think helped him.

I know your son probably has some issues over his health situation? Having missed so much school? Maybe there's some way you could help him re-connect with his school buddies? Is it about time for him to switch from one school to another anyways, going into middle or high? Maybe that transition can help? I don't know how, but I do know that my husband tried everything to help his eldest through the problem time (his ex didn't much pay attention to the eldest, who is not too sports inclined)... and was never able to completely solve the problem for him. It helped a little to put him in a private high school when the time came, but he was still always a little detatched from his peers here.

And that seems to be the problem more than anything else, from the report his stepmother had. Blaming his Dad for the move because if his dad hadn't been so bad, you'd have never gotten to Florida. Even if you connect the two... If Dad wasn't so bad, you'd have never divorced him and re-married, never have moved with your new husband to florida, never have divorced the new husband and stayed in florida... EVEN if you hav ea long term view that WHAT IF your ex weren't abusive life would be rosy up in your northern old neighborhood... well... ditch the long term view for the sake of the kid and remind him that the move had nothing to do with his dad being abusive and everythign to do with you thinking there would be a better life down there for them.