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As we all know there are good days and bad. Today is a bad one - I'm literally holding myself back from calling him and yelling uncontrolably about how he's ruined my life, blah blah blah. So I figured I'd post here instead. I haven't had any communication other than via email about paperwork in almost 2 weeks and thought I was doing great. I got an email on Monday about aquiring a copy of our marriage certificate and at the end was "How are you and the pets doing?" I almost threw my computer out the window. But I responded with a simple: "We're fine. Please forward the paperwork when you get it..."
My therapist says I need to prepare myself for what he's going to do when I'm away at the end of July. I didn't quite get it until he explained that every time I leave town (even after separated) he does something crazy, whether subconsciously or not. In February I went to Costa Rica with friends, and he relapsed and lost his job. We separated a month later. Since separation I've left town twice for work - the first time he crashed his car, the second he slept with another woman. There's some odd comfort in the fact that I'm at least a factor in his actions, albeit a negative one. So now I'm all paranoid about what's left he can do to me. How can it get any worse?!
I guess I'm just looking for a few words of support, what you guys do with yourselves when you're feeling like this, etc.
We can't control the actions of others. As much as we might care and be concerned with what happens to them .........we, in the end, don't hold the answers as to how they will treat themselves. You have to realize that your not responsible for his actions or reactions to what life will come his way.
-------------------- People don't care how much you know.........until they know how much you care.
I'm just going to echo what mrpat said using different words.
Your situation sounds like co-dependency. You can be responsible for a child. You really can't be responsible for another adult. People have tried to be responsible for others and to fix others for thousands of years and the only thing it gets them is depressed or anxious.
Sometimes you JUST CAN'T HELP HIM. "If I could only say the right thing or do the right thing he might get it...." Stop bargining with the devil. He'll sell you a bill of goods. Your X will be even more messed up and you'll be that much more exhausted.
This is where that "One day at a time" thinking comes in handy. Your enabling him can't help him.
Your enabling him can't help him. Your enabling him can't help him. Your enabling him can't help him.
Have many times have you tried?
The logic is perfect. Still you care and your heart breaks for him and you want to do something.
I still want to reach out to my s2bx - like I've unsuccessfully done for 30 years. Our therapist said that a sign of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. "But, I'm crazy about her!"
I'm starting to actually let go. The weight is finally getting lighter and I'm starting to smile like I haven't for decades. The most scary and painful thing I've ever been forced to do. Sometimes it feels like I'm betraying every value I've ever held. But it's a necessary step towards health.
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