redchair
Gold
Reged: 06/21/08
Posts: 118
Loc: Boston
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Hi friends,
I've had a really tough morning. I found out that the "transitional" girlfriend and my stbx are officially in love and plan to get a dog together. I'm not sure why this affected me as much as it has, but for some reason this is absolutely devastating. It's not that I still wanted the marriage to work (it was beyond repair) - but for some reason I wanted him to be mourning as much as I am. I'm not really sure what to do with myself at the moment....
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Shaun
Platinum
Reged: 07/08/07
Posts: 449
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I have been at that stage. I just try and show everyone I see or talk to endless compassion. Sooner or later what comes around goes around. I got tired of waiting for Ms. Wonderful to arrive at my doorstep so I try and go out and do things on my own. Yesterday I went to a fabulous Belgian Beer bar and a minor league baseball game. Find what makes you happy go do it and don't worry about what "they" are up to.
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Mr.Revenge
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/08
Posts: 323
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redchair,
I'm sorry you are down.
I have been there countless times over the past year, and in fact, I'm right there again myself.
It has helped me a little to go for long walks to just try to regroup and refocus.
Sending happy thoughts. You are NOT alone. Hang in there. There are always sunny days after the storm. I have seen them (although right now, I'm in the storm too).
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newlife123
Gold
Reged: 11/04/07
Posts: 188
Loc: phila suburb-PA
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mine and his are away on vacation and that bites. He hasn't taken a vacation with me in over 10 years, could never take that much time away from work. What is love to them is not the love you shared with him. I keep telling myself that he can't give me what I need anymore. It does help. It's more like he doesn't want to give it but it helps me feel stronger.
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 281
Loc: Cali
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Redchair-
Your STBX needs things to gloss over the pain. The cocaine addiction did this for him. Now that you are gone, the new GF does this for him as well. He's putting a bandaid over the wounds.
The relationship he has formed with this new woman is built on a faulty foundation. It is built on a rebound and a drug addiction. So... I'm not saying that the relationship is going to fail. I am saying that it might not really be love, but a love for the need to numb the pain.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
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Peace comes from simply knowing you will find the answer
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boobaby
Platinum
Reged: 05/01/07
Posts: 296
Loc: mass
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Aaawww, Red, that knife in the heart feeling just hurts so much doens't it? I use to hate getting that feeling. When my ex said he was in love with his girlfriend it just ripped my insides to shreds. I know exactly how you are feeling right now and I too wanted him to mourn as much as I did. I don't think he ever mourned for our marriage. My only suggestion to you right now is try to find something to keep you busy. I see you live in Boston (only 2 hours from me) and I know how many things there are to do in the city. I know that you probably feel that the last thing you want to do is go out and do something, but it will help a little. Time is the other thing that will help. I found reading some inspirational books to help and just trying to improve myself overall. You will be ok, believe me.
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 307
Loc: New Hampshire
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Hi Red,
It sounds like this news caught you on a downswing. Regardless, my way of dealing with this sort of stuff is dive right into the sorrow and bawl my eyes out for a while. It sort of marks the definite end of things. All you have to do now is go through the formality of the actual divorce.
I remember when it became apparent that it was over. I was inconsolable. I screamed at the walls, then went outside and lashed out at the sky. I begged God to just let me die. .380 inches of super sonic lead exiting the back of my head had never seemed so attractive. My life was over.
Yes. Even that passed.
While cleaning up the old life, I'm just starting a new life. To start this life I had to die to the old life. And, yes, it did feel like death.
Your spirit will rise. You will love again. You're not the first to go through this and those of us on the other side tell you that there is an end and that you'll make it through. Have faith.
In the mean time, you have my permission to grieve and then to heal.
Blessings to you.
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So much to forget...
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redchair
Gold
Reged: 06/21/08
Posts: 118
Loc: Boston
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You are all such wonderful people. I hate feeling this small and irrelevant, and easily replaced. I don't know why it helps to have other people who have gone through it too - but it really does.
I just want to get to the point where this isn't all-consuming. I think I'll go for a nice long walk with my dog now to try to regroup and calm down. Spending the entire day wailing on my couch isn't helping anyone and I'm exhuasted. I hope you're all having a good day...
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 307
Loc: New Hampshire
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You're basing your worth on how much an addict values you?
He doesn't even value himself.
Logically, that sounds absurd. But, we're talking about how one person feels about another. I have a pretty good idea what you're feeling.
Wailing is a good thing to do followed by a walk - as you've done. And, if you can, get a hug from someone who cares. I sure as hell need one.
I just spent 3+ hours with my s2bx talking about property associated with the split up. I was fine for the first 2+ hours. Then, my feelings started to take over. I told her as much and asked her to leave. She'll leave after talking with our 20 year old son. I may be in tears later. But I KNOW I'll be alright.
Yeah. I just want it to end, too. This takes too dam long.
Hang in there. That's what I'm doing.
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So much to forget...
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PainedPatty
Platinum
Reged: 01/28/08
Posts: 663
Loc: Southern California
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This may sound crazy, but I almost wish that my stbx had a gf. He left me just because he didn't want to be with me anymore. No new love, no anything except not wanting to be with me. Talk about feeling diminished!!
I know that it is devastating to think that your spouse found someone they love more than you. It is also devastating to realize that they just want to be rid of you. I have been feeling like a disposable person ever since he left.
Patty
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