phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 358
Loc: Cali
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Tomorrow will be my 7th anniversary. Just yesterday, some of my friends told me how much Kari seemed to love me. She was a master of illusions, I guess. I thought everything was going just fine as well.
What I don't get is this.... why is it that 2/3 of divorces are filed by women, and why is it that most of the time men don't see it coming? I just don't get it.
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Tibi ipsi esto fidelis
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1769
Loc: Not sure!!!
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Phyz - women aren't always the leavers - some were
forced out. Women get blind-sided too.
Sorry you are feeling so bad. Anniversaries are
always rough.
Hope you feel better soon.
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I'm a living sunset... there's light in my bones. You can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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Shaun
Platinum
Reged: 07/08/07
Posts: 455
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phyz I know ALL ABOUT THAT. Blind sided, didn't know it was coming. Been there, done that, I have the shirt. Hang in there man.
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Cari115
Platinum
Reged: 06/11/07
Posts: 1788
Loc: Not where I thought I'd be
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Firsts are always hard but you will get through this. We are here for you if you need to talk.
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She's figured out all her doubts were someone else's point of view - Green Day
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 358
Loc: Cali
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PinkRose,
I know that women aren't the bad ones. I hope I didn't imply that. But what I wonder is how much the different styles of communication enter into the equation. Ya know?
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Tibi ipsi esto fidelis
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cheeps
Bronze
Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 33
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Phz, my Ex would say I blind-sided him but a bout once a year I'd ask him to stop drinking, consider an alternative, whatever. There was no communication...none....so it really shouldn't have been a surprise for him.
But you...did she ever say comments or seem put out? Would you mind telling me or pointing me to a thread with more detail? It sound to me like she didn't want to do some work.....don't know?
Hey my 19th anniversary was June 3rd....I felt nothing that day...I see it now as a wedding date, not an anniversary. I guess since two years has passed since we split it's better...the divorce is the week after next...I think. I'm wondering how I will feel. cheeps
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heartbrokenguy
Bronze
Reged: 05/01/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Ohio
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I think it's important to recognize that there seem to be two types of leavers (IMHO).
First, there are the leavers who actively tried to save the marriage. Often, these are the people who were forced to deal with issues like alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, etc. They talked to their spouse about these issues, try to get them help or get the to straighten up, and eventually couldn't take the neglect anymore.
The second type of leavers are the "I don't want to work on it" type. Perhaps this is what Phyz is referring to with his situation. The leaver becomes unhappy, maybe suddenly or gradually...but instead of talking about it or working on it they just cut their loses and move on.
Honestly, I completely understand the first type. They should leave if the situation is not being addressed, if there is a threat to their/children's safety. The are being strong in their decision.
The second type though...the only thing I can think of is that some people are just selfish and/or don't want to face their faults and weakness. In other words, they want their spouse to change, but they don't want to change themselves.
In both situations, the leavee is often blindsided. In situations of the first type, the leavee is often so blinded by their own addictions, selfishness, etc. that they cannot see it coming. It is their fault for closing their eyes to the reality of their lives.
The fault for this shock, however, is not the leavee's in the second situation. How can you see it coming when you are dealing with a "master of illusion?"
Hang in there Phyzguy. I understand how you feel...I heard the same kinds of things from my friends. Sometimes, people are so good at putting on a mask that the fool everyone. Including their spouse. And usually, themself as well.
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She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
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newlife123
Gold
Reged: 11/04/07
Posts: 188
Loc: phila suburb-PA
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Mine was a shock that came out of nowhere but he said he wanted to work on it only to turn around and screw with my head. It hurts all the same in the end.
I think some people just snap and pretend they had nothing to do with it and they have no control so they can feel better about the whole thing. I don't have any answers for mine except it's done. I wish I had the truth but I am beginning to realize I will never know.
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 358
Loc: Cali
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Brokenheartedguy-
You hit the nail on the head. My STBX tied to be something she was not when she was with me. I needed somebody that wanted to do things together and trust me like a best friend. At any rate, she told me that she wanted so badly to be the wife that I wanted her to be. She was trying to convince herself to be somebody that she simply was not.
She's a distant loaner, and I gather that she doesn't want to be that person. From what I notice about her actions, she doesn't want to be that person so much that she tries to act the part that she is not. I don't even know if she knows who she is.
In many ways, I am her opposite.
She did a lot to try to be what I needed, but she never really told me explicitly what she needed me to do to accommodate her. She thought SHE was the problem, and never even asked me to try to make some adjustments for her.
I dunno. It comes down to communication. It comes down to being honest to the other person, and my STBX had a really hard time opening up, not only to me, but to herself as well.
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Tibi ipsi esto fidelis
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ALittleLost
New
Reged: 06/24/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Virginia
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it seems like it always comes down to "communication". but dont mind me. i've gotten to the point tonite that im so drunk i can hardly type. you think i'd go to bed but i can't seem to tear myself away.
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"Anyone who does not believe in miracles is not a realist."
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