duckgirl
New
Reged: 06/29/08
Posts: 10
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Hi everyone, this is my first hour on this forum!! I have been searching the internet for information on cusody and visitation and I need some help please. I'll try to be quick.
My STBX is insisting on joint custody with 2 weeks on and 2 weekds off with our 5 year old son! Is he kidding?? I have been the primary caregiving for 5 years now and he has never spent one whole day together with DS alone! He works crazy hours (he's at work now, Sun 9:45pm) and when his is home, he abdicates all responsibilities to me!
He insists that this is the new trend in child custody. I have never heard of this and it makes my stomach turn. What kind of custody do others have. Would anyone be willing to share their thoughts?
Thank you so much, Duck
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eiram
Silver
Reged: 06/23/08
Posts: 98
Loc: Indiana
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Hi Duck.
I have heard of this before. I have worked in preschool for 13 years and have seen all kinds of custody agreements. Sometimes they change everyother week, every 2 weeks or most have the standard everyother weekend. My sister and her X have an agreement 4 days with her 3 days with him each week. Personally I had a joint custody with X getting children everyother weekend and 1 visit per week after school. There are many options.
If you are concerned about consistancy for your child, then definately talk to your lawyer regarding this.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
--------------------
to my ex - what goes around, comes around. you'll get yours...
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1519
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It might be a trend, but the norm is still Every Other weekend (EOW) and a mid week visit. Unless he lives in the same neighborhood, a child of school age is not usually split that way unless the parents can show REAL cooperation and caring for making it work.
However, telling the court that you were the primary caregiver so he shouldn't get something is not goign to be sympathetic in court. Focus on facts - his work schedule, daycare, etc. Be ready to let him be the father that has him as much time as possible - he has the right and you have to let him step up. He might or might not, but you no longer are in control of it post separation.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1198
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[quote]
My STBX is insisting on joint custody with 2 weeks on and 2 weekds off with our 5 year old son! Is he kidding?? [/quote]
Most theropiest agree that this is the better for young kids then the old every other weekend. Better yet is one week then switch. There is no reason why your x shouldn't be able to be just as big a care giver as you.
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duckgirl
New
Reged: 06/29/08
Posts: 10
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I certainly have no intention of keeping my son from his father!! Not where I was going with this at all!! My only concern is that two weeks is far too long to be away from either his mother or his father. My other concern is that in the 5 years my son has been alive my STBX has not shown any interest in spending time with with him. Not once has he ever said 'Hey, let's go out and play' or 'Hey, let's do something together'. The only time he has spent with DS is when I ask him to. Now suddenly he thinks he can take care of him by himself for two weeks straight? My worry is solely for the wellbeing of my DS NOT trying to keep STBX from seeing him.
I might be willing to go 1 week on and 1 week off with a visit or two during the week. Any other thoughts?
Duck
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Highroad
Bronze
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 40
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[quote]I certainly have no intention of keeping my son from his father!! Not where I was going with this at all!! My only concern is that two weeks is far too long to be away from either his mother or his father. My other concern is that in the 5 years my son has been alive my STBX has not shown any interest in spending time with with him. Not once has he ever said 'Hey, let's go out and play' or 'Hey, let's do something together'. The only time he has spent with DS is when I ask him to. Now suddenly he thinks he can take care of him by himself for two weeks straight? My worry is solely for the wellbeing of my DS NOT trying to keep STBX from seeing him.
I might be willing to go 1 week on and 1 week off with a visit or two during the week. Any other thoughts?
Duck [/quote]
if your willing to do a shared plan, then you should think about 4/3 one week, then 3/4 the next week since it seems yoru concern is the length of time he is away. No one can predict what a court will decide unless issues are resolved through mediation. Even with the most fit parents of a child, a court will award full physical custody to one parent so itsjust hard to predict. I myself am against a shared physical plan for my case, but if you and yoru ex get along well and communicate often, then its worth a try.
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SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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You are in the same situation that I was in with my STBXW. Two weeks on and two weeks off is too long for a 5 year old - that's more for teenagers.
The courts may likely do the standard every other weekend and Wed eve. for non-custodial parent.
I did not want to be a "McDonalds Dad" or "Disney Dad"... that is just having enough time to eat at McDonalds on Wed pm or just entertaining my 2.5 yo daughter.
Went through mediation inetead so we could set out own terms. I fought hard to have overnight parenting I have 6 of every 14 overnights. We now live 5 miles apart with pick-up drop off at daycare or elementary school.
Schedule is Tues afterschool to Wed am dropoff, Fri pickup through Mon am dropoff, next week - Wed afterschool to Thurs am dropoff, Thurs afterschool to Fri am dropoff.
Plus we each get 4 weeks vacation. 7 Holiday's alternate by year, but so does next day (if she gets thanksgiving, then I get Fri after thanksgiving, Etc.)
I was somewhat of a back-up parent before... now I have stepped up to the plate and am a full fledged father 6 overnights a week... and I've learned how important being a great father is (and how difficult it is - doing it now for 3 months).... and I want to have the nuclear family back together again - If not possible, at least my daughter and I will be a family.
You have to do what is best for your son and in line with what is important for both parents.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1198
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[quote]
I did not want to be a "McDonalds Dad" or "Disney Dad"... that is just having enough time to eat at McDonalds on Wed pm [/quote]
The two hour visit during the week is a joke. No body wants to give it up but unless you live next to your X two hours is not enough. I used to pick my daughter up at 6:30 then drive 30 minutes to the nearest place to eat (fast food) and try to find something to do for 30 more minutes then drive back. When your concedering parenting times think about things like that.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3241
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Your stbx is wrong. For one thing, even if 50/50 physical custody were ordered, it wouldn't be the 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off schedule for a young child.
Second, his work schedule (if it is as erratic as you say it is) isn't conducive to 50/50 physical custody.
Research your state and see what the standard parenting time is for the ncp. And start from there.
What will, in all likelihood, be ordered is joint legal (which is the trend) with primary placement with the primary caregiver. In this case, you are the primary caregiver.
If you can, since his work schedule isn't typical, try to work it out between the two of you to where you have minimal childcare. This way, he gets to spend more time with his son and you both save on childcare costs.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2128
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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[quote]I certainly have no intention of keeping my son from his father!! Not where I was going with this at all!! My only concern is that two weeks is far too long to be away from either his mother or his father. My other concern is that in the 5 years my son has been alive my STBX has not shown any interest in spending time with with him. Not once has he ever said 'Hey, let's go out and play' or 'Hey, let's do something together'. The only time he has spent with DS is when I ask him to. Now suddenly he thinks he can take care of him by himself for two weeks straight? My worry is solely for the wellbeing of my DS NOT trying to keep STBX from seeing him.
I might be willing to go 1 week on and 1 week off with a visit or two during the week. Any other thoughts?
Duck [/quote]
i TOTALLY hear your concern.
and it is well founded!
i had that concern AND frankly (i know this is selfish)
i am so in the midst of my kids daily lives,
from their sandbox play, to who's the new best friend
that i cant fathom not being part of that.
and since my kids' dad never was that involved i dont see the benefit of them being 'ignored' for a week.
i have a friend, however, whose ex was mildly involved
and is NOW a really involved caring dad.
he basically not only stepped up to the plate, but plays ball really well (metaphorically speaking).
and in that sitation their 50/50 split ended up being best for their kids. he learned what to do, cared and is now a very good dad.
so, SOMETIMES, the parent who wasnt as involved during the marriage does change.
if you do choose a week on/off or a two week split,
i do think that a midweek visit is always in the best interst of the kids and parents though.
i mean, who wants to be away from the people they love the most for a whole week?
this custody and kid sharing stuff is the WORST part of divorce.
(an aside: IF, however, the environment your son will be in while with his dad is not Healthy, then you should fight this 50/50 thing.)
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taryn.
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