shaybri_23
New
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 3
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I have been married less than 5 mos and of those 5 we've only been living together for 2 mos. Over the past three weeks my husband's anger has escalated toward me and my 6 yo daughter. This all seemed to start when my daughter accused my husband of throwing a glue stick at her. He said he didn't do it and then got extremely angry, storming out of the house because my daughter "lied" on him. After this my daughter became increasingly afraid of him, hiding every time he comes in the room, rushing out of the room if she suddenly realizes she's alone with him. She says that she's scared because she thinks he might hit, punch or kick her. He claims he's done nothing to her, but I've seen him jump at her like he was going to hit her and then try to "sneak" away. My daughter also says that he stuck her in the leg with a pen. At first, I thought my daughter was making stuff up - acting out because of the new family structure, moving, new school, etc. But my husband's anger and outbursts have become so irrational: if my daughter flinches or leaves the room he tries to interrogate her about why and if I interrupt or say anything I am making excuses for her or covering up; I get constant text messages about how my daughter is ruining his life, making him miserable - that if she says tells lies about him hitting her it would ruin his the coaching he does with a local aau chapter. Lately, he refers to her as my f***ing child, says he can't stand to hear her laugh with me because it makes him sick, he's been pressing me to spank her, and thinks he should discipline her because I talk to her too much. He refuses to go to counseling, tells me it's bullsh*t, that the two of us have a lot of fu**ing nerve. Every other day he threatens to pack his sh** and leave, because he’s not kissing a 6 y.o.’s a$$.
My daughter is so scared that she hides in her room, wraps her self in a blanket just to watch tv, she's poured water in her bed, and even pulled out a chunk of her hair. I have been so afraid that I have not let her be alone with him and this is making my husband even madder. He's lied on her over and over and I recently found out he's been at the least texting an old girlfriend about how much he misses her and then lied to me about it. He's started using the problems with my daughter to stay out of the house. The more I've stood up to him about my daughter, the worse he's been - last week he threw a bottle of water three times during an argument which started when I asked him for his share of the bills. He said he was throwing it at the door - a door I happened to be standing two feet away from. I called the police and later went to file for an order of protection.(Even after he told me they wouldn't do anything to him because he didn't touch me.) Through counseling I am beginning to understand that what I attributed to my husband’s quirks is actually verbally and emotionally abusive behavior. On one hand I feel horrible that after just five mos I want to end my marriage. But I don’t trust that he will ever sincerely change – and that he set out to use me and take advantage of me financially from the start.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1511
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There is an awful amount of drama for a short marriage. Sorry, but I am hard core on this. You can't decide on your marriage until the drama dies down. Your daughter needs immediate counseling. Whether she is telling the truth or not - she needs help and now.
You and your ex need counseling separate of her. She is controlling the house and you need to figure that out. You should both have voices here but your daughter needs to be safe emotionally and physically.
Now - outside looking in - this did not start just after you were married. This has escalated too fast. You need to step back and figure out where you are in the cycle.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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I agree with Jersey. But I have to ask: what was it that caused the two fo you to NOT live together early in the marriage? To me, that would be a clue... pretty much every time things go weird like that, it's a clue of odd things happening (now, if the reason is that he was on active duty or something, that would solve that issue, but it sounds, the way you say it, like this was NOT that simple an explanation).
Throwing a glue stick? That's not nice, but not exactly ... abusive. A little like throwing a pretzel stick at someone. I'd want to know how a stupid glue stick became such an issue that it was worth a big argument over whether or not it was true.
When people are living under the threat of being accused of awful things, it's easy for things to get weird, so his being upset about you walking in your own home like you're on pins & needles, being angry over being treated like a liar in some power struggle with a 6 year old in HIS own home... you not allowing your child to be alone with him... having his status as a coach in jeopardy over the 6 year old's accusations... well, these are all things that would easily make anyone get upset (even if they were NOT abusive) ... now whether it justifies the drama going on here, I don't know... and which came first, the drama or the bad behavior, I also don't know. But ...
I agree with Jersey, everyone needs counseling here. If you can't get over your distrust of him, then you need to separate from him. If he can't get to a point where he feels his wife supports him and is not aligning against him in some unfair campaign waged by a 6 year old against him, well, he needs to be separate from you. And if your child can't EITHER stop distrusting him OR stop creating drama, well... then SHE needs to be out of that house.
Only a counselor could sort it all out, I think.
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2617
Loc: Michigan
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Think about your child and your safety first. Get out now and get this over with. I'm not one to tell someone to get divorced or annulled but do this as fast as humanly possible. This is no life for you or your child. You might have made a mistake don't compound it by waiting for the disaster to strike.
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People don't care how much you know.........until they know how much you care.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2105
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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WHAT is holding you back?
youve been married for like five minutes!
Get OVER it
and
think of your daughter.
this is not very common behavior,
and
even MORE UNcommon
is this idiot husband's behavior.
goodness!
this is SUCH a no brainer!
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taryn.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3219
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You are living with a violent person. Who is a danger to your child.
Here is what my cousin (who is a RN) told me when I told her about my ex throwing a glass at me:
What if it had been a mug (we do have one of those in the house) and it hit you in the head? It can put you in a coma or kill you. You are living with a dangerous person who could seriously hurt you. You need to be careful.
Now, my question to you is:
What happens if your husband throws something at your 6 year old child and it hits her in the head? She could end up dead or in a coma for the rest of her life.
To me, the choice is simple, LEAVE. Before it's too late. And get your child into counseling. From what you have described, something has happened and she needs help.
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shaybri_23
New
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 3
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*****Jersey Girl wrote: “Now - outside looking in - this did not start just after you were married. This has escalated too fast. You need to step back and figure out where you are in the cycle.”*****
*****gigi wrote: “what was it that caused the two fo you to NOT live together early in the marriage?”*****
I am just understanding that this started way before - he pressured me heavily in the beginning to see only him (even though he was still seeing ex-girlfriends I recently learned). He couldn't wait till June to get married, when my daughter was out of school and we could move to DE to be with him. Anytime I brought up changing the date - I got interrogated about whether I wanted to be with him. We married in Feb planned to move together in June. Then suddenly he needed to leave the house he was renting - the mold he had been living with for a year and a half got to be too much now that I was there with good credit and money - so he begged and pushed for me to by a house. When I asked anything about his credit, asked for us to sit and review both our financial situations - I got an argument and him yelling at me that I didn't need to know his business. So now I have a 200K mortgage in my name only, and 90% of the bills are in my name. I buckled and relocated officially in May to avoid paying duplicate bills because he offered no help.
I disagree that my daughter is controlling the house – she would be perfectly fine to stay in her room for the short time she is home and awake (she’s out of the house from 7:30 – 5:30 and in bed by 8:30)– so all this fuss is over the three hours. My husband has a problem with her being in her room or her being where he can’t get access to her. When all this started to focus on my daughter, all this was put on her, she was put on punishment for lying, I immediately got her into counseling – she’s been in counseling for 3 weeks, and I’d been a lot more strict with her, forcing her to interact with my husband. She would try to be fine around me – but if I wasn’t there – she would hide. After I saw my husband jump towards her, acting like he was going to hit her, and then sneak away, I reconsidered what was going on.
And I know the allegations - if untrue - would be bad for him, but if he is so worried about that, then why not participate in counseling? And even if he didn’t agree with the method – why do everything he can to not support the assignments from the counselor? And if my daughter is totally making this up then where's the concern for why she is doing this? This is a man with a running joke that if a CPS worker ever came to his door for beating his child, he wouldn't go to jail for beating the child, but for beating up the worker that came to him with that stupid sh**.
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shaybri_23
New
Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 3
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When I think back there were so many red flags that I wrote off as moods or just his personality. But I am starting to see the cycle: I say something or ask something he doesn't like, I get the silent treatment, I try to figure out what's wrong - do something to try and change his mood, he snaps and starts an argument over anything - even bringing up issues that had been closed and is totally unwilling to discuss a solution but focuses over and over on what he thinks was done to him. Then he'll come back and say he knows he's a little rough and he'll work on it. Then we make up and the cycle starts all over again.
Here’s another piece to this puzzle: His second marriage (which I thought was his first until his sister let me know that I was #3, he lied repeatedly about never being married to his children’s mother) ended supposedly because his ex wife’s family didn’t like him around his stepdaughter. He refused to go to counseling (sound familiar) with his wife because it wasn’t his problem – it was his ex-wife and her family that had issues. According to him – his ex-wife tried to kill herself because she couldn’t handle the pull between him and her family. They’d been married for five years…and a woman who according to him has no emotional /mental issues decides to kill herself? Either he’s lying about that or as I suspect she was probably experiencing some of the same stuff that I have been.
Like the title of my post says – I don’t want to work anything out …I am ready to cut my losses and work on recovery for me and my daughter. He is not a crazy person who cannot be held responsible for his actions. He chooses to control his anger and he chooses how he responds to me and my daughter, and how and when he chooses to lie. Even if he gets counseling which I hope he does, I don’t want anything to do with him. I was totally taken by his charm and the façade he presented – I foolishly let my heart decide. I am a little sad about it, a lot angry for any negative impact on my daughter, and grateful that I’m able to walk away before anything worse happens.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2105
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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this guy seems smart and like a walking time bomb.
do NOT let him know what you are thinking or pursuing.
set the stage to remove him from the home.
(a RO would be what you need)
keep all of your plans 100% to yourself.
make sure you clear the cache and history of your computer,
and any phone evidence of your leaving.
you might want to keep an mp3 or other recording devise on you in case he starts to abuse your or your daugter.
at least then you have evidence.
as it is,
you word and your child's word
SHOULD be enough to get a RO so he gets out of the house.
this guy is alarming!
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taryn.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3116
Loc: Florida
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[quote]When I think back there were so many red flags that I wrote off as moods or just his personality. But I am starting to see the cycle: I say something or ask something he doesn't like, I get the silent treatment, I try to figure out what's wrong - do something to try and change his mood, he snaps and starts an argument over anything - even bringing up issues that had been closed and is totally unwilling to discuss a solution but focuses over and over on what he thinks was done to him. Then he'll come back and say he knows he's a little rough and he'll work on it. Then we make up and the cycle starts all over again.
*****WARNING*****WARNING******WARNING***
He refused to go to counseling (sound familiar) with his wife because it wasn’t his problem –
*****WARNING******WARNING******WARNING*****
Like the title of my post says – I don’t want to work anything out …I am ready to cut my losses and work on recovery for me and my daughter.
*****NO REASON TO HESITATE HERE EITHER******
He chooses to control his anger and he chooses how he responds to me and my daughter, and how and when he chooses to lie. Even if he gets counseling which I hope he does, I don’t want anything to do with him. I was totally taken by his charm and the façade he presented – I foolishly let my heart decide. I am a little sad about it, a lot angry for any negative impact on my daughter, and grateful that I’m able to walk away before anything worse happens. [/quote]
Yes, he needs counseling. Will he ever seek it? Probably not, he states he doesn't have a problem and counseling won't help him anyhow if he can't admit there is a problem.
You need to get some counseling so that you don't continue to repeat your own cycle. Something made you choose this type of man, something made you ignore the warning signs, and you need to determine what personal changes you can make in order to not pick his type again.
Your daughter needs counseling too. Hopefully she hasn't been in this situation long enough for it to have impacted her for the rest of her life...but now is the time to seek the counseling so she can move past it in a healthy manner.
My 2nd ex was a lot like this. He too states that he doesn't have a problem. Unfortunately we have children together that still have to put up with the abuse he dishes out. Sounds like that won't be an issue for you, however I do wonder if you'll be able to stay away from him. Sometimes men (or women for that matter) like this can be so convincing of their love and how sorry they are that their mate is confused and follow their hearts instead of their brains. I normally stay away from giving specific "leave" advice, but in this case I see it so clearly from the point of view of your child and yourself that I say run, run, run...don't walk, run and don't look back.
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**4 weeks to go**
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