RobertBoucher
New
Reged: 06/30/08
Posts: 1
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I know it may sound superficial to many, but this is a huge factor for me at this point. It wasn't my sole driving factor to file for divorce months ago. My lawyer and a couple friends brought up the 10 year threshhold which states lifetime spousal support is mandated.
She's been financially irresponsible and this was heightened when she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. There was a lot of spending and lying about her spending. I won't get into the bipolar disorder as I am sure many here understand just how difficult it is to stay in such a relationship. I left because it was unbearable to feel under attack, simply get ignored and not feel loved.
Now that I've filed and we're heading toward finalizing the divorce, she's started to level off and is now back to her "normal" self. She's extremely apologetic, trying to right the wrongs of the past and wants to salvage the marriage. In the first few months after I filed, she was manic, I guess, and tried her best to hurt me as much as possible. She made no attempt to salvage things for a good 3-4 months.
The bipolar disorder just swooped in so fast like a sudden earthquake that turned my life upside down. I filed and wondered if I was doing the right thing like most people, I suspect. A big part of me wondered why she never made an effort, but I figured that it was me who always seemed to be the one making the effort (for the most part) in the relationship- so this was no different. Maybe she didn't think I would follow through?
As much as I would love to have a happy marriage again and be a family with our kids, I have a big problem with the idea of paying her lifetime spousal support. We've been married just under 10 years. Should she have another bipolar episode (bipolar people can have multiple episodes in a lifetime), decide that she wants a divorce, I'd be a pretty bitter person. The kids certainly wouldn't benefit from her getting all that money necessarily either considering her fiscally irresponsible behavior.
So I'm considering telling her up front that I want to move forward with the divorce to protect me and the kid's financial welfare. She's pinned all of bad behaviors on the newly diagnosed bipolar disorder. I'm sorry, but there has to be some personal accountability in this too.
I also understand that her parents have apparently been the example for her. They've accumulated a ridiculous amount of debt over the past 5 years and now owe over 500,000 in debts. They're older and have shown no real ability to climb out of this hole they're in. It's almost as though they looked at their daughter and son-in-law as a cushion for them to fall on. I had no idea about her parent's situation until very recently.
Our relationship suffered on many fronts: Her mild/moderate depression, inability to communicate, a slowly, but continuously decreasing sexual relationship, and the finances of course. A big part of me wants to be able to work through all these things, but this 10 year threshold really does make me want to move slowly in order to stay financially healthy for myself and the kids.
Any thoughts are welcomed.
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allthumbs
Platinum
Reged: 07/12/07
Posts: 345
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In CA, at 10 years, the state considers this a marriage of long duration and routinely retains the authority to modify support and custody issues. However, none of this is hard and fast. The court has a lot of discretion in determining custody and support. Read CA. Family Code 4320-4325. This is what the court is to consider when setting long term spousal support. In your situation, different scenarios could play out, depending on you, your STBX and the judge. As you may know, bipolar can often be successfully treated. Have you looked into that yet? CA. does allow divorce for pretty much any reason; and "insanity" in one of the many. But you should know the court does not let ex-spouse's kick their crazy ex's to the curb. If your STBX gets a statement from a physician stating she is not well enough to work and support herself, they will look to you to support her, regardless of how long you were married. You can refute her expert's testimony with your own expert if you wish. That would be something for a hearing or the trial. If you can show she is a danger to the children, you could get either full custody (unlikely) or joint custody with you being the primary caregiver. These issues usually get worked out outside of court in a custody mediation. I would expect that she would get spousal support for a few years at least, and maybe much longer, depending on whether she gets the medical help and responds to it. In closing, that "ten year" issue doesn't mean much. The court can pretty much order anything they want to and what they think is fair.
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2165
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Get the hell out NOW! After seeing what my poor boyfriend (and others) have gone through, I wouldn't hesitate on urging you to move QUICKLY. This country has very lopsided justice for men.
NOTHING is going to change in your marriage. Leopards don't change their spots and neither do people.
Get out before you lose your a$$.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3070
Loc: Colorado
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Ditto what thumbs said about the 10-year mark. 10-years is guidance in some states but the judge has discretion to fudge it either way. With her having been diagnosed with a potentially permanently disabling illness, it is not going to be fudged your way.
As to whether to stay or go at this point, you need to make a decision you can live with.
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