a pro
New
Reged: 07/01/08
Posts: 4
Loc: illinois
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Well with 12 years of marriage and 17 years of dating, I have been called stupid, fat, ugly, I am a terrible parent, never good in bed, I beat him (plenty of pictures of my black eyes), I have done drugs, can't cook, I have nappy hair, too dark (he is dating a woman out of his race now)!!! Now this is all the things my husband told me over and over again and really told me when I found out he was cheating, He has told me how beautiful this woman is how good of a parent she is, she has such a beautiful home, her children are so well behave, how she takes care of him. I might add that every morning at 5 I made my husband breakfast, had his lunch packed and he came home each and every day to a hot dinner, and my children baseball, swimming, football, basketball, and dance, 4 days a week. I promise you he ate all of his food. Now this is him telling me the things that he is and he also told his new girlfriend about me and she actually believes him wow. Now if I am such a bad parent why do I also have my step children living with me and he has moved out, I have rehab paperwork on him (never did a drug in my life), I have police reports on him (never been to jail), Why did he stay with me for so long if I was bad in bed. I finally had to realize that everything he is saying is about himself, I have cried myself to sleep, loss weight, and barely go to work because I was letting all of this bother me. The bad thing about me is I would probably take him back. he still have keys and come on weekends for sex, and to see children due to he says he want to take my children over her house and no my children cannot go to this woman’s house, only been separated for 3 weeks but seeing this woman for 4 or 5 months, then Monday morning he say nasty things to me that way he does not have to call or come over during the week. When he does call he calls from a private number. Turned off his cell phone so we cannot get in touch with him. I know I should not be letting him come to my house for sex or anything, but if I don’t he will not help us with anything, I went to a lawyer but they want their money up front before they start with anything, so I am waiting this out until I come up with the $1500 for lawyer, and in Illinois we have property so I have to have a lawyer. Yes I work but the little money he does give me I do need we have over $4400 in bills a month and I cannot do this on my own, I want my house my children has been through too much already.
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jststartinova
Gold
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 102
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Our stories arent' the same but similar. I have been with my husband since I was 18 - had a baby at 22, moved in togehter at 24, started to gain weight. At the same time I also got ALL the responsibility - for him, our daughter and his son from a previous marriage. The household chores, the bills, & then looking for a better job. Then, I got a travelling salesperson job - made it even harder to get to the gym or worry about my food. I made 6 figures plus but I was fat. So....I continued to make good money and he had an affair with a 21 year old janitor. When I confronted him he OINKED at me in the kitchen and said you've gotten so fat OINK OINK.
You can only do so much - right now I am (was ) trying to save my marriage but he really messed up tonight - things had been tough but mouthing off can make them tougher.
I wish you luck and hope for happiness for you. Someday I will find it too
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kris_fla
Silver
Reged: 07/01/08
Posts: 70
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I think your hubby wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would read some self help books, join some support groups for women in abusive relationships, learn how to start loving yourself again. Look up a couple of legal aid atty.'s ( I took a small equity loan out to pay for mine), file, and just do it. He will tell you anything you want to hear, even that he wants to get back together to get you not to do this via the court system. But as soon as you believe his crap and accept him back, he knows he's got the edge and he will keep doing what he's doing. Be prepared for hard times. I ultimately filed bankruptcy, it was tough for a while, but I would rather live in a one bedroom apt. with 5 kids than continue to live w/someone who has no love or respect for me.
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Seize the day. Remember all of those women on the Titanic who waved off the desert cart. E. Bombeck
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missy8632
New
Reged: 07/27/08
Posts: 17
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Please call your local DV shelter. They can help. Some lawyers do not require a retainer up front in cases of DV. If you are seeking a divorce, make sure your lawyer has dealt with cases with DV, if not move on!
Hugs.
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HeartOn
Silver
Reged: 07/25/08
Posts: 72
Loc: North Carolina
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Your Husband sounds like a Narcissist.
http://www.narc-attack.blogspot.com/
And you sound as though you are betrayal bonded to him.
http://soundingcircle.com/newslog2.php/__show_article/_a000195-000673.htm
Love addiction is not healthy Love.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Peabody5.html
Cognitive Dissonance is our brains way of rationalizing and justifying staying with someone who betrays us or abuses us.
http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/cognitive_dissonance.htm
You sound as though you may have what is called a Narcissist Victims Syndrome and only YOU can break the cycle of abuse...but only IF you can stop calling it love.
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/10872.php
Some of us just don't know what a healthy relationship looks like or feels like after YEARS of being abused by our "loved ones".
Just a humble reminder to all...
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/counselingarchive_relationships_e-counseling.asp
Characteristics of Healthy Relationships:
by Jef Gazley, M.S. LMFT, DCC
1.Each person allows for the individuality of each partner within the relationship.
2.Experiencing both oneness with and separateness from their partner.
3.Other relationships are seen as no threat.
4.Bringing out the best qualities in their partner.
Each partner has the ability to accept endings, if necessary.
5.Experiencing openness to change and exploration both in the individual and in the relationship.
6.Inviting growth in their partner.
7.Experiencing true intimacy in the relationship physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.
8.Feeling the freedom to ask honestly for what they want.
9.Being able to experience giving and receiving in the same manner.
10.Not attempting to control or change the other person.
Encouraging self-sufficiency of others. Adults don't need each other in a dependent fashion. They simply want to be with each other.
11.Accepting limitations of self and partner.
12.Not attempting to seek unconditional love in relationships. This type of love is really parental love. Parents accept any behavior from a child and will still love and accept them. Adults demand to be treated with dignity in order to stay in a relationship.
13.Able to accept commitment.
14.Each person having a high self-esteem.
15.Trusting the memory of the beloved, enjoying solitude.
16.Expressing feelings spontaneously.
17.Welcoming closeness, risking vulnerability.
18.Able to care with detachment. They don't feel responsible for each other.
19.Affirming equality and personal power of self and their partner.
Does this sound like your marriage? It wasn't mine either...so don't think I am judging you...just trying to help based on what I see and what I have learned the HARD WAY!
Hope it helps someone in some way.
I only WISH I knew about half of this 20 years ago!
Better late than never~!
Heart On
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"Mistakes are the portals of discovery."
James Joyce
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a pro
New
Reged: 07/01/08
Posts: 4
Loc: illinois
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wow i love what you wrote, and i promise that i have taken all that in consideration. YOu know i have got a lot better in this time it seems that now we might speak maybe 1 or 2 times a week, and if he want kids he has to call the house phone. I did find a lawyer that I can make payment with, and they are really helping me. I really needed to here what you wrote. but I know i have to realize one thing that it is not love, but really it hurts and I have to understand he do not want me.
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HeartOn
Silver
Reged: 07/25/08
Posts: 72
Loc: North Carolina
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"I know i have to realize one thing that it is not love, but really it hurts and I have to understand he do not want me."
Of course it hurts to fall in love with ONE man...and lose him to his anger,abuses and betrayals!
This is NOT about your WORTH! It is about his insecurities and low self esteem...and instead of rescuing him...he took you down WITH HIM!
Now you are left to pick up the pieces alone.
Is that love? I don't think it is.
Please do not misunderstand me.It is not YOU he doesn't want...it is WOMEN he defies and feels contempt for his OWN reasons.This was not personal, this is just how he RELATES to ALL women in most likelihood!
Please do NOT blame yourself for HIS behaviors...only your reactions to them.
Sometimes we feel like we are 'in love'...unfortunately....when we are abused over long periods of time...we become lost in thier issues......our loyalties become confused...and our hearts and minds suffer at the hands of our abusers.
I always wished that my H would just STOP hurting me...and stop claiming to love me afterwards.
It didn't make any sense.
No man is worth crying over..and the ones who are..don't make us cry.
I am sorry for your pain.
Remember...never make anyone your priority..when they only make YOU an option!
Heart On
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"Mistakes are the portals of discovery."
James Joyce
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2125
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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i might be wrong,
but as time goes by im finding that it SEEMS that it is especially emotional and difficult to leave/be left by
an abusive spouse.
here's my reasoning....
the pattern of the marriage goes like this:
the abusive person is mean in increasing intervals until there is a blow up of some sort.
THEN
the person is super sorry,
they are nicer, things are wonderful,
then it repeats itself.
this goes on for years with the cycle being anywhere from
weeks, to months long.
so...you get used to the mean = nice
senario.
it becomes your existence.
when the "mean" hits the fan
and either the mean person leaves
or the person taking the meanness cant take anymore,
there is still hope that the
cycle will resurface and there will again
be a mess of niceness.
it's a rough circle to break free from.
oddly enough
i sometimes think it's addictive,
because you dont LIKE It...it hurts...but
the temporary fix makes you feel better.
sigh....
you might still love your husband,
or you mihgt love what you WANT him to be.
either way it's a rough spot.
see if you can get some counceling if you arent already.
AND the best thing you can do for you
is to stop seeing him.
saddly, IF he's done..he's done
and the abusive cycle will continue
until there is really nothing left of the
real "you".
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taryn.
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sickandtired0114
New
Reged: 08/20/08
Posts: 1
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I can so relate to your situation. I have been married 13 years and we have an 11 year old son. We split up the first time before my son turned 1. This was because he was screwing his daughter's mother. We moved away, and yet this woman still had control over him and our marriage. After 10 years of disrespect from him, I cheated on him while I was attending school. The affair was short, but very liberating in the sense that I knew that I was worth more than what I was getting from my husband. My husband would tell me things like I didn't rank on the top ten people he cared about and that a wife was nothing more than a cumbucket. It got so bad that one day I called the police and had him arrested. Even after that, he still didn't learn. We moved again (fresh start) and he continued with the physical and mental abuse. I went back to my former lover. Of course, the violence started again. One time, he hit me and I stabbed him. Then I called the cops. Most recently (June) we had another physical altercation. He has scars on his face. I have a copy of the police report from the previous city we lived in, and I am sure there is one here.
I have been threatened with death and yet I stayed. Although I have loved my husband for the majority of our marriage, it was not until recently, that I chose to love myself more than him. No matter what, he cannot take away what I have accomplished and I am a better person fo r it. It may have been wrong to cheat on my husband, but it helped me to realize that I am a woman to be desired and respected. I deserve more than what I am getting and that I am sick and tired of settling.
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